Compulsive Liar?

LizzieM5 · ‎05-10-2021

Hi everyone,

I'm in a new relationship after leaving a partnership/marriage of over 10 years due to emotional abuse/neglect.

We met online and hit it off immediately and have been spending the majority of time together ever since. He had also recently separated from his partner of over 20 years.

I noticed a few of his stories at the start sounded a bit 'out there', like I was like 'no way?! really?! etc.' but all with a smile on my face.

However I've noticed this pattern continue and have been unable to 'laugh it off'. I have asked him about this three time in the last two weeks. I keep offering him a safe space to tell me the truth. I've explained my feelings of uneasiness and that I feel I can't trust him. On one occasion he did admit telling lies, only to retract it the next day saying he only said that as he thought I would leave him (?!)

So, if I believe he lied about lying, he's actually telling the truth!! I'm so confused!

The lies aren't even about anything major, just embellishing really, although when I've really held him to his account it has been turned back on me ('so you don't trust me?', 'why are you doing this', 'I don't like it when you do X,Y,Z'.)

So I guess I'm seeking some guidance as to whether I'm being over-sensitive due to my recent past or are these legitimate concerns?

Sincerely, thank you.

HappyHelper88 · ‎05-10-2021

Hello Lizzie Thanks for your post and welcome

Im so glad that you were able to leave that relationship and I'm sorry you went through some abuse and neglect
In the past I've found it difficult meeting new people as they seem one way at the start and after a period of time more traits are revealed
There are many reasons why he's lying and I know u have offered him a safe space...ashamed, embarrassed, maybe he's worried what you may think of him and he really enjoys your company and does not want to jeopardise things
Its good that he admitted telling lies but at the same time maybe concerning that he's been dishonest

In my opinion I do not think you are being over sensitive as your feelings are valid and these are legitimate concerns
However it is difficult to tell and it is early on. Maybe consider that you are both affected by your past and everyone carries baggage and trauma...There is probably a good explanation why he is behaving like this and upon investigation you may discover why and what he's been through to make him act in this way

The best way is to have an open and honest discussion about what your feeling and why and explain your trauma so he understands you....in turn he may do the same thing and tell you his trauma and feelings
Communication is key, as is understanding each other

I hope this helps

LizzieM5 · ‎05-10-2021

Thank you, that was really useful advice and I appreciate your time to respond. 🙂

KK22 · ‎05-10-2021

Hey LizzieM5!

As above, I'm so happy to hear that you were able to leave your previous relationship! It really takes a lot of strength and self-awareness to do so after a long period of being with someone. 🙂

I also don't think you are being over-sensitive, as often these small lies about nothing can become bigger lies about bigger things later on, so your concern is definitely valid.

But yes, as it is early on... it could be as simple as him wanting to impress you or not wanting to appear a certain way etc.

I'd gauge it as you go, and just see if they continue to be lies about small things or if it does become more of a problem. Trust your instincts. 🙂

jaz28 · ‎05-10-2021

Hi there,

I believe these are legitimate concerns. Trust and honesty are essential for a loving and good relationship.

Be mindful of "gaslighting", a form of emotional abuse where your partner may make you question your reality and whether you are being over-sensitive. This article explains it more than I can: https://www.verywellmind.com/is-someone-gaslighting-you-4147470 - just something to be aware of 🙂

You have offered him a safe space and it is incredibly confusing for him to jump from truth to lie like this, you may never know what is actually true!

Trust your gut on this one, only you know your partner and relationship. But it sounds like you need to communicate more and attempt to "talk it out".

Stay happy,

Jaz.

geoff · ‎07-10-2021

Hello LizzieM5, I agree with what has been said and whether or not he had problems in his 20 year relationship with his partner that is now making him lie, is a concern, because when a new relationship begins trust between each other is naturally formed, but this can't happen if you don't know whether he's telling you the truth or it's a lie.

If it's going to be a long friendship, then you have to trust him with telling you the truth, otherwise, you will be let down many times.

Take care.

Geoff.

missep123 · ‎07-10-2021

Hi LizzieM5,

I think your feeling and emotions are completely valid. I have had a friend who used to compulsively lie in high school, even about trivial things about what she ate that night. It did concern me because I am someone who really values being honest so I found it confusing when someone could constantly lie. She has somewhat outgrown it now but there are still times when she will tell a story and I am just truly unsure if she is telling the truth.

I think it is really great that you were open about how you were feeling and that you brought it up. The reaction is very interesting, jaz28 mentioned gaslighting which I think may be important to consider. I have gotten 'gaslit' in the past but I didn't know it!

Please keep us updated, we are definitely here for you!

mmMekitty · ‎07-10-2021

Hello LizzieM5

Read through this again, slowly:

"However I've noticed this pattern continue and have been unable to 'laugh it off'. I have asked him about this three time in the last two weeks. I keep offering him a safe space to tell me the truth. I've explained my feelings of uneasiness and that I feel I can't trust him. On one occasion he did admit telling lies, only to retract it the next day saying he only said that as he thought I would leave him (?!)
So, if I believe he lied about lying, he's actually telling the truth!! I'm so confused!
The lies aren't even about anything major, just embellishing really, although when I've really held him to his account it has been turned back on me ('so you don't trust me?', 'why are you doing this', 'I don't like it when you do X,Y,Z'.)"

I think your own words spell it out clearly. How much of this looks a little familiar to the relationship you had previously? I'm just wondering, too, how much are you going to tolerate a man treating you disrespectfully? Is a little disrespect okay? You said, you are feeling confused now, what about a year from now? How much are you going to let a man manipulate your feelings?

I think you have a lot to think about. After being in previous the relationship, have you spoken to anyone about it? I mean, a therapist or counsellor? The repercussions of such relationships can mess with your head and heart, so 'relationship autopsy' could be of benefit to you, so, hopefully, you don't get yourself into another similar relationship. That would be a terrible tragedy.

Look after your precious self,

virtual hugs,

mmMekitty