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Confused and content

Quacker_84
Community Member

Hi,

Lately I have felt very content with my own demise, I’m not sure why!

My Father died Queens birthday weekend last year after suffering with lung cancer for nearly 2yrs.

i am married with 2 kids, but since the passing of my dad I often think about suicide. I would never do it (I don’t think) but thought of the thought being there and the numb feeling I have towards dying feels unnatural.

i hope this is a phase of grieving but I think I have come to terms with dads death a while ago.  I’m really confused I don’t feel suicidal but don’t care if I die today. Strange!

2 Replies 2

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Quacker, and welcome.

Maybe what you have said in your last line 'I don’t feel suicidal but don’t care if I die today' could go through anybody's mind who is suffering from any mental illness and how they are thinking, but it's different for all concerned, except that we just want the pain and suffering to stop.

I am deeply sorry for the loss of your father, and please remember each one of us has our own timeframe on how we are able to cope with a lost one, there can't be rules and no one should be expected to follow them, it's up to that person.

If you have been content with yourself doesn't mean it will remain the same all the time, decisions and your situation changes over time, so how you are feeling now is not how you felt yesterday.

The loss of your father can extrapolate with other different feelings, although I'm not qualified to say, and that's why we can become confused to make decisions and achievements or to be able to think clearly.

In your own time, we'd love to hear back from you.

Geoff.

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Quacker 84

I really feel for you as you face the challenges that come with self understanding. Sometimes the challenges can be enormous. I also feel for you as you've made your way through the incredible challenge of your dad's illness and passing.

Not sure if you can relate or if this helps but I'll throw it out there anyway:

I find the brain can be pretty tricky to interpret at times, especially when things aren't entirely straight forward. For example, you can have a dream that has some significant meaning but unless you sort of approach it from a cryptic angle, it may be impossible to interpret. I recall someone I know having a dream where they were present at their own funeral. Of course, this really threw them and left them somewhat stressed with the belief that it may mean they'd be dying soon. I asked them whether they had reached a point in time where they felt like a significant part of them had 'died off' and life now invited a new beginning. The revelation made sense to them. They admitted they did feel like 'a new person' facing the challenge of now reforming their life.

We don't need to be asleep for our thoughts to be cryptic in nature. As I mention, not sure if this is relateable in any way but...do you feel comfortable with letting a part of you finally 'die off'? Do you feel like you're finally letting go of a part of your self, maybe that aspect of self that was holding onto your dad being here in your life? In other words are you in the acceptance stage of grieving, the final stage of grieving?

It is said that what we identify with becomes a part of our identity. If we are deeply attached to something we identify with and we lose that thing or that person in some way, we begin grieving for a lost sense of self. We grieve for our self. Do you think you're finally ready to let that lost sense of self go? Are you comfortable with letting it go and naturally moving on to find your sense of self in new ways? Maybe this new self can incorporate your dad into life in unique ways, such as with what some folk naturally do at times: You know when you're about to do something questionable and you suddenly hear your mum or dad's voice in your head, 'Do you think that's such a good idea?'. Whether they're alive or they've passed, you can still thank them for the question/prompt. They remain in your heart, your mind and your life.

I hope this has helped in some way.

Take care and all the best 🙂