Crush on good friends husband

Sandy centre · ‎26-09-2016

Hi all

I have been married 9 years however have had a huge crush on a married person for 7 years. I still love my husband and have not cheated on him.

I don't if I developed this crush because I can't have children naturally and we have finished the ivf path. I feel gu

I am good friends with my crush 's wife however yesterday she told me that my crush is interested in someone else and it is not me.

Apollo_Black · ‎02-10-2016

Hi Sylvia

My suggestion, again, would be that you get counseling regarding your fertility issues, your disconnection with your husband and your feelings for another man. I'm going out on a limb here but if you continue in this direction things will not end well for anyone around you, including yourself. I think you know this. You are not being a friend to your female friend whilst having feelings for her husband.

Your friend and her husband have issues of their own and so do you. Don't get caught up in trying to fix something when you should be focusing on your own issues. He's obviously in turmoil and it's spilling over to you, who is also fragile and connected to him on a physical attraction level as well. It spells danger. You husband also seems to be on alert - he probably can't put his finger on it but he's not stupid and he'll begin asking questions.

It's up to you. Invest in your marriage and try and turn it around - or bail out and start again. But bailing out with this "crush" is a pipe dream. These types of situations rarely end well (trust me). As hard as it sounds you need to work on fixing you before you can truly start the road to happiness.

With your "crush" (and I hate that word not sure why) it's like an unfolding soap opera. Don't get sucked in, stop the addiction....do what you can to break it. Turn it off and talk to your husband, and get professional counsel - it might help get things into perspective. You haven't mentioned you are doing this so I therefore highly recommend it. Also delete his number from your phone.

Sandy centre · ‎02-10-2016

Hi Apollo Black

Thank you for your advice I appreciate your help. There are obviously areas in my life that clearly need addressing and your suggestions are useful

Regards

Sylvia

Apollo_Black · ‎02-10-2016

Be kind to yourself most of all 🙂

white knight · ‎02-10-2016

Hi Sandy,

I feel uncomfortable with this thread

You've offered both your crush and best friend your support during this time of tragedy they are experiencing . So what would happen if your crush came to visit alone and you were alone and he literally cried on your shoulder? One thing would lead to....?

Remembering that this situation has been described as "crush" a word describing a teenage desire. Addiction ..more likely unhealthy obsession. Whatever words describe this seemingly wrong out of control thoughts, you seem eager to keep regular contact.

Listening to your best friend reveal her inner most secrets about her husbands own indiscretions with you withholding feelings I find an uneasy feeling. Not to mention your husbands future suffering that Geoff wisely forecasts.

I think counselling is not only in order very quickly but distancing yourself from that couple subtely is the right thing to do.

If you cannot control this then you need help to enable you to do so.

Tony WK

Doolhof · ‎05-10-2016

Hi Sylvia,

You mentioned you have been trying to use IVF to become pregnant for 7 years. I have never used IVF. I was able to become pregnant 5 times, but was unable to carry a baby past 21 weeks.

To me, it would be understandable if you were suffering from a sense of deep grief and loss over not being able to have a baby of your own. I'm wondering if this is the root to a lot of your problems right now.

My husband was never interested in the thought of adoption or even fostering. Over the years I have had to learn to live with and deal with my immense sense of loss that I feel.

There have been times when I have looked at other people's families and have so desired what they have. For some reason that has not been my journey in life. I have had to travel a road different to the one I originally desired.

Counselling would be very beneficial. Consider asking for grief counselling.

I'd also like you to consider the ramifications of your actions if you were to have a child with this guy. Do you think he would be faithful to you if he already has other ladies on the side and is not at all faithful to his wife!

How would your friend feel? Devastated I would say! And your husband?

I do understanding your longing and desire to be a Mum, but at what cost? My mind came up with all kinds of bizarre ideas regarding having a baby. Even to the point of thinking about stealing one from a pram one day when I was deeply depressed.

That was not the answer. Talk to your husband and to your Dr and find a counsellor to talk to. Before you do something you may well regret.

From Mrs. Dools

Sandy centre · ‎17-10-2016

Dear Mrs Dools

I really appreciate all your recent advice. I saw my crush today we were both at a work function however it was great because we didn't have to talk. In fact I feel glad that we didn't and I avoided having to speak to him. It hasnt been easy to deal with but my reality check is making me realise that i don't think i could trust him.

i have also been dieting and I think this has helped me with some self esteem issues.

Another positive thing that has happened too that my husband and I are having more ivf tests soon as some dear friends of ours have offered their embryos to us. Fingers crossed my doctor will be confident that more ivf will be viable and the embryos may give us a baby. I totally understand how you have felt over so many years - you are amazing how you have dealt with this.

I am still looking into counselling. Thank you again for your help and support!!!

Sylvia 😀

Doolhof · ‎17-10-2016

Hi Sylvia,

I so hope the IVF works for you this time! A friend asked me many years ago if I would consider donating my eggs to strangers and I said no. There seems to be a family trait of loosing prem babies. I don't know a lot about IVF but I would hate to pass that gene or trait on to any one else.

Congratulations to you for being able to loose some weight and also for being able to be in the same space as your crush in a healthy way.

You may still have feelings for this guy, and maybe the feelings are not just about him, but in how you may like a relationship to be. A bit like a day dream or a fantasy.

Hopefully you will be able to connect with a counsellor soon.

I'm wishing you well with the IVF, I have everything crossed for you!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

white knight · ‎17-10-2016

Well done Sylvia. You are pointing in the right direction.

Tony WK

Sandy centre · ‎29-10-2016

Hello White Knight

I am still very confused, angry and stressed about this situation. Things have started to pan out and sadly my friendsrelationship is not going very well at least they are going to have some therapy. I don't want to take sides.

Does your organisation have any names of psychologists who deal specifically with these situations in Brisbane?

Any help would be appreciated.

thanks Sylvia

Doolhof · ‎30-10-2016

Hi Sylvia,

Are you saying that the girlfriend and the husband who you had a crush on are having troubles?

Relationships Australia may be able to help. Your friend could phone them and ask for advice.

The internet may have couple counsellors listed for your area.

Drs. can also recommend people or the medical centre receptionists might have details as well.

Beyondblue have information in their resource and Get Support section.

Hope something can be arranged for your friends. Just be careful if you do decide to help this guy. Staying neutral is not always easy!

Cheers from Mrs. Dools