Cheating husband

[A147]

Hi,

I need to write this somewhere as I am to ashamed of talking to my friends and family. I have become depressed and feel like I may be close to shutdown. it is affecting my work and my ability to do day to day things and I cannot afford to slide. Im after clarity. ill try and be brief. I have a 5 year old daughter.

In 2014 while living overseas I found out that my husband had an affair. He had told me it was a one night stand but I found out after reaching out to the other women that it had been going on (on and off) for 3 years. I left him and returned to Melbourne, Australia with my then 2 year old to my family. we separated for 6 months. mid 2015 we decided to try and make a go of it. I said he must cut contact with the women and go to counselling. He agreed. He mad a half hearted attempt at couselling.

In early 2016 i discovered text messages from her, they had been corresponding.

Fast forward to 2018. We have bought a property (88acre farm) together and sending my daughter to school. I noticed his phone ring with an over seas number which he was quick to decline. it was from the UK it got me thinking so I got onto her blog (she an athlete with sponsors so she blogs on internet) and discovered that she had been in Adelaide around the time my husband had been down there for work.

He denied going near her and that she had tried asking him out for drinks. I have been burying my head in the sand due to the rather large financial and emotional sacrifice I have made for this man and the crap I have to put up from him on a daily basis and now I feel like I have to write yet another email to her to find out whether he is telling the truth. I am so ashamed that I had gone against family and friends advice and gone back to him thinking that keeping the family together was the right thing for us and our daughter. My dream was to raise our daughter on a farm and now I feel like I may lose that (his parents have funded half this property) I am so worried about my daughter and her happiness.

My question is do I take his word for it given his track record? or do I contact this women given that I know she will tell me the truth?

My husband was brought up to believe that he can do no wrong. I feel numb. I find it difficult to perform at work (I am a veterinarian) and I cannot afford to not perform at work.

Thanks for listening and I look forward to hearing from someone even if it just to commiserate!

[white knight]

Hi A147, welcome

I'm a 62yo man and have worked closely in security and defence all my life with mainly men. Long hours and got to know many of them. I'm sorry to say but I'm glad I'm not a woman that would need to some how sort out the roaming men to the fully devoted.

I'm not putting myself on a platform but I've never strayed in my 4 long relationships, all over 7 years long. I cant tell you what to do, its a personal choice but I couldn't live with any of that and he is lucky he had a second chance with you.

Guilt is a terrible thing but I would suggest that to give him a second chance a few years ago is a good thing as everyone can make a mistake and you had your daughter to think of. It was your decision not other peoples and its sad they didn't understand, its the least they could have done. In fact if they say "I told you so" tell them directly it isn't helpful and you were appreciative of their opinion at the time but not now.

At the moment and until you make a decision, you will be distraught. Visit your GP to keep ahead of your mental bell being, look after yourself. Accept that this period will drift away and a new life will begin that has some negative but can involve many new adventures including happiness. so pull yourself together (bossy Tony here) and accept that if you decide to end this relationship there are men out there that you WILL fall in love with and make a new life, that your husband has erred not you and one second chance is more than enough.

We are here to help.

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topic: the best praise you'll ever get- beyondblue

topic: control your life- beyondblue

Tony WK

[geoff]

Hello A147, can I welcome you to the forum and for posting a rather disappointing comment.

I am truly sorry for you having to go through with all of his fibs because he hasn't been honest for a long time and unfortunately has decided that he comes first, rather than doing everything right to keep the family together.

It's sad to think that you and your daughter cannot trust what he says because he has been disloyal to the two of you.

You can't keep emailing the lady who is involved, that would be too disconcerting for you and I'm sure she would feel uncomfortable because it's your husband that has to decide to end it!

If it's not her then it maybe someone else, I'm really sorry.Geoff.

[Croix]

Dear A147~
I really feel for you. Having all this to deal with will of course place huge stresses on you, and there is probably no answer that does not have big downsides.

Reading about what happened in the past I don’t think you have anything to reproach yourself about or to feel ashamed about either. Trying to reconcile and make a go of it shows maturity and a willingness to forgive. If it worked it would also have been the best thing for your daughter, possibly all three of you.

Your family – like many – can give all the advice in the world, but they don’t really know all the facts and are not the ones on the spot, and don't have to live with the consequences either.

You asked if you should take his denials at face value or contact the other woman in an effort to find out the truth.

Nobody can answer that for you, the best one can do is ask you how you – and he too I guess – will feel about the answer.

If she says there is no affair do you accept that? I would expect under the circumstances you will still not feel absolutely certain about things. Even if she is telling the truth how would you know? Add to that if your husband strayed before with this lady he might do so again with another

If she says there was an affair what will you want to do. Live with it or pack up and leave?

In all this uncertainty one thing you do know right now is your husband has not been straightforward with you, in the past by saying it was only a one-night stand – as if that makes a difference. More recently by trying to hide her incoming call.

Whatever happens I don’t think your husband is someone you can rely upon, and being in the situation of feeling he wishes female company elsewhere is pretty soul destroying.

May I ask, if you were to put this particular question to one side, what your relationship with your husband is like on a day to day basis? Do the pair of you enjoy being together, cooperate and work well together and so on, or are things normally otherwise?

Croix

[A147]

Hi Geoff

Thank you so much for your comments, i havnt been on this site to look for a while but I really very much appreciate the support at this time. I really am at a genuine crossroads and have to trust what little sanity I have left to make the right decisions. A lot at stake at the moment.

