A friend of mine has a family trait but luckily for him he didnt inherit it as he left home young whereas his siblings remained within the toxicity.
Whenever my friend has a disagreement with a family member its often relationship threatening, rarely is there a casual divide of opinions. But worse than that is, whenever he puts forward his views on a topic directly, out come the comparisons and such "weighing scale" mentality results in forever not having hope of a stable relationship. Eg
He forgot a BBQ event at his sisters place, due mainly that he had in-law issues, cancer, dementia etc. His sister- "I've never forgotten your BBQ's". He couldnt make it to a niece's basketball game. "(3 hours away and he'd already drove 500km that day for work) - "I attended your daughters engagement and I worked 2 jobs at the time" she'd say. Another- He visited his sister in hospital when she had pneumonia and while there he commented "I remember I never talked about my illnesses"
All these reactions are unfair because they hold a high degree of expectation. What's more they are his siblings expectations based on her values, her actions, her mind. Essentially she goes through life in a manner (with people) that if they do not carry out her values and actions then they are wrong and likely a conflict will follow. My message here is- with people that compare what they would do to your actions is a state of mind whereby-
- conflict will occur more often
- Acceptance of others as individuals is limited
- The weighing scale mentality is "turmoil for gamble"
- that it passes guilt onto others often when it is human error
- can be a type of control
- can be felt as emotional blackmail
Sadly the consequences can be high. My friend has considered breaking off all contact with his sister after decades of trying to live up to her demands. There is no stability and he can never do "right".
This is an example of unfair expectations based on the persons own ways they live their lives.
If we all had the same values and never had human error we'd be clones.
A sound long term relationship has elements of such acceptance, letting small things slide, promote caring and embracing personality.
TonyWK
