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Crush on good friends husband

Sandy centre
Community Member

Hi all

I have been married 9 years however have had a huge crush on a married person for 7 years. I still love my husband and have not cheated on him.

I don't if I developed this crush because I can't have children naturally and we have finished the ivf path. I feel gu

I am good friends with my crush 's wife however yesterday she told me that my crush is interested in someone else and it is not me.

56 Replies 56

Sandy centre
Community Member

Hi I have continued with my post

i feel really angry, sad, confused and don't know what to do as I have suspected that my crush was a little interested in this other person. These friends also can't have children.

I still want to remain friends with both of these people because I know they don't have a great support network.

any help and how I can feel better in this mess would be great. I have written a poem about my crush however this makes me sad because it's not about my husband.

Thanks

Hi Sandy centre,

Welcome to the BB forums.

When people get married it is never expected that you won't ever be attracted to other people. However it is expected that you don't act on those feelings because you have made a promise and commitment not to.

When the attraction is to a good friends partner it is hard because it is likely you will see him often. The fact he is looking elsewhere is indicative of the breakdown of their relationship not yours.

My suggestions are:

  • Support your good friend, the wife, her marriage is breaking down and she has been cheated on. She needs your support.
  • Do not support the husband, your crush. It is healthy to have fantasies and crushes but not to act on them while married. He is seeing someone else and can support himself. He made that choice.
  • Consider what is wrong with your relationship with your hubby. IVF can be very stressful and put a lot of strain on a marriage. It can also take the spark out of the sexual relationship. This is quite common. Try and focus on your relationship rather than your crush. Do things with hubby that have made you happy in the past or try something new and exciting with hubby. You can also look at marriage counseling, perhaps there are ones who are experienced with IVF strain on marriage.
  • Poems and writing are good ways to deal with emotions and feelings. Writing doesn't hurt anyone as long as you keep it private to your eyes only. You say you feel sad because it is not about hubby. Perhaps write what you feel about the crush and then once you have all your feelings down start writing about hubby. The counseling may help you find that spark back with hubby. You could write some fantasy situations with hubby to try and help your imagination refocus.

Kind thoughts,

Carol

Hi Carol

Thanks for your help. I spoke to my crush's wife today and I am really confused what to do.

She told me that she has contacted this girl that my crush is interested in and told her to back off. I am not sure if this is going to help the situation. I am also concerned now that she has told me that my crush has pictures of girls on his phone. I keep wondering did he ever have me on there.

I am still really confused, angry and feel guilty because I don't know what to do and how to handle the situation. I think i am also really scared when I will next have to see him.

I wish i could erase all of the compliments that he used to tell me like how nice i looked and even told me at a party that i looked beautiful. The most recent one has been about how much he loves my perfume when I see him which is not that often. i still feel guilty because I still remember the day I met him and I was like a teenager and I had butterflies in the stomach. I didn't have butterflies in the stomach when I met my husband.

i guess my guilt and anger is also that this year on New Year's Eve I rang him when I was a bit drunk and wished him Happy New Year!!! Thankfully I have not done anything stupid and I still love my husband

any other suggestions would be great

thanks sylvia

Hi Sylvia

Call me old fashioned but I feel sorry for your husband because feeling tempted now will mean one day you'll jump the promised boundaries.

I read once an article from a psychiatrist that he was attracted to one of his patients. However, this was normal but, he never considered taking it further for many reasons.

Restraint due to inappropriateness.

Tony WK

hi Sylvia, you're in a bit of an awkward situation where you lose in one way or the other, but it is true as Carol says that we will always be attracted to other people, this goes without any doubt, always has and always will happen, however if you do have an affair with him, then two marriages would break down and you're not even sure that a relationship is ever going to last.
If this chap has a crush on someone else rather than you it will upset you considerably and could make your present marriage to become quite difficult without your husband knowing why.
When this chap's wife tells this other lady who he is interested in to back off, this will only make it to more tempting for her to see how far she can go and see how exciting it becomes.
I wonder why the husband wants to be interested in other women, firstly you and then this other girl, because it's not going to stop here, there will be other ladies he will be interested in, so the possibility of him having an affair is most likely, which will then break up this marriage and any trust will be broken.
The only solution is to avoid seeing him, and if you want to stay connected with his wife you will have this continual thought of 'what if', so I wouldn't see either and try and work on what is missing in your marriage, sorry. Geoff. x

Hi Tony

Thank you very much for advice. I really appreciate it.

Sylvia

Dear Geoff

Thank you very much for your efforts and advice and putting my ridiculous situation into perspective.

It has definitely given me some clearer ideas and hope. I think it will take time however by focussing on my husband who is a good man will make a difference.

Thank you

Sylvia

Rega

Hi Sylvia,

Compliments do wonderful things for our self esteem and well being don't they! Like White Knight mentioned, it is normal to be attracted to other people, the thing is to look and not touch if you want to show respect to your partner and even to the partner of the person you have a crush on.

My suggestion is that you start to make a list of things you would like to do yourself and most importantly with your husband. Your husband might not want to join in, so don't nag him, just make suggestions of things you would like to do together.

I made a list of places I would like to go with my husband and different things we could do to make our lives a bit more interesting. He didn't join in with many options, but I had a good time myself fulfilling a lot of what I had written down.

Sometimes we need to find the happiness and contentment within us.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Dear Mrs Dools

Thank you for your advice.

Just wondering as I am feeling really scared, upset and angry about the next time that I may have to see my crush any advice about how to deal with this situation?

His wife doesn't want me to let him know that i know what is going on.

Any help would be great.

Thanks Sylvia