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Dealing with the anger

BunnyMuffin
Community Member

Hi There,
My partner & I were together for almost 10 years. Long story short, we met in London, he then moved to Australia to be with me and I (not we or even him...just me) spent the rest of relationship basically dealing with his immigration status. Working holiday visas, defacto visas and finally citizenship. Our physical relationship ended about 3 years ago due to his emotional issues surrounding his relationship with his mother and abuses he suffered as a child/teenager. I wanted to leave him but didn't feel I could due to the fact that he has no one is this country besides myself and my family. I encouraged him to seek help and he finally saw a counselor. After 3 sessions he came home and told me that his counselor thought he had abandonment issues. My reaction was to tell him that I would never leave him. Right after his very next counselling session a month later, he decided to end the relationship. He wanted to remain friends and he wants to remain a part of my family. He told me that he no longer looks at me "like that" and that he has been getting "urges" which I took to mean sexual urges. He also told me that he and his counselor had formed the conclusion that he may never be able to sustain another long term meaningful relationship due to the abuses he suffered. For the last 3 months I have been OK with that until I saw his profile on Tinder. He has also stopped seeing his counselor because they decided that he "no longer needs help and that he seems fine now he has ended the relationship with me". I feel so much anger towards him, my days are full of rage. I don't love him, I don't want to be in a relationship with him but he remains my best friend. I want him to still be my best friend but I can barely look at him let alone be around him. Yet, I miss him when he is gone. I am carrying around so much anger towards him. I feel like my whole life for the past 10 years has been completely consumed by him and his needs and now I have just been thrown away like I am nothing. I feel like everything he said to me during the breakdown of our relationship was a complete lie and I can longer trust him. When I try to tell him how I feel all he can do is focus on how my words hurt him and he can not see things from my point of view. I just want to feel normal again. I have lost so much weight that people comment on it every single day. I feel like I have no one to talk to and I am on the verge of angry tears all the time.

23 Replies 23

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi BM, welcome, I hope I can help.

I be four long term relationships of 7,11, 10 and 7 years duration. Each has ended (except that last my wonderful wife) with hurt and anger.

Your only way forward is to distance yourself. When you see him as a friend or when he visits your family make your communication kind, caring but brief.

Go on dates, plough yourself into hobbies, concerts, sport etc....get a life without him being your core of focus.don't let this beat you.

Google the following

Topic: when emotion overtakes logic-beyondblue

Topic: ending a relationship/marriage the best way-beyondblue

Topic: rejection, its hard to swallow-beyondblue

Tony WK

blondguy
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello BunnyMuffin

You have been through a great deal and I would probably be angry as well considering your circumstances.

Tony WK is right when he mentioned 'distancing yourself' Not easy to do but crucial where your quality of life is concerned.

The anger and the weight loss combined is dark place to be in Bunny. I was at a similar stage and saw a community mental health worker (psychiatric nurse) and cried my eyes out (venting the anger out) for a few visits

There are many kind people on the forums that have or have had similar inner turmoil. You are not on your own and it would be great if you could stick around........even if you just want a chat

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

BunnyMuffin
Community Member
Thank you. It is good to talk about it with people who don't know either myself or my partner. The other issue I have is that I have no one to talk to about it all. Almost all of our friends and family were shocked & devastated to hear we had split up. Both of my parents cried when we told them & I ended up comforting my mother. As angry as I feel towards him I don't want to destroy the relationship he has with my family by sharing my anger with them. I now live on my own for the first time ever. I live in a town where I know no one (having moved here for him when he was studying at university here). I find it difficult to make new friends in this town as I commute an hour & a half to work morning & night. He even has sole "custody" of our dog. I just feel so alone in this world now. I feel on the verge of tears all the time yet I struggle to reach out to people for help. I feel lost & broken but I also feel so relieved to be out of that relationship. I'm so confused...I spoke to my GP about it and she did suggest I see a counselor, which would be great though I can't really afford it.

Hi Bunny,

As Blondeguy said, we are here for you so feel free to open up.

Sometimes you have to take a step forward. EG. When I separated from my first wife I had to leave my dog with her as I was in a caravan park. Everytime I picked up or dropped of our children I'd give Spot a pat. One day about 12 months after separating she told me I was no longer allowed to pat him. He was housed about 4 metres from her front fence.

