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Husband addicted to Porn and finds older women attractive

KMWA
Community Member

Hi, so I've been with my husband for 8 years. During this time he has had an extreme addiction to pornography. When we first met it would often replace our sex life (I was always up for sex but he would make excuses like tiredness). Because it was such an issue in the beginning of our relationship I feel as though I get really triggered when I ask him about it. When we were first together I would actually walk into the bathroom when he was having a shower to watch what he was doing. It became really unhealthy for me and I realised I can't do that and I needed to trust him so I did.

He can barely keep up with me and my sex drive so I get really annoyed when he just pleases himself. He swears it's nothing to do with me and says that he loves our sex life but I just dont really know what to believe.

He said that he stopped watching porn at one stage during our relationship (not sure I believe him). He then told me that he apparently started again after I naturally gave birth to our baby - a year ago. I had stitches and was healing but I was so aware of his addiction that I did everyting to help him so he wouldn't go down the rabbit hole, back to porn. This made me really upset and hurt when I found out he did because I was in pain but I would get him off every single day (I would offer) but that still wasn't enough for him. I'm a big believer in trust and the value it has in relationships so when he promised again I trusted him.

I asked him yesterday and he said that he's been watching porn again. He told me contradicting stories and when I pointed it out he tried to turn it on me. I appreciate that he was honest in telling me he's been watchin porn but then he started lying about the facts.

The other difficult thing I struggle with is that  he has stated to me before that he particulary finds older women attractive. It makes me feel incredibly insecure because i'm not that and it makes me feel like there might be deeper rooted issues.

My husband has a very addictive nature. He has been sober for the past 5 years (I left the relationship and he realised that it was a real problem in his life) and gave up smoking 2.5 years ago. I am super proud of him in that aspect. He has had some traumatic things happen to him in his childhood which I think could be contributing to this addiction but I just dont know what to do anymore as it's taking away from our sex life again.

It just makes me fearful, i'm so scared of unhealthy relationships.

2 Replies 2

Quacker_84
Community Member
Hi, I’m new to this page, but, men usually want something they don’t have so an older women fantasy is probably just that, a fantasy! And also in my own experience if the sex is there offered everyday then where’s the excitement?? He might not act like he wants to work for it but every man wants a small chase at least, I don’t know your exact situation but if he thinks it’s there whenever he wants it then why rush to take it? Make him work for it a little bit. But not too much

BOC64
Community Member

Hi KMWA

I am going to speak from a male point of view. I am in my mid 50's and was severely physically and emotionally abused as a child and young adult. I was also exposed to sex and pornography at an early age and I would say that I have been addicted to porn since sixteen.

I have also dealt with other addictions of a sexual nature and substances. I am not saying that what your husband is doing is right but could it be soothing behavior?

JC