Confused about husbands feelings

[Lulule]

I’ve been with my husband almost 8 years and he has always when we fight said he doesn’t love me , never did , packs his stuff , then all settles down and he says he never meant it and expects me to just get over it. This has left me very insecure in our relationship and over the years have questioned him about cheating on me because I’ve never been able to feel secure because the frequency of him telling me this all the time

ive been at a low point in my life for about a year now battling with depression and PTSD, family issues due to childhood trauma has been a major stressor since September last year, we have had a terrible time and my husband had a motor bike accident in January leaving him immobile for 3 months, this last few weeks have been really bad where he seems so irritated at me , he has told me he doesn’t love me, hasn’t for ages, I annoy him, all this negative stuff he feels toward me and then he takes it all back expects me to just get over it and I can’t talk to him about it , then the next day he acts all nice telling me how much he loves me etc etc then that same day I will hear it all Over again with more detail each time and more things he can’t stand about me, I’m emotionally drained and confused beyond belief , the inconsistency is unbearable , he will look me dead in the eye and tell me he doesn’t love me. I feel he doesn’t I really do but then he tries to convince me he does and because I obviously don’t know what to believe he gets the shits that I can’t accept what he’s saying , we have another fight and I hear all the same thing again

he told me as well that he is only here because he feels I’m not mentally strong enough to cope if he left and because of the kids, he is over the shit with my family he said it’s not what he signed up for

I feel it’s inevitable I’ve asked him to just stop with the games, he keeps bringing up about me accusing him of cheating , I feel what’s coming next is him telling me he has cheated and that I pushed him to it

[Croix]

Dear Lulule~

Welcome here, I'm can understand why you came, it can seem very confusing to be treated that way. When you add into the mix your depression and PTSD it sounds terrible.

I know your husband's bike crash and resultant dependency will have clouded the issue and probably brought up feelings of duty and guilt however I think you should look at the basics.

For 8 years he has alternately blown hot and cold, and I'm sure from your reactions and talking with him each time will have realized quite early on the deep effect that has on you. Any partnership should be about two people caring for each other and wanting to make the other person's life as good as possible.

This simply is not happening here. While it is true one can say hasty things in a fit of temper one should try not only to make up for it later but also try to ensure it does not happen again. It looks much more like - to an outsider - that your husband is using this tactic to control and confuse you and as a result make you dependent on him.

Even his so called reason for staying is a put-down. As for pushing him into cheating, that is just plain wrong, he is the one doing the pushing, you are simply hurting and trying to make sense of things as a result.

May I ask if you are undergoing treatment for you depression and PTSD? As someone with the same illnesses I found I really needed medical support and only improved after I got it.

You mentioned family issues and major stress in you life (apart from your husband). Do you have anyone on your side to care for you and support you? Trying to deal with everything by yourself is very hard.

I suspect your husband's behavior does fall in a pattern but do not wish to be judgmental so might I suggest you  get an outside perspective from a professional about what has been happening since you married? Our own 24/7 Help Line (1300 22 4636) would be a good place to start, they can point you towards the proper services in your area. What you are going though is upsetting, make you doubt yourself and is simply not fair. Life can be so much better.

Please feel you are always welcome here

Croix

[Ruby__2]

Lulule

I have read your post and want to offer some advice that has helped me to deal with things beyond my control.

Please go and see your GP.They are there not just for medical/physical complaints but can refer you to a psychologist for free .I myself was initially resistant but after making that first step it helps to have an outsiders perspective who is there for you.

It may be daunting to unload to a "stranger" but it may just be the best thing you can do to start the rest of a fabulous life.Hope and love sent to you xx

[Lulule]

I am seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist but it’s been a month since my last appointments and no I have no support I only have my husband, my family are the cause of my ptsd and since I started trying to deal with it through professional help they have made my life hell doing horrendous things to deflect the attention off their wrong doings . It’s been a nightmare and with 3 Kids being affected by this breaks my heart. I have no one which is why it’s so hard with my husband because I know I’m hanging on to him and I feel pathetic but I can’t see coping without him

[Lulule]

I have already done this over a year ago

Thankyou x

[Lulule]

And not long after I wrote the original post he left me and told me it was over and was going to call authorities to come get my daughter because he said he knew I couldn’t cope without him, my daughter screamed after him as he drove off. He rang me about 1/2 hour later and he just kept telling me all these reasons why he didn’t want to be with me and that it’s not working, i pathetically begged as usual for him to come back which he eventually did and the cycle starts again me being scrutinised for any word I say that seeks some kind of assurance that he loves me which then snowballs into the same thing

[geoff]

Hello Lulule, I'm sorry for what's been happening, and what you say 'to deflect the attention from their wrong doings' is what has been happening.

Your husband is playing this game as well and maybe he has something to say to you because he keeps bringing up that you are accusing him of cheating and pushed him into it.

People believe that they need to stay in a marriage or relationship because they don't see themselves being capable to move away, but that's just a small hurdle to get over, because once they do they feel so much better.

There are many places where you can get help and the one I'm going to mention is Anglicare, they were fantastic with me and can provide housing for you while you settle down, plus they have counsellors, social workers and also for your kids is to contact Reachout, they counsel anyone under the age of 24.

You can't keep this happening.

Geoff.