Dad

[Jackson1994]

Anyone who knows a bit about me on here may know that my dad isn't the nicest guy in the world and we have minimal contact after he left when I was pretty young

Im making this post because he has been contacting me, he sent me a message not long after midnight saying happy new year, although I appreciated them I got a few so just ignored them all, generally people just send them to their whole contact list

He messaged me again 1:05am, have a good year maybe this year things will work out for you

I replied, they did this year but thanks dad

By 2am I'd gotten a page long I'm sorry for not being there message let's go for a drink tomorrow night we can make things good

I didn't reply I was with my partner and I wasn't ruining both our Nye getting worked up over it

Now I'm upset, I see him I risk him upsetting me, I don't see him I risk him hating me and mum even more

[tim55]

Hi Jackson,

Thanks for the bit of background. I believe I understand the bit that says he is your father and there is some type of bond their. That is the bit I am struggling with concerning my father. I don't like him much at all. I have a brother and a sister who both live overseas. I live 1000km away from dad. I've just told his nursing home I am no longer his emergency contact. This is tough, there is part of me that questions what I have done.

If he has made no change, keep him from hurting you again. I control the contact I have with my father. He can only ring me, he has not tried, but I will not be answering his calls. I have told him I will read any letter he might send, phone calls will just turn ugly. So I don't expect to hear from him again. But there is peace in that type of decision, there is peace in the right decision.

There is no excuse for physical violence, I'm with others, keep him at a good arms length at the most, control the contact.

[CMF]

I feel harsh saying this but that's what he wanted last year. I gave someone many chances over and over and was let down everytime. He's bribed you and hit you. Do you think he's changed in these last few months? The bribe and the punch were a big red flag.

[Bethie]

Hi Jackson

Have you ever heard anyone say you can love someone from a distance?

I have/had major issues with my mum but was taught by a councillor I saw when I was pregnant that it ok to say I love you but my me to be me right now I can only love you from a distance.

Now my son is 14 and he has contact with my mum via message but when she starts trying to manipulate him he tells her he loves her but needs to be himself.

Even as a parent myself it's hard to not be in control of your child but seeing growth matters more than being in control.

I really hope your Dad can accept that you do love him but need to do it from a distance to grow into the person you want to be in life

[Jackson1994]

So maybe it's time to stop wanting something that probably won't ever happen

It sucks

[CMF]

Your Mum know him best. What would her advice be?

Sometimes what we want isn't always what is best for us. It was a long time ago that he left your family, and yes people can realise their mistakes and regret them, hoping for a reconciliation but I don't think he has proven to you that he can be trusted.

[Jackson1994]

I don't want to speak to Mum about this, I really don't.

[Bethie]

Yep it does suck

I've read and re read everything and well it honestly sounds like he kinda messes with your head and feelings way to much to be honest. If you think you can accept that just maybe in his own way he is a bit sick and keep him at arms distance might be the best thing.

I know in my mums case she was brought up by a very scared mother herself and never truly learnt to be a mother emotionally.

I broke that cycle by getting help. It's not easy but I'm glad I did. It took away so much depression I had come to accept as part of a normal childhood.

One day you'll be a parent and face the choice of breaking the old ways for healthy bonds. It is in your power alone to do that now if it's what feels right in your gut

[topsy_]

Hi Jackson,

I too faced the same kind of thing with both my parents. After having lived a tortured & abused life due to my parents, I cut them from my life. I had to grieve for the parents I wished I’d had & eventually forgive them. But I only forgave them so that I would have peace within myself.

After about 15 years I was suddenly invited to my mothers 80th birthday celebration, then a bit over 2 years later to my fathers. I don’t know if I had any real expectations of being able to play happy families but I soon discovered that I had been invited to be put in my place again & for it to be emphasised to me my lowly rank in the family (by way of yelling & insult).

So, it’s back now to no contact again now. My dad died this year. He had been sick with leukaemia for months, my brother was with my mother when he died, funeral arrangements were made & family informed & then I was told. I didn’t go to his funeral & I have no regrets. I will not be going to mums either when the time comes.

My parents are/weren’t ever going to change. I have accepted it. My brother, who is a stranger to me, is extremely angry with me but the only person that that upsets is him. I’m clear in my own mind about my thinking & feelings.

It was really tough in the early years but things for me are good now. I don’t know if this has helped any. I hope so. But you might need to see your dad a few more times to really decide what is right for you.

Wishing you well, Lyn.

[Jackson1994]

dad and i, done. thats it, no more.

[CMF]

Hey, What happened? Sounds like you gave him another chance.

Are you ok?