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Contact with Ex Wife - never while I am around

No_Grey_Areas
Community Member

We've been married for a year and half (both second marriages). He has two adult children (27 and 30 year old). Hubby and I have had some huge big ugly arguments over his texting to his ex wife. He has let her know I am uncomfortable with it and I have seen texts to him in which she highlights how texting will get him into trouble - but then proceeds to text or text a time for a call. I have told hubby that he should never discuss my issues/ insecurities with his ex/ another woman!!! NEVER. She knows how I feel: yet continues to. We had a huge big ugly argument over the texting recently: it's never when I am around. No contact at all when I am around. Always when I am at work or out of home. In the recent argument, I told husband to let me in - let me know when he wants to contact her, about what or that she has made contact with him. Although it will be uncomfortable, at least it is not hidden.

Step daughter (who the mum lives with) totally snubbed me at family get together and started a conversation with her Dad: Mum said she had messaged you...... It felt like a double whammy. The daughter will know that I have a contact issue with the ex (living with mum and all), and yet chose to bring it up at that time. Husband did NOT tell me of any contact - yet we agreed he would...... I felt like a huge outsider sitting with his family at the table. Everything stopped.... I had to walk away and did not return to table (went home). Am I wrong for feeling like an outsider? He seems to have made it clear that I am not in his family; yet encourages me to gatherings.... why?

Why did step daughter do this! She knew full well the issues we have with her mum contacting her dad..... I am mad, hurt and want to walk away from it all. Hubby says I am treating him like poo.

PS: he then told me what ex had texted, but only because it had come to light. He had NO intention of telling me otherwise (he even deleted text evidence from his phone).

9 Replies 9

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello No Grey Areas, well it does seem as though you're on the outer here, and no respect has been given to you, and it does interest me why he and/or she/he would want to text eachother regularly, they're divorced or separated if it was only a r/ship.
I know I contact and see my ex at our grandkids birthdays (5 and 3), but why would I want to talk to her everyday, even if it's only occasionally, to me it doesn't make any sense, their r/ship has ended.
You are never sure what is said between them, he may delete what he thinks you shouldn't see, to me your marriage isn't really one, either it has to stop or the marriage is over, but how do you know if it does stop if you want to stay together.
I would be asking him why this happens or why does he need to contact her. Geoff.

Geoff - thank you for taking the time to respond. My eyes stung at reading exactly what I think/ feel... "how do you know if it does stop if you want to stay together". My gut tells me I KNOW it won't stop - or is that me being my negative self... I have, in the passed known he is talking to some other lady (usually his ex) because he does not say much to me about anything, we sit in silence (he could take these quiet times to fill me in on some of their chats!). When I have broached the subject that he is quiet. Then bite the bullet and ask if he is chatting to ex again, it blows up into an aggressive row, he will deny it and call me every name under the sun. Then, somewhere in the heated hours, he will admit it... I am unsure why I need him to confirm what I know inside myself. Why do I make him get so angry just to hear him say he has been in contact with his ex? I ask myself often.

I've got to think on this and somehow find the strength to accept his needs or.... like you say; how would I know if it did stop. Check his phone!? Listen to his conversations with his adult children for a clue that he is/ isn't in contact.... I shouldn't have to.. but perhaps, I am not as easy to talk to as a 29 year long marriage partner? Maybe I just can't mentally satisfy him like she did/ does.

Thank you again for taking time to write what I seem to already know deep down. It has helped me today.

This'll be different to what your thinking , but how long have they been divorced and wondering why they divorced , and also , does she have a new partner ?

Tbh , if it was me l don't think l'd be that worried about it , they divorced . IT's not unusual though for divorced people to become friends later on.

The daughter , it's a big ask yaknow for even an adult kid to have the new wife or h at a family thing. When l was working through my divorce l met 40yr olds that still had trouble with their parents divorce. Sje just wants her family there and to expect tp be comfortable sitting around with your h , his kids and his ex w, to me that's pretty unrealistic and very unnatural. Sure it just happens with some , what do they call it , mixed families is it but hey that isn't the case here and that's pretty rare anyway,

lf it was me l'd let them have their time , l wouldn't even go. Just try to relax and let them have their day , chances are he's not even interested in his ex in that way , they divorced.

The chatting thing , yeah , dunno. Don't think l'd be too worried or cause too much hassle bc that's likely to backfire big time. l doubt they're stillin love or anything bc if he's remarried then all that tales a while after divorce and they would have had plenty of time before you to get back together, but they didn't, right .

