Dealing with being cheated on

[wolfy_4812]

Hi, 

Since my recent partner had just passed away I have come to realize he has most likely been cheating on me for the 4 years that we were together and it has destroyed me thinking about it. 

I had come to this conclusion when a few of his side chicks had messaged me and just thinking about some of the times where he was funny about things. I could never believe that someone could lie straight to my face like that and I'm struggling to trust the next person that is coming into my life, he understands the situation but I'm worried that it's just gonna kill the relationship.

It is also making it hard to go see his mum as since his passing she has still been wanting to keep in touch with me and knows nothing about the situation I'm going though and don't think she needs to know about it.

Just don't understand how someone could say that they love you and that they would never lie to you when they have done the complete opposite.

[Croix]

Dear Wolfy_4812~

I'd like to welcome you back to the Forum, it's been a while and apart from this latest problem I hope things have been OK for you and you managed to reconcile your mum to your moving out.

I guess the first and most obvious thing to say is that as your partner has passed away then there is nothing you can do to see how he was feeling - even if you can get some of the facts from others.

This can of course mean you can be stuck, with all the emotions of betrayal, anger and maybe even some loss of feeling good about yourself.

Can I ask you while you were together was it a happy time? Rightly or wrongly did you get the feeling you were loved?

I'm not gong to excuse your partner if he was unfaithful, playing around leads to lies and is not looking after you which shuld be any partner's first thought. Plus really can be unfair on anyone else that forms an attachment under false promises.

However your life is going ot continue and by the sound of it you have found someone else. It would be natural and very easy to spend all one's time and thoughts on the negative in first relationship and that, as you are pointing, out can ruin your new one.

May I suggest two things? The first is to try to concentrate on any good in that first relationship even though you recognize he may have strayed.

The second is to talk it over with your new friend and see if there is any way the two of you together can rebuild trust. It is after all a two person job. If he is as open as possible - more than one might normally be - and you always try (yes I know, hard to do) to give the benefit of the doubt then between you things may leave you comfortable with each other

There is no doubt it has been a heavy injury to you, but firstly you do not know all the  facts but perhaps more importantly you are now dealing wiht a different person.

Genuine love can help heal

Croix

[wolfy_4812]

The relationship wasn't bad other than the fact I was loosing his trust when we were together and we did have a lot of good memories. Towards the end of the relationship wasn't the greatest cause it was really starting to feel like he didn't love or care about me even though I still cared about him at the time.

The new person that I am talking to understands the situation and says that he will reassure me about anything that I need and I'm trying really hard to give him trust and give it another go. Some days it is hard cause I do overthink a lot of things too 

[Croix]

Dear Wolfy_4812~

I've been away and only just seen your reply.

One of the tings I've found helpful in explaining to a partner why I seem to take minor things to hear and to have difficulty in trusting is to say that trust comes on top of the  primitive emotions.

I'd liken it to a bucket. In someone who has has a reasonable  life then all the primitive reactions (flight or fight for example) take up hte bottom half of the bucket, leaving plenty of room for positive emotions and trust - balanced.

With someone who has been badly treated or feels betrayed they have all those primitive emotions filling the bucket - basically because they have felt some form of threat for a long time.

With the bucket already full there is not much room for trust and its going to take two people to calm those primitive instincts and a more trusting and secure relationship to develop. Sometimes it is hard for the new person not to take things personally.

Love and patience worked for me with my partner, then it started to spill over into others in my life.

Does this seem reasonable to you?

Croix