I was devastated. I promised myself I'd one day get another dog. Some 16 years later when I was settled and remarried in 2012 we got a beautiful mini foxy.

There are many things in life, especially issues to do with relationships that hurt and scar. We need to take hold of our lives and get through that hurt and move forward....leave the mess behind.

We are not qualified counsellors but we do have a perspective based on experience in many various fields so hoping you'll benefit from them.

Google these topics-

Topic: making sense of grief- beyondblue

Topic: the grief of separation- beyondblue

Topic: feeding your brain- beyondblue

Topic: the best praise you'll ever get- beyondblue

Tony WK

Hi Bunny

Depending on the council or shire, many offer a community mental health worker (like I saw)...they are free as there are many people who cant afford a therapist

I hope thats some help to you BunnyMuffin 🙂

My Best, Paul (cute profile pic by the way)

BunnyMuffin
Community Member

I will look into a mental health worker, thanks Paul. Haha yes I think the profile pic is pretty cute too! I have two pet bunnies, who I call my bunny muffins, hence the name 😄

I just want to understand why I feel so betrayed and so angry, yet so glad to be free. I am just a big ball of emotional turmoil.

My work is suffering, my study is suffering, I feel like I am just constantly failing. I can't even imagine having another relationship ever. I've tried some of the dating sites like Tinder and Plenty of Fish but just attract the worst kind of attention that a woman can attract online. The idea of meeting someone for a date just fills me with terror. I don't know how people meet and make friends. I'm dying to make some friends in my town but just don't know how to anymore.

There are times when I feel my confidence is sky high and there are times when I am just lower than I have ever been before. I wish when people asked me how I was doing that I had been honest and told the truth, that I am not coping and I am struggling. They've all stopped asking me now.

BunnyMuffin
Community Member

Thank you, yes I will look into that again. I have reached out to Beyond Blue online chat which was somewhat helpful. They also suggested I speak to Griefline.

Haha thank you, Paul. Yes I think the pic is cute too. I have two pet rabbits who I call my bunny muffins, hence the name 🙂

I just feel so broke and used, yet relieved. I just don't understand my feelings at all. I am all over the place and everything is suffering. I'm failing at work, I'm failing at study. I just feel like I am failing at life. I feel like I will never have another relationship ever again.

I've tried the dating apps like Tinder & Plenty of Fish but just seem to attract the wrong kind of attention from men. I just cannot imagine going on a date. The idea of it feels me with dread. I feel like I will never be normal again.

I'd really just like to make some friends in this town but I don't even know where to start or how to go about it. I have a couple of good groups of friends but they're all at least an hour away.

The only people I have in this town in my ex partner and one mutual friend who lives with him.

People/Friends/Family don't even bother checking on me anymore because I am so good at hiding my feelings. They all think I am fine and I'm not. I just don't know how to reach out. I hate feeling like this.

Hey BunnyMuffin (BM)

If I was in your family (especially your parents) and didnt know that you were in pain, I would feel guilty that I couldn't have helped you.

Its okay, I used to hide my feelings just like you. That is your call. When you really think about it, you have everything to gain and nothing to lose by saying 'you are really stuck'...

Just to let you know BM, my postie asked me the other day..."why are you at home so much nowadays?"

I replied "I have depression and have been made redundant" I amazed myself that I actually said it. My postie replied with "I hope you get better...really"

I never thought I'd vent to my postie BM...

The dating sites generally are good value as I know people that have had success on them...and good on you for reaching out to them and us.

I really hope you can keep posting as there are many members on here going through similar pain as you are BunnyMuffin. We dont have the direct contact that other sites offer but I know we can be here for you 🙂

I am sorry for the pain you are going through BM

Paulx

BunnyMuffin
Community Member

Thanks, Paul.

You're right I need to reach out and let people know. Reaching out and chatting with you and WK has been really helpful. I can feel my rage dulling somewhat. I have also deleted the dating apps from my phone. I'm just not ready for any of that. I think I will just try to keep busy, surround myself with good people, and try to make some friends in my town. I actually signed up for a dance class starting this Thursday so that will be good 🙂

My ex is pushing for us to be friends but I don't know if I can at this stage. I miss him as a friend but there is some pain there too. I think I need some space from him and then maybe we can try the friendship thing at a later stage. We are very close even now. I think that is the problem.