If they still get along then they'll always have something , and the family, l'd try to work with it l think , get him to cut back a bit for sire but l don't think you got much to worry about.

Hi again NGA,

Every relationship has needs and expectations some reasonable others outsid personal limits.

In your relationship with this man your expectations (yours not mine) are such that trust has eroded away because he hasnt respected you for limiting his excess contact with his ex. Once trust has gone as Geoff eluded to, how can you ever trust again.

Then thete is the flip side, that Randomx spoke about. He has a valid point about such contact...they are divorced and often divorcees end up friends. Having childten together means even more reason to remain friends

Thats the two sides of thought. Then there is your mans daughter. Her conversation to her father upset you. Should she be able to talk to her father about anything? Why should she have to question what she talks about to him? Do you think she should consider you at all times?

For me there are too many conditions and their foundation has grown from loss of trust. There might also be some issues from your side like possessiveness to sort out.

Id suggest that relationships counseling is crutial if you want this to work. It cant continue on the way it has.

If he wont go to counseling then you can attend yourself because self help is just as important for clarity to move forward, whatever that involves.

Tony WK

hi NGA, you have to weigh up the balance here, and what I mean by this is whether the rest of your r/ship with your husband is how you want it to be, and there are many issues here to consider, fondness, love, compassion, help around the house and/or understanding (besides this with his ex) and if these are good then which one outweighs the other, and whether or not you want to tolerate this. Geoff.

Hi White Knight - please do not think I expect his daughter to consider me all the time. This string was posted only because I needed advice and someone to try help me where I was falling short, in thinking. I do not stop her from seeing or chatting to her dad - whilst I know, full well, I am not a parent, I do know how important my own dad was to me. We shared everything and I would not take this away from his daughter - and have not.

If I start from beginning of our relationship you would get an idea of how she does not consider me and has, continually spoken ill about me to her dad. Made as if I am a money grabber, when, now, I am the one supporting her dad (as he has been unemployed for six months). She messaged us on our honeymoon that she was worried with our marriage what she would end up with/ without. Threatened him with not seeing him ever again and and and. I have not stepped in once and try to mentally deal with all her verbal/ emotional black mailing of her dad. I would never stop her contact with her dad nor ask for details from it.

My question was why then.... not, why at all.

Thank you for your thoughts Randomx. You've all given me food for thought and a fresh approach to something that, to me was the straw that broke the camels back. Please know I do not expect much from his adult children. As for your question: they divorced because my hubby "had to let his ex go" as he had an affair with a professional lady of the night (who he later brought across to live with him). This new relationship did not work and the lady returned overseas. Yes his ex got engaged but never moved in with her fiancée, but rather, moved in with their daughter (when she moved out of home into her own place shortly after we got married). I am not privvie to too much more detail on why or her circumstances.

I do worry because at the start of our relationship hubby sang her praises: best sex he ever had was with her. Shared showers etc etc stuff I need not have been told (and wish I hadn't!). The early stage of our relationship, I asked him why he never went back to his ex - he said he couldn't as it was done. The contact now, would be fine by me if not ALWAYS in secret. Be open about it. Ring each other, but once in while when I am around would ease feelings!! Let me meet the lady who does not want to meet me, yet messages my husband...

I can't write all that's happened or that I have done - just what has sparked me seeking a shoulder to lean on.

Sorry to drag it all up no gray but yeah can see where your coming from and with the in secrecy thing, yeah no one would be comfortable with that part of things l know. At least people will have a better idea of the sitch now so hopefully so more thoughts and suggestions.

Not great when they talk about ex either is it, made that mistake myself until l was told , didn't even realize. It wasn't in any good way though just a big part of my past so it was kinda hard to avoid sometimes was all it was with me.

Hi NGA

Ive decided to reply again. Two things, firstly the story was clearly not complete in your first post, thats ok, its quite complex. But it read differently than was meant.

Secondly there is clearly a trust issue between you and your husband of which he is clearly responsible for. He has created your insecurities. There has likely been some roll on effect from that.

When his daughter told him at the gathering that her mother messaged him he should have told her something along these lines..."Im married to....now so my contact with your mum will go on a needs basis" etc.

My wife was adamant about this, that your husband needs to set strong boundaries for his own behaviour.

I believe counseling is crutial because the lack of trust is deeply damaging.

Best of luck.

Tony WK