Thanks again Geoff

[White_Rose]

Dear A147

Hello and welcome to the forum. I see you first wrote in March. I am sorry I missed your post. However the three guys above have provided some great insights to your situation. They have all said it is your decision to make whether to stay with husband or leave. I will say the same. That doesn't mean you cannot talk here, air your frustration and examine the pros and cons.

This is a safe place to do this. No one knows who you are.

How is it all going? You said I really am at a genuine crossroads and have to trust what little sanity I have left to make the right decisions. Yes indeed, trust yourself and your inner knowledge which we sometimes do not recognise. I stayed with my husband for 30 years. He did not stray or anything like that. He was (still is) a bully and much like your husband he believes he has the right to do as he pleases regardless of the consequences to others. It was scary to move away although I did not young children to worry about. They had all grown up, moved out. Now have families of their own.

For you I think there are two major problems. How do you separate, how will you take care of your daughter and minimise any damage, and where will you live.

The second question is your emotional well being. How well will you manage on your own, just the day to day matters and the big decisions.

I feel it was the best thing I did to leave but there is no denying there were difficulties and I went through bad patches with little support. Are you near enough for your family to help? I think these are the kind of matters you need to decide. Sometimes the obvious of writing down the pros and cons can be useful.

I hope to hear how you are going.

Mary

[A147]

Hi Croix

Thank you so much for writing back, over the last two weeks ive been workshopping many of the supurb questions you raise, will contacting the other women to get a definitive answer make any difference, my husband may have already been in contact with her to ask her to keep quiet OR she may have a vested interest in telling me to get me to move aside? im not sure, even if she said no I would still feel suspicious. It has taken me a long time to get over the 1st event and I have really been struggling with intimacy issues. He has said that I do not show him enough affection which is what lead him to cheat in the 1st place.

to answer the question about our relationship; We have short instances of getting along and pulling in the right direction together which is why we bought the farm as it is something we were both supposed to enjoy otherwise I find it very difficult to talk to him as he will not listen to me or quickly change subjects (this will just be in regular conversations) he will constantly nag me about small things (well thats what it feels like) like keeping things neat and tidy etc and I probably mostly feel like I am walking on eggshells due to a quick fuse. His parents are always here and very heavily involved in our lives, they have helped us finance the farm, they have very good intentions, though it can get trying. He is used to his mother doting on him and they refuse to aknowledge what has happened in the past. They think he is a very good person. It has been a bitter pill to swallow. It would be fair to say that I havnt really been happy for a long time. It has not been a nurturing relationship, I was very affectionate and nurturing toward him in the beginning but I became tired with the emotional ups and downs. It has been 20 years of ups and downs.

I am resigned, I dont have anything left in the tank to give, I really dont, i am mentally exhausted and close to shutdown, I cant concentrate at work (I am frightened I will lose my job) so I really do need to take responsibility and change my life as I think it is really very clear that he will not aknowledge his shortcomings or change or want to change. I dont have my family here but I could probably wrestle up a support network. I think maybe the next step would be to find a lawyer or mediator perhaps? I took my vows very seriously but I dont have any fight left in me 😞

Thanks for providing a safe place to talk I am so so grateful

[Croix]

Dear A147~

Yes, it is a safe place to talk, and I hope it lets you know you are not alone. It sounds very much a them-and-I situation, a spoiled boy and his doting parents, with you on the outside.

As your daughter would most probably be the center of attention should you decide to break up I'd suggest you lay your groundwork carefully before taking any action. If your in-laws do not accept your husband has done anything wrong the whole thing might quickly become a mess. I can't really offer much more about that.

What I can say is that anyone who says they are close to shutdown, depressed and have no fight left needs support, both medical and personal. I'm glad you said you could probably get a support network. I'd hope you are in contact now, to talk things over, get other ideas and perspective and most importantly feel cared for and not alone.

As well seeing your doctor and setting out in detail how you feel would be an excellent idea. Medical supervision and possibly even some direct help seems entirely appropriate.

Whatever you decide you are not going to fix things quickly and need to be in the best mental and physical position possible. While it might be a huge effort to keep on working and a constant worry, I think it is a great thing to have, not just for the money, but also for the distraction and accomplishment your profession can bring.

I've found work a real boon at times.

We are here for you.

Croix

[Libby1]

Hi A147, I really feel for you in this situation. You seem to be in a very powerless position with your husband and his family. My suggestion to you is you start to reclaim some of your power. Affairs are about entitlement, manipulation, power and control. My husband had an emotional affair during a destructive midlife crisis. The most useful resource I found was Debra MacLeod audio programs. You can listen to them more than once. They also come with a useful workbook. Please invest in the program for the betrayed spouse. There is also a good one titled Getting Through The Day. Also, talking to someone maybe a professional is helpful in addition to the audio programs. Do not contact the other woman. This gives away your power. It shows you have no control over your own marriage. Getting them to cease contact is very difficult. It does require you to make a tough decision. What type of relationship do you want? Your husband seems to be pleasing himself with little regard for your feelings. The audio programs will help you flip this around. Focus your energy on yourself and your daughter. Spend time with your daughter, your family and your friends. Plan some time away from your husband, even if it is a weekend. Make a list of some fun things you would like to do for yourself. Try to keep calm and in control of your emotions. He will start to see that he may lose you. It should be him making a big effort to invest in and rebuild your relationship. Don't feed your husband's ego by making this all about him or about him and her. You can certainly get some advice from a lawyer and financial planner. I saw a lawyer and also had our house valued without my husband knowing. It gave me strength. I have four teenage kids. Support from your family may also help. Take care of you! Look after your health: sleep, exercise, nutrition, rest. This is a difficult time and will consume your time and energy. You are an intelligent woman. Be kind to yourself.