Feeling down and dwelling on the past

[Amelin_21]

Hi everyone,

Last year I made a new friend / work colleague and we hit if off instantly. It felt like we knew each other for years and just seemed to understand each other. We became close, spending alot of time together at work but also talking after work, as well as texting all night and going out together before and after work. I'm in a long term relationship and knew he was off limits in that sense but I always saw him as a close bff and actually liked the idea of having such a close guy friend I could talk to. But, as the year progressed and I learnt more about him and his personal life. I realised whenever I got too close he would shut me out and tried to turn the situation into me being manipulative and would tell me I was always so negative, even when I was being supportive or thought I was joking with a friend who knew I was there for them. In the end this turned into a whorl wind of emotions for both of us. I was seeing my psych and learning how to support our personalities, by either being friends or colleagues but not both because it became too tricky as he thought talking to me reminded him of work. At the same time, he was doing similar but decided to avoid working together to support both of us in understanding each other and he cut me off one day through text after work. Safe to say I was a wreck and never received an explanation from him. After that, he would continue to avoid it and would only talk to me in a work capacity until he left abruptly and got a new job. I have anxiety and am new to understanding how to handle it. But this situation has never happened to me before and my anxiety makes me feel lonely sometimes when I think about what we used to have but also makes me feel like I did something wrong. I can't help but feel like it all fell apart because of me. It's been 6 months now since we 'split' and he is still on my mind, making me think I could have done something earlier to save the situation. I have accepted his decision and that was fine but it's the feeling of not being able to talk about it that keeps me dwelling on this. Can anyone give me ideas of how to move on from dwelling on 'if it was me' feeling? I'm 35 and I've never experienced anyone like this before and find myself completely confused. I feel like such a bad person sometimes because I never got an answer. 😞

[randomxx]

Hi , the fact your in a long term relationship which then must be serious , might not have been what it was all about but l'd bet it was part of it. He wouldn't want you too close bc of that alone but it would probably also make him wonder about the person you are . He might have also worried about it causing trouble down the road l know l wouldn't be too close to an involved or married woman, he might've also felt guilt about it. What has your bf thought about you texting away with another man all night and so much all this time ?

Aside form whatever else is also going on within his own life and mh probably also contributing he's for he's own reasons not comfortable being any closer than what he has, even less so now by the sounds of it. 

At the end of the day though this is what he's chosen and feels he needs now so in all honesty, it's only fair that be respected.

[Amelin_21]

When we first got close he did bring up that he thought people would think we were in a relationship but I said who cares because we know we're not. I was always very open about this friendship with my husband because I didn't want him to think it was anything else. I did ask my hubby at one point why we knows it's only a platonic relationship and he said 'because I know you and trust you and you're not that kind of person'. He also met my husband so hubby probably didn't think him as a 'threat'. 

He seemed to pull away after we were talking and I realised he was still in love with his ex. I feel that me knowing that must have made him feel too vulnerable. 

You make good points about him maybe feeling some guilt in the friendship and I do respect his decision at the end of the day. He did do quite a bit of the 'leading on' to start some of these thoughts though too. but it's just hard some nights when I'm alone. I think about how I used to have a close friend who would always text back. I guess that's the part I miss, feeling wanted by friends as I don't have any that treat me that same way or on 'speed dial'. 

[therising]

Hi Amelin_21

I think some of the challenges with certain friendships can come down to how they're developed, put on pause (for one reason or another) or even ended. Perhaps your friend didn't know how to manage ending the friendship or perhaps he felt it was just too hard to officially end it. Either way, maybe it's a matter of being a challenge he never met, one that you are left feeling the effects of. Finding ways to officially dis-appoint him from the appointment of 'best friend' may help put an end to the sense of disappointment and grief you're feeling. Perhaps some mantra like 'I let you go' or 'I let you go from the relationship. I let myself go from the relationship' will help dissolve the channel or connection through which you felt and experienced the relationship. Perhaps it's time for a new channel with which to develop through.❤️

[Amelin_21]

That's what I have been working on and it has been helping. I feel like he didn't know how so he communicated it the only way he knew he could. 

I'm feeling better after a few weeks of positive affirmations around it all. I think I'm finally realising how toxic we were to each other and how much healthier I am now. I'm still no means 100% there but I feel like I have finally gotten to an acceptance stage.

It's interesting to me being in this situation later in life. I feel like people just assume that everyone has experienced this level of friendship loss at some point previously.and tell you to just 'get over it' but without that experience it's hard to manage the how aspect and get to acceptance, let alone considering how anxiety is impacted by it all. 

I appreciate everyone's input, I feel like I have been very fortunate to not have been in this position before. 

[therising]

Hi Amelin_21

I'm glad you're feeling some sense of progress. Such an incredibly painful challenge to manage, especially for the first time. The progress is definitely something to be proud of. Opening your mind, to allow certain revelations to come in, is something else to be proud of. It can be far from easy to open the mind while being in a state of pain.

I think when people say 'You just need to get over it', my response to that is typically 'And what's the plan for that, me getting over it?'. If that's met with the response of 'You just have to get on with life', again 'So, what's the plan?'. While it may be fairly straight forward to get over certain challenges in life, some challenges definitely feel like an Olympic level high jump, as opposed to a simple hurdle.