Never Felt Close to Anyone Except One
I am 24 year old, female and moved to Australia about a year ago. I have felt lonely pretty much most of my life. I had a bad childhood, I was sexually abused. I could never tell anyone, not even my family. I was sometimes beaten up by my father and those are the only memories I have of my childhood. I have never felt any attachment with my parents, never miss them nor do I miss any of my friends in the past. I feel I am stuck in the time where those bad incidences of my childhood took place. I still cry about those times, get dreams about them. I talk to my dad normally just superficial. I feel I can never forgive him and also my mom for never protecting me. I always resist people. Never want to get any close to anyone. I can't make a conversation of more than a min with any of them. In fact, I can't make a personal conversation with anyone. This is the first time I am even talking about this. I met this amazing man about 5 years ago. We both love each other like anything but I can't speak my heart out to him even after spending a long time with him. But i guess at this time I am resisting him too. I push him away all the time, say rude things on his face when I know I do not mean them. I no more enjoy sex . In fact, I hate it when he touches me. I feel disgusted and also sometimes I him back to push him away. I am okay with cuddling but when he tries something more than that, I resist. In my head I think does he just want this from me? I never get a desire to have sex on the other hand. I know he loves me but I feel I am hiding so much from him that I am not myself. He sleeps just next to me and I am still lonely. It is hard to believe but I feel I have not experienced happiness for a very long time. I have read a lot about depression and have done many online test for it. I am not sure how should I tell my GP or how do I even start a conversation? I feel like I am stuck at that very place where those bad things happened. I thought I will move places and I will be better but I am still stuck there. Just want to know if this is a medical condition or I have to live with this forever? I want to make things work with this person because he is only one I care about, only one whom I miss, only one I feel attached to.
I hope reading other's opinions may give me a start and I could lead a happy life or at least take a step toward making my life better.
That post must have cost you a lot, a very hard first step, and I would expect you are worrying about having done it, perhaps even some regrets after you pressed POST. On the other hand you life has so much in it you hate that something had to happen.
Well, it's a pretty good move. There are others here who have had similar experiences, and we all care and would like to help you have a better life. I'm not a doctor so cannot specifically diagnose what is wrong, however I can say that I have PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression (not from the same cause as you) and I think what you are experiencing has a lot of similarities.
Three great things show up straight away. The fact you have found someone is a true blessing. Another is your ability to look at yourself and see what is happening. The third of course is having the courage to make that post.
Overcoming your past is not something I'd expect you to be able to do by yourself, any more than I could. I would imagine it will take medical professionals, time and love at home.
So to go further you need to take another first step, letting a GP know about your past and your current state. Just booking a long consultation and setting things out face to face is a very big ask of yourself. To be that dispassionate, organized and not chicken out on some parts can seem too much. I'd suggest when you are ready write everything down in brief point form, then in the appointment share the paper. See where that leads.
If you are diagnosed with PTSD, as very many who have experienced abuse are, then you would expect there to be more than just meds, with therapy playing a large role in your recovery, providing you with the tools to make yourself better and cope well.
I've not talked about what to say to your partner, I think this post has covered enough for a first innings
I hope you fell welcome and safe enough to return and say what you think
l don't know much about all this sorta thing but it sounds like some good advice here for you and you posting it here has gotta be a huge first step in the right direction for you too l reckon, well done .
But the other thing l'm worried about is your bf and relationship. You don't really say if your actually in love with him from what l could tell but l'm a bit worried that if you are , this treatment of him will have been taking it;'s toll on him and the relationship for a long time . At any age that would really ware any partner and their feelings down and start building a lot of resentment, not good , and it makes me think that it could've even been something like that with my gf, now ex because her marriage turned into very abusive. ln the end it all got too much , l just couldn't find a way around her issues, whatever they were and we've now split up because of them. but at his age and him dealing with it all this time already l think it's really , really important if you don't wanna lose him, that you some how find a way to explain to him what's been going on with you and as soon as you can. Maybe the help people have suggested here can help you find a way to tell him but l would really do something about it soon because l don't think he'll be putting up with it much longer from here. He'd be as confused as all hell and sick to death of it.So see what you can do and find a way eh , he really needs to know all this stuff and soon.
Best of luck and please get yourself the help you need , you need help to get through this and you deserve it.. Take care eh.