Confused

[Cindy_looloo]

I have been married for 15 years and with my husband for 18, We met in high school I fell pregnant and we stayed together. My husband had a gf before me they were in the same group of friends, they drifted after I fell pregnant. When my husband took me home to meet his family, they compared me to his ex and told me she was better suited. I told my husband this made me feel uncomfortable. When we had our daughter that night he went home I tried to call him as I was having a melt down and his phone was engaged for hours, the next day i found out he was on phone to his ex for hours because he felt overwhelmed and needed to talk to someone, she even came into the hospital and they cooed over our daughter together, we argued and I said I didn’t like it, as far as I know he hadn’t seen her since. When he joined fb years ago I saw he added her as a friend and we argued about it, I bit my tongue and just let it go and sarcastically said well you should just go for coffee then. Last week I found they have been private messaging for years. He will message things like “ I just heard this song and thought of you so thought I’d say hi” he invites her for coffee, asked if she really did sleep with the guy that broke them up, all these texts are when I’ve been at work. I knew nothing about them. He then text her saying he’s just been listening to their favourite song and thinks about what they used to have and yes sorry for hurting her all those years ago. He had major back surgery last year and I spent every day in hospital comforting him and helping him, I now see that as soon as I left he was texting her saying how **** he feels. I confronted him he says she’s just a friend but I don’t get that. Am I wrong to feel betrayed by any of this?

[nwjhl]

Cindy looloo , you should be feeling betrayed. That’s an emotional affair in my books. My husband did a similar thing and was talking and texting on the phone for hours to this woman, I found out about 3 weeks ago they are having an affair. It’s so out of line and inappropriate. Why do men do this?

[Croix]

Dear Cindy looloo (with a wave to Nwjhl)~

I can't suggest what you should do - if anything, what will work and what might turn into a disaster. All I can do is tell you how I would feel, I emphasize however this is just me.

I would feel very betrayed, second class and unloved. In my world there is commitment. Perhaps that lack of whole-hearted commitment is an answer to Nwjhl’s question as to why people do it in otherwise happy relationships

Building a life together is not always easy, no matter how much love and good will is there, and it takes single-minded effort at times. This should bring people together and make the relationship stronger as commitment is demonstrated, the relationship valued and life skills are learned.

If I had a partner who, openly or otherwise, was in constant intimate contact with another I’d feel alone. I would expect most people might at some time or other feel an attraction for someone other than their partner, it is part of life, and that is where commitment comes in.

Croix

[quirkywords]

Candyloo,

welcome to the forum.

I can understand how you would feel betrayed. I feel your husband has not been honest with you about his contact with this other woman.

A relationship is about trust respect and honesty and it seems he has not shown you much of any of those.

I think you have been very patient with him and put up with his behaviour for a long time.

Quirky

Nwyjl, I am sorry for what you are going through.

[GoodWitch]

Just popping in to say that yes, this is definitely a betrayal. You're not wrong (it might help to get some further validation i thought). It is what I would call an emotional affair. He's sharing feelings about your relationship with another woman while not sharing them with you, the one who is actually there and caring for him. And this woman is an ex-girlfriend so he can't claim they are just friends as there is history there that makes them more than that. They were once attracted, that rarely goes away entirely.

I wonder if he's imagining this woman as his alternative life i.e. the grass is always greener somewhere else. He might think if you hadn't gotten pregnant he may have ended up with her and he fantasizes that would be a better life. He's built that up as a perfect imagined relationship maybe, when in fact all relationships go through troubles and he'd just have different ones with her (or maybe the same ones, who knows?)

The fact remains he did marry you and he owes you loyalty and commitment, no matter the circumstances. He's gone behind your back for years to message someone when you've told him you don't like it - and as his wife and mother of his children you have every right to ask him to stop messaging her. He hasn't. That's a problem because he's ignoring your wishes.

Maybe it's time you had the tough talk- will he always dream of being somewhere else, or will be commit to you properly at last? It will be scary to ask, because you may fear his answer. But how long can you go on questioning his commitment to you? That's what you need to ask yourself I think.

Good luck Cindy

GW