Dealing with a selfish ex of partner, is it worth the stress?

[gympiegirlq]

My partners ex had several affairs before they split in 2006. She told him after they had children she didnt feel attractive and if she was able to get attention from other men it would enhance their relationship as her confidence would be restored. Of course it wasnt. She fell for one guy and thought theyd both leave their spouses for each other and it didnt pan out. She then booted my partner out with the excuse of it was just for a few months and he could move back. Of course it wasnt. She received 85% of their assets house car etc. We eventually got together and had the kids 5 nights a fortnight. Good routine, all settled. Then we wouldnt have the kids at a moments notice so she could go out as we had other commitments that night so she got the kids to help drag out the remaining items of furniture that belonged to my partner and set fire to them on the front lawn and posted video on facebook. Then she got a new bf and moved towns without any consultation. He now sees his kids 2 nights a fortnight if she doesnt change it to 1 randomly. She has told the kids she never loved their Dad only used him to have kids which upset my partner as she had once said the same to his face in anger. He never wanted kids or marriage but yet he loved her so much he gave her both but it wasnt enough. She drops the kids off when we arent here even when we've arranged work hours around her times. She has now said she wants her life back and will be dropping the kids off for half school holidays each year amd wont be home if we try to take them back. She gets child support, family benefit and her wages. My partner only has his wages to live on and pay bills etc. We cant afford vacation care and cant take 6 weeks holidays. She thrives on knifing him constantly yet the divorce etc was her idea. He takes everything bitter twisted thing she does and does nothing. He cant afford to go to family court. Im now unsure if I can mentally handle another 10 years of this (their youngest is 8). My kids have grown.

[Croix]

Dear Gympiegirlq~

Welcome here to the forum. It's a good idea to come as you can get to see if you search the threads how others have managed (or not) similar situations.

Unfortunately the divorce is never the end of the relationship if there are kids, and if she is greedy, irrational and dishonest then trying to deal with her is, as you have found, a nightmare. In fact impossible. It is also quite common.

You realy do need outside advice on your options, and I would suggest you go to a post separation counseling service such as is done by Relationships Australia - 1300 364 277 - who do charge.

I'm sure there are many others, perhaps if you rang our 24/7 Help line - 1300 22 4636 - they may have some ideas about help in your area.

There would appear to be a fair number of things she does that might constitute lack of child care if she abandons an eight year old. This is one of the things the counseling service may be able to clarify.

Similarly her Centrelink payments may be inappropriate.

I get the feeling -my apologies if I'm wrong - that you are the strong one in the relationship and your partner is not one to fight. This is unfair, it puts the weight on your shoulders. Do you think if there was some way to get the ex dealt with then you would wish to remain together?

Croix

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

You be had good advice from Croix.

The future might surprise you as it did me. At 12yo my eldest came to live with me. That cancelled out the child support. She left her mother's care simply because her mother treated her the same as she treated me- with narcissism. Let's call it karma.

Start making a log of all times and dates she untimely drips the kids off. If you both have the children beyond a certain amount you can have child support reduced. Check the CSA website.

10 years will go quickly. When my youngest reached 18yo I informed their mother never to contact me- ever!. I had been treated appallingly over many years.

So, I'm glad you vented and hope you feel better. As a team I would solidify your relationship with your partner because as a team you are stronger.

Finally, dedicate yourselves to the welfare of the children . You won't change her mentality so any thoughts about her is wasted time. Remove her from messing with your life mentally as best you can.

TonyWK