Dealing with the aftermath of husbands cheating

[Defencewife]

Hi everyone,

Feeling like I have been on a rollercoaster for the last 10 days and trying to make sense of everything, including my emotions.

Started Monday a week ago when, remembering hubby had told me the day before he had a Christmas email from friends of ours, I picked up his iPad to see what they had to say. All the usual Christmas catchup, what children were doing etc. then I saw the email next to it. With the first line of conversation showing. “I love you”. I asked for an explanation obviously and all that happened was he grabbed the iPad off me and muttered it was nothing, just someone he was talking to online that he had met on Instagram. I looked her up - she is a 29 year old blonde who is everything I’m not. And he is more than twice that age and I am 50...was 50...51 today! He refused to tell me anymore so I packed a bag and went to Mum’s. The following day I came home, he still wouldn’t talk, so I threw him out instead. Each subsequent day we tried to talk and the story expanded from ‘absolutely nothing that wasn’t general chit chat’, to ‘have developed feelings for her’. I logged into his account and started trawling (he uses one of two passwords for everything which isn’t bright if you are cheating). By the end of the week I had found 7 girls, and he admitted to online sex chats, exchange of naked photos etc. but what really hurt was that every time he told me something, he swore I now knew everything (I kept insisting I needed honest disclosure). So, bottom line from him is that because they never touched in person it wasn’t so bad and that he has been honest because he didn’t lie in his responses, just didn’t tell me anything I didn’t directly ask - that withholding information is not lying.

I didn’t eat for 5 days and vomited even water back up. Now I just feel numb with intermittent bouts of extreme emotion where all I can do is sit and let the pain wash over me. The timing wasn’t great. In those 10 days have been an anniversary (26 years), New Years, and my birthday. Which isn’t helping at all.

I had no idea this was happening, I have never even checked his Facebook posts before, never bothered to see who he followed on Instagram, never looked at his email (prob why he wasn’t worried about the password thing). I went crazy after this, logging into everything, trying to find out what I could. Eventually I realised that this was both unhealthy and that he had started to cover his trail by deleting everything...

Sorry, for dumping!

[Defencewife]

Thank you black_rose. I have organised counselling for myself and I have suggested to him that he do the same. I can’t seem to get across the damage that was done, not only by the cheating, but worse, by the refusal to talk about what had happened and insisting it was all minor and just comments about the weather etc (I dug and dug until an online sexual relationship with exchange of images etc was uncovered). He says he was embarrassed and that he thought disclosing more would just hurt me. I need him to understand how this breach of trust, by lying, has actually hurt me more than the relationship itself. Now I find myself wondering what has happened before. Especially during deployments etc where he has been away for months at a time. I never even thought about that before.

anyway, I give up, I am too close and emotional. If he goes into counselling then maybe the counselor can get this across. Then we might be able to work through it. But I am trying to work out my motives for that and I think the only reason I am considering moving forward is for the financial security and not having to sell our home etc etc. which are not good reasons.

thanks for your post. Every bit helps!

DW

[Defencewife]

Thanks Tony, I have organised counselling and actually suggested to him that he do the same. I really don’t think I want move forward in the marriage but I am trying to delay making irreversible decisions until he has gone through some counselling and maybe come to terms with what the betrayal has done (which may not happen of course) and until I have had some counselling and started to think about what I need and want beyond being someone’s wife (I do have a profession of my own - I mean in terms of my personal identity).

thanks for the messages.

DW

[Defencewife]

I am not sure how the drums are supposed to be helpful. I have just gone to another thread where someone is lamenting the difficulties of falling into an affair. falling?

I’m out of here. This was supposed to help me. Not help someone else justify doing this.

[white knight]

Hi again

You are being wise with you weighing up everything and taking some time.

As for other posts here that I am well aware of we are primarily dedicated to members mental health as a priority. We try not to judge members in the situation, self imposed or not. We do often express what behaviour we find unacceptable however, but have to consider we don’t know all the facts.

The main reason for this is we don’t know all the circumstances of a situation explained to us in under 2500 characters and often other mental health issues emerge in later posts.

We community champions are not professionally trained medical people, we are members with mental health issues that have lots of life and mental health experiences we can pass on.

I hope you stay around throughout your ordeal.

TonyWK

[Shockedwife]

hi defencewife. Your story is so similar to mine. Married 25 years. I’m 51. discovered my husband using sex chat lines 8 months ago and just wanted the truth. Was told it was just chatting. But a few weeks ago i  found out  he did have sex with a few of them (also only a few years older than our daughter).  I also kept demanding the whole truth but more info only came out as more evidence was found.

i realise you posted this 2 years ago so would love to know where you are at now?

I love my husband and hate the thought of a life without him but also dont Think I will ever get over what he has done.
I am devastated that after 25 years it could be all over. He says it meant nothing. 
what’s worse is that after the initial confrontation 8 months ago  we talked it out, he felt super guilty etc.  So I figured that was a blip in his normal character and was a mistake he deeply regretted.
However   I just discovered that he had got back onto the site again just a few weeks ago. Already paid more money for photos etc and I found evidence of searching for bars to meet up so he was clearly going back for more. 
Just writing this it’s obvious I need to let him go, but it’s hard to do when you don’t want really want to lose them.