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Confused

Harmony_81
Community Member

Hi all, it's my first time posting here, just hoping for some support as I'm really confused at the moment.

My husband of 19 years is a "Gamer" he calls himself this. Playing online games around his work hours. Recently while replying to our child on his phone a message popped up that was from a lady. I followed into the chat, her message was the only one in the inbox. Anyway long story short they'd been messaging each other for a number of months. My husband suffers from depression and said to me he was talking with her online as they both suffer from depression and could find common ground. Honestly I'd be totally fine with this situation except for the fact he had deleted all messages along the way. I'm feeling really confused and feel I'm at a fork in the road, He has lied to me in the past, to "Not upset me" I feel I need to reach out for some support. His gaming addiction has been a constant in our lives for the past 15 years and I guess I internally hold hope that one day he will stop.

6 Replies 6

Alaskanight
Community Member

I know this is nothing like your situation as you have a lot more time and a child involved, but I was engaged to a man, we were together for 7 years. He was also addicted to gaming. He had a gaming room where he would constantly be on the computer at all times when not at work, playing this one game, with a headset on talking to people. He never had time for me and always told me it was just fun because his job was stressful.

anyway I was in his game room trying to talk to him one night about a new job I got offered and he wouldn’t stop the game to talk to me and then I saw this message pop up on the screen saying something sexual and I questioned him about it and he said it was a joke from a guy he was talking to.

I let it go, but then started thinking about other little things that bothered me like he would never ever leave his phone unattended, he even took it into the shower. I never thought about it till now and so I checked it when he was asleep one night (I know I am bad for doing that, and this was before phones had passcodes) but sure enough there was texts from this gaming person. It was like a whole relationship.

so he denied it, we had a fight and I told him he had to stop playing that game so much, stop talking to her and spend more time with me and he agreed but never did.

I told him I was going to leave him if things didn’t change, and even that wasn’t enough for him to at least cut back so we broke up.

Gaming is honestly I think such an unknown serious addiction out there.

im sorry I can’t help or give you a good ending story, but I know how you feel and I’m sorry you are going through it.

i hope he can see what it’s doing to you and changes.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Harmony, and a warm welcome to you.

It may be a worry that this is happening after reading Alaskanight's comment. especially as he has lied to you before and deleted all the previous messages.

When we have counselling with a psychologist and come home from a session we maybe asked by our spouse/partner what was said and usually, we don't reveal much because there could be many topics we only discuss with them, and in saying that there is a difference between talking to a psych rather than someone we privately discuss various topics about, and then delete them.

Whether you want to call this an addiction you maybe right, so can you compare this to a cupboard drinker, the principles are the same but not well liked.

The words 'not upset me' automatically raises suspicion and I wonder whether he has seen someone in a professional capacity, starting with his doctor.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Thank you for sharing.

I actually have since found out more information. They had been inappropriately messaging, I read the messages...

I'm in shock still, he had been sending her gifts too and by the looks of it priced airfares to visit with her.

The messages said what he would like to do to her and that he'd like to make her his wife one day.

He told me it was all because he was depressed, I'm really hurt.

Off to the marriage psychologist tomorrow together....but feeling like I'd rather run from him.

Hi Harmony, Im sorry to hear you are going through this, just remember you are not alone BUT also remember life is to short for you to be unhappy and stop giving second, third or tenth chances.

My husband has depression and Ive noticed lately he is using it, as hard as it is, as an excuse fro things to. He lies, has been busted with drugs and always hides his phone, but when confronted says 'he needs a high in his life due to the depression'. my point is - we are there for our partners but i think enough is enough when they start using us and seeing or sexting other people. No your worth girl, find someone else that will love you and treat you right if he cant. xx Be strong and make sure you have support around you with what you decide.

Hi Positive Vibes,

Thanks for sharing, I would be giving the same advice too if I wasn't in the situation. I feel I'm not in the correct head space to be making any plans yet. He has deleted all his gaming apps and blocked the woman saying he is prepared to save us. We have had a session with a professional who has made further appointments for us. Guess time will tell.

Hi Harmony, I feel for you as I do for Positive Vibes because a temporary band-aid is difficult to sustain a rocky situation, and I say this because it never worked in my marriage, one or two days were good, but then back to our old habits.

Promises that are continually broken, guarantees that aren't kept, especially in the long run, make it hard to regain the trust you need with each other.

I have been wrong before and hope I am with this.

Geoff.