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Crush on good friends husband

Sandy centre
Community Member

Hi all

I have been married 9 years however have had a huge crush on a married person for 7 years. I still love my husband and have not cheated on him.

I don't if I developed this crush because I can't have children naturally and we have finished the ivf path. I feel gu

I am good friends with my crush 's wife however yesterday she told me that my crush is interested in someone else and it is not me.

56 Replies 56

Hi Sylvia,

I can well imagine you may feel a little confused and have mixed emotions when you next see this guy. If it was me in your situation, I would try to make sure I am not left alone with this guy.

Be polite, chat, try to keep your thoughts on yourself, your husband and the wife of this guy. If the wife doesn't want you to tell about all you know, I guess she has her reasons for it. Must be tough on her to know what her husband is doing.

If this guy compliments you, then thanks him and don't encourage anything more. As he already has other females he is interested in it makes me wonder how strong and meaningful his relationships actually are.

Most importantly, if I was in your shoes, I might look and have longings, but try really hard not to touch, to not dream of what might have been with him, and to realise he is not mine to have.

You may well grieve for something you had hoped for but never had. Sometimes in relationships we want more, it is not always a good thing to look for it outside of a relationship or marriage.

Hope some of this rambling makes sense!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Dear Mrs Dools

Thank you for your help. I am still really scared about the next time that I see my crush and what I am concerned about is that he may not be very nice to me? I am going to seek some advice when I get back from my holidays about the what ifs that I constantly think about and also the constant worry that I have most of the time about what other people think.

Do you have any suggestions about how I should handle this situation if he is not particularly nice to me? Or should I just walk away? Sorry for my ridiculous thoughts

i understand if you don't want to reply.

Thanks Sylvia

dear Sylvia, I'm sure that this would a horrifying thought for you, but to me his is a man on a mission to be the most friendly person to all ladies that he can be, as his quest for impressing a lady is what he will always do, I'm sorry but you won't be the last female he has left behind, there will be a string of lonely ladies, but I expect that he will say hello to you and ask how are you and then move on, you have to remember that he is a casanova of women and has no respect for how these ladies are generally feeling, at first he will seem to be just so he can trap you.
If however he is not nice to you, then ask him how many other females he has done this to, because eventually he will be caught out by a husband who doesn't like the way he tempted his wife away, that's how I would feel, and when I suspected that she was seeing someone else, I only wanted to know who it was. Geoff. x

Hi Sylvia,

Your thoughts are not ridiculous. It sounds like you have loved this guy from a distance for a long time. It is hard to let go of someone or something. I am sure we all understand that.

I tend to agree with Geoff. This guy you have a crush on seems to be able to bring women in to his life. He may keep flirting with you, or he may ignore you.

If he does become negative and verbal, then yes, I suggest you just walk away from him and tell yourself that you are a lovely person and you deserve to have peace on the inside.

Heading off track now, I live close tot he Barossa Valley in S.A. We were without power for about 15 hours. Some places still don't have power! We are not sure if the power will stay on or not! It is amazing how much we rely on electricity to do just about everything. Even the mobile phone towers had no power!

My replies might be spasmodic. We have a bit to clean up here! Nothing at all serious thankfully!

I'm sure we had a thread here somewhere on Self Esteem. I will see if I can find it and start it up again soon. That is something I lack. I often wonder what people think of me then other days I just don't care all that much.

Hope you are safe from all these storms!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Dear Mrs Dools

I appreciate your help. I hope everything is ok in the plight of these terrible storms.

I am still quite worried how I will be when I next see this man however you are definitely helping me put this into perspective. I just can't stop feeling so guilty and angry. In some ways I now wish that we never met. I am also anxious because we work in the same industry and we both know a lot of the same people. Anyway I will keep trying to put things into perspective and also try and keep working on my husband to talk to me about not having children

Thanks again Sylvia

Community Member

Hi there

you mentioned trying to have kids and going through IVF but you didn't elaborate. This appears to be significant, what's the deal with that and how is hat sitting between you and your husband??

Hello Apollo Black

Thanks for helping.

Basically my husband and I were on the IVF roller coaster ride for 7 years and we did our last cycle a year ago. We are both interested in adoption however I really want to have another round and my husband doesn't. I am not worried about adoption however I just don't know about how i will cope with waiting. I don't like the fact that I seem to be making myself more busy with my job so i am avoiding the issues.

It is also not helping the fact that I am 42 and will be 43 in 5 months. Both my husband and I have reasons why we can't produce children. I would be more than happy to use donors to help us. We just don't want to go into a surrogacy situation. I get It is also not helping that my crush can have kids but his wife can't and she is almost 50.

Any suggestions or advice would be great

Thanks Sylvia

Hi Sylvia

So potentially 7 cycles of IVF? I'm not at all familiar with IVF and of course your reasons are personal to you both. I could and would never give any advice around this mainly because you wouldn't listen to whatever I said anyway. If you really want to persue this you will. You obviously are aware of the risks with increasing age however it's not an impossibility.

the thing I was getting at is that what I was wondering was that your "crush's" sperm was viable and your husband's wasn't - hence might be a motivating factor for you. It sounds more complicated than that.

have you had any counselling around this. I'm wondering if the fertility clinic should have provided you with this given your mulitple attempts.

This is such a touchy topic - I think I my own mind if I was with someone and we couldn't conceive. I would look at adoption. If I couldn't wait I would look at foster parenting. If anything I would be diverting a lot of wasted energy into such a good cause and of course gain valuable experience in parenting.

You seem to be so focused on this "crush" of yours. But is this a distraction from something much more painful in your life - the need for a child? You're wanting direction and advice. I would really suggest some counseling if you haven't had it already, at least for yourself in the interim and maybe to include your husband who may or may not feel deeply inadequate that he too hasn't been able to have a child. How is he going in all of this? Does he know how you feel? Is he trying to be present with you? It is he too distracted with other things? What are these reasons you speak of?

if you have a "crush" then your husband isn't providing the goods. For his sake he needs to know this somehow and be given the opportunity to change. OR you severe your ties and move on. I'd be getting some professional counsel.

hi Sylvia, can I ask you what your husband would think if he knew that you had this continual crush on this other fellow, sure we have to accept that most people have a crush on somebody, but the thought of actually wanting to be with them does create an enormous problem between the both of you, because it may happen again, until finally something does happen which could end you marriage. Geoff. x

Hi Apollo Black!

Thanks for your help.

The latest is that my crush wants to have a child naturally but he doesn't know who with and he has no fertility issues. He has told his wife and naturally she is devastated I would be too. His wife sent me an sms message too. The other thing that they are dealing with is quite a high profile friend with members of his family have been killed in a terrible accident in the past week and they are not dealing with this very well. I sent a message to both saying that will be there for both of them.

My crush sent me a message to me to say that he is trying to sort things out...and appreciates my support. His wife also told me that my crush doesn't want to talk to anyone.... ??? Well why does my crush want to sms me? Is it an ego builder?

My husband keeps telling me to keep out which I think is good. I feel guilty

I am still scared, confused and feel really silly any suggestions would be good. I completely understand if you don't want to. I feel that I have put myself in this mess.

Regards Sylvia