FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Confused emotions

Chatty87
Community Member

Hi All,

I'm a little apprehensive about this issue and have been racking my brain on what to do for a few days now.

I'm seeking some advice on what my next step should be.

I've been married for 18 months now, together for 7 years. My wife and I have 2 kids together and they mean the world to me (another reason this is so hard). I never thought that I could have feelings for another woman but here I am...

I was away with work for 2 weeks on a course and I met her, along with 7 others completing the course. At first I thought nothing of it, I was there to do a job and got on with it. Then when we introduced ourselves to each other, there were things she said that sparked my interest so I wanted to know more.

From conversations I had with her I felt I was starting to like more and more about her, I had not felt this way about a person since I met my wife. This girl and I share the same interests we are both driven and motivated to achieve pretty much the same thing.

This scares me because I didn't go out to meet anyone else, I had a family back home. I feel like I have betrayed them, then again I also feel that if this was nothing and just a small flutter so to speak, why can I not stop thinking about her. Even when I am with my wife.

The way I see it I have a few options, each with pros and cons:

1, I ignore the feelings and stay with my wife and carry on like it never happened. However I have been feeling for a while now that I don't love my wife like I used to.

2, I leave my wife and kids and see how things go with the other woman. I hate to say it but this makes me feel happier than option 1. Cons are that I don't want to destroy my kids lives nor that of my wife. Plus the other girl has a boyfriend, she did however tell me that she felt something for me too.

I do not feel any inclination towards ending you life. I am however confused as all hell and don't know where to go from here.

My wife doesn't know that I am talking to this other girl and I feel like I'm cheating on her, even though nothing happened with the other girl.

Thanks ks for reading.

5 Replies 5

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi chatty, welcome

You are not cheating on her...yet.

There is a definite line not to cross. Let me ask you a question

Do you think long term marriages have individuals that have the same attraction to other people (as you are)?

Sure they do, I have. And they come and go in and out if my life...why are my feelings like yours? Because I'm human.

My wife and i enjoy such a close bond I can tell her if a lady on the TV is attractive. No harm done. Some can't do this. But when this lady friend of yours told you she had feelings for you I bet you didn't tell her "I'm married and I don't cheat on my wife...thanks anyway"

And because you didn't you are tempted to have a fling or leave your family for her. In other words that clear line of trust between your wife and you is not clear for you. You are tempted to breach it.

As you get older your compatibility relies less on lust and more on friendship and sharing your children. In 10 years time I wonder if you will feel guilty if your friendship with this lady doesn't impact on you as much as you think it should.

I read somewhere that a psychologist was extremely attracted to a patient. But he remained professional and that meant restraint.

Unless you are abused by your wife or she agrees to an open marriage she deserves your commitment and trust.

That my view. Yes it isn't easy but when you pledged your life to your wife you made a choice. Reneg on that choice and marriage in terms of value means zilch.

As I said, these attractive girls are everywhere. If you leave your wife for her....they'll be more down the track ...

And let's not forget your children..​

Tony WK

Thanks Tony,

I agree with pretty much everything you have said. Except one. I made it fully known to this other girl that I am married and have children, even showed her photos. I was the one that breached the conversation about having feelings for her too.

I believe in marriage, if I didn't I would not have entered into it. My issue is that I'm afraid that I do not love my wife any more (this was happening long before I met this other girl) and that I even feel this strongly about someone else in the first place.

I don't know if I feel a strong connection with my wife anymore, I want to. But I don't know if I can. I don't know what changed buthe I cannot help this feeling I have.

What you're feeling is a dopamine rush. It's very potent and drives affairs, addictions, all sorts of feel good stuff. You should read up on it and figure out if you can establish that kind of connection with you wife again.

Be careful because if you're still in communication with this other woman then you're playing with your families future - all over a chemical reaction

seriously, you're much better off looking at why you feel out of love with your wife and what you can do about it as a first step - it's much less painful believe me

Chatty87,

sounds like the 7 year itch.Mate all I can say is it's not worth it crossing the line.Theres an old saying you don't know what you've got till its gone -you are playing with fire.

sure early on marriage becomes routine, you're in a rut, everything becomes routine and it's very easy to get infatuated with somebody.Especially in the work environment. What did you feel when you showed her the photos of your wife and kids. Pride and Joy and love.Dont throw it away.Your wife and children deserve better.Marriage takes work.Work at it,

The grass isn't always greener on the other side.you don't want to be some old bum with a string of affairs knowing all too well and way too late that the one love you had you threw away and at what a cost.. Alarm bells are ringing. If you value your marriage find out why you feel the way you do.Seek some counselling if you value your marriage

- Take a cold shower-

Otherwise there will only be hurt and pain

ci
Community Member

OK so my advice or opinion whatever you want to call it is coming from a wife who has been with her husband for almost 20 years and our relationship started in high school so I'm not that old😁, also as a child who had a parent who wasn't faithful.

I understand what you are feeling when you have been together around 7 years it really is an adjustment time in relationships things grow and develop the lust can dye off a little but the amazing connection that will come from being together so long and having watched your children grow is so much better. We all might think back to the lust days and want that rush and sometimes you will go back to that during your marriage. But things go up and down that's what marriage is.

My relationship with parent who was unfaithful also is not great one I find it hard to respect them.

If you feel unhappy in your marriage my advice be honest with your wife seek help with counselling work on your family first if things don't work out at least you know you tried and your kids know you tried. As a wife I would see what you have done as a massive break in trust.

I'm sorry for being so blunt hope things work out for you