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Confused
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I have no idea how to handle this my family member who I’ve mentioned before as kinda I guess it could be considered low contact as in they are avoiding me and my child but are leaving gifts in my doorstep, lying to me about not wanting gifts for their children then turning up with 200$ of Easter eggs and telling me they wernt getting us any beforehand, sending me into a tizzy because I wanted to get their kids eggs and we both agreed not to
the most recent thing is my family member is asking what my child wants for their birthday ( the precursor is oh target is having a toy day” they just heard about that sale has been on for 3 weeks) lol
my child has told me numerous times that they don’t want anything from this family member because they have hurt my child’s feelings calling them a cow and blocking them out of seeing their cousins, i know this tactic of my family member is called hoovering but im really not sure how to manage it i know my child doesn’t want gifts on the back door step I also know that my child Says they don’t want a present from them .. I find these things so triggering I’m trying not to react and be like well going the same tactic my family has used on me which is to ignore or say I don’t know what my kid wants… it’s all so weird and completely confusing , another development is the family member left a birthday card in my letterbox thanking me for all I do ???? I haven’t seen this avoider for 6 months and I wonder why like why are they up to ? Also family member left birthday present in my back door step at 9:30 at night I’ve bearly opened them
because I’m like who actually puts presents on peoples back doors steps I find the whole thing extremely hurtful and weird
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Hi Blues23 - yes I definitely remember reading youjr previous posts! Wow - it sounds like your entire family has issues with confrontation and passive-aggressiveness! I am thinking what you may need to do is organise a big family meeting in order for these issues to be settled once and for all otherwise to me it looks like it's just going to keep getting worse. Make it incredibly clear in the invite that there will be repurcussions for 'bailing' on or not attending said meeting as well - ones that are automatically enacted and accepted and agreed upon by the other parties should they choose to continue to avoid what so clearly needs to happen.
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Hi audiology
I have tried this method before they just defect and ignore . I in turn have been treating my family member the same as they treat us and try and not react to anything they do . It is challenging because I still care for them but I’m also like can’t trust them I also find excluding a child because they have disability’s extremely rude and i feel so mad that the exclusion is like the rudest thing . The ghosting gift giving is just another way they try to hurt and think that they are “ being nice “ when they are actually going out of their way to cause pain by putting birthday presents on my back door step in the middle of the night like we have some sort of disease or we are too ugly to be looked at , i realise these are their behaviours and I remind myself of that but I can’t help be mad and hurt and sad more so for my child as she lost a lot of people she cared about when they all the time hated her all along it’s amazing to me how fake some people can be . It has broken my trust completely in my family and the worse it gets the more exclusion and bad behaviours come around the bigger divide I feel and I can’t fix it and the bigger divide means things can never be fixed and that’s I suppose the other thing that upsets me is that I lost my whole family in this and they can continue to treat us badly and go about pretending and being fake the whole time and it’s very annoying and triggering. I’m doing my best to get through it but sometimes I just don’t know how to react as it makes me so mad and all the emotions that come with it . It’s kinda hard at times I am learning to settle myself but still just long for the connections I used to have but knowing they are not safe and will never be safe is a hard thing to face. Let alone trusted the wrong people and am a complete idiot for not seeing it sooner
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Hi there,
First things first, you're not an idiot for trusting the wrong people. It happens, and sometimes we trust people with ill intentions and it's not our fault. It's actually on them for being so unkind. Give yourself some grace.
It sounds like this family member isn't getting the memo that you don't want to associate with them. I agree the presents on the back door step sounds weird and even creepy. I know you mentioned trying to talk to them before and it backfired, but I would suggest setting clear boundaries so this can hopefully stop.
You're obviously doing the best for you and your child which is great. If you don't feel safe, then it may be time to cut ties and move forward. You don't have to trust someone again who has hurt you.
I hope things get a little better for you today,
PsychDiaries
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Thanks psych diaries
I did try a few days ago to set boundaries they then got all passive aggressive again and accused me of having issues with their son who I’ve been really close to all his life apart from this forced exclusion on my family’s side . The back door gift giving I hate it it’s stupid and hurtful they asked what my child what’s for her birthday after calling her a cow and never apologised. And want to inflict the same weirdness & exclusion on her and I won’t have it . My feelings all week is to run , just block them off, move houses ,put a lock on my fence ( all things very extreme ,big reactions but it may bring me peace I long so much for peace not to have this over my shoulders every day it’s very heavy to carry ) I know they don’t care about us but then I have no family left and I feel bad for leaving my nephews who I love but it’s not my fault their parent is passive aggressive and hostile . I try to be just a grey rock but they are causing me so much emotional distress that my rock is more turning into a bolder and I’m sad I’m angry I’m dark And moody and I’m probably depressed I stay strong for my child’s sake . Im working in counselling how to end the relationship but the trauma bond is so big and the damage is so big and I’m also scared to cut them off because I still care but also have to protect my peace and my child’s . The road I have is hard I don’t know why people are like this . It makes no sense why they are nasty or passive aggressive it’s so stupid . And I get mad at my weakness for not standing up but anytime I do I get knocked down again and it completely breaks me because they are much more capable of being really mean than I am .
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It sounds like your therapist has already suggested what I was about to next and that was to go full zero contact with them. Advise them to stay off your property (they are ultimately trespassing should you advise them to stay away) and advise them you will contact the authorities if they continue to do so - it cant hurt to install a ring camera or two on your property to record them being on your property here either. This all sounds very 'scorched earth' - of which I am completely aware, but I only suggest it as a last resort if they continue to act the same way you say they keep reacting to you when you try and settle things amicably.
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Thanks audiology
things came to a head over the weekend let’s say my family member accusing me of like not being transparent in my txts ( accusing me of having “ weirdness “ and lying and making stuff up
and calling them names that I have issues with my nephews which is completely untrue , nothing of their own behaviour or what they are doing behind the scenes… it’s crazy how much people can change and be totally different to what you thought they were .. the blocking is i hope in process I can be like maybe at peace maybe . I’m writing my family members a letter and just ending it at least I hope I can pull thru and do it . It’s not my choice as they have already distroyed the relationship with their exclusion of us .
I don’t know about scorched earth ? Can you please explain more about that ?
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and most of all they are asking me to change how I txt them, explain myself better when I have and blame me for doing things when I haven’t, tell me im being deceptive in my txts and they can read between the lines like im not being honest well so can I I see them I see everything and the abuse I copped on Sunday left me sad all day and red hot with anxious energy I could feel it radiating out of my body which is entirely new feeling to me and all this was done via txt as these people not only don’t call me or talk to me directly they ghost me too silence me and brush me off after they have abused me with a just forget about it like as if I could .. I don’t even know what they are anymore .i defended my self against them but the damage is so irreversible now there’s no way to be like comfortable with these people anymore they are too much to deal with & too damaging to myself & my mental health & that’s the sad thing
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