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A question

running_girl
Community Member

Has anyone ever wanted to move out from living with their partner because of arguing/incompatibility but are just too tired to make the move?

I’m tired from being depressed about my situation and lack of options. I also don’t know if I should stick with the relationship even though it’s flawed.

12 Replies 12

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

Welcome running -girl to the votum and thanks for starting your thread.

I can relate to your question and I found continuing arguing, , putdowns. incompatibility and a relentless need to be right all the time, had such a way of ebbing away at my self esteem.

it took me over 8 years to eventually leave but in the end I felt that I worked too hard to have my mental health in a good place to have my partner undermine all my strong effort.

Only you know if it is worth staying.

I read a book

Too good to leave , Too bad to stay,

I would make lists of why leave or why stay and one day I had pages on leave list and only one on the stay list.

I would welcome you adding to the discussion.

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi running girl,

This was me several years ago, stuck in an abusive relationship and worn down so badly that I couldn’t feel as though I could do anything on my own. But I knew that I wanted peace and couldn’t keep living this way. So I spent a year building myself back up and distancing and dissociating myself from the situation. I started doing things for me, reconnecting with old friends, seeing my family more, doing things on my own and trying to avoid the fights, even if it meant just apologizing and taking the blame for things I didn’t do as I knew that would take away some of my fragile building confidence. I treated myself as a bucket and had to keep adding to it, doing well at my job, going to cafes on my own for brunch, everything I did was to make myself secure. And then after another nasty fight, I left. You need to start investing in yourself outside of this relationship. If you guys work out then no harm done in being a stronger version of yourself, and if you don’t then you will have had time to prepare. Not telling you what to do, but just telling you what worked for me.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Running_girl, to answer your question, yes, as did maintain for the real estates I knew the salesmen/women and property manager well, so I was very close to moving out, but the thought of having to move the bare minimum of furniture horrified me because I didn't have the strength nor the inclination.

I have tried to search your username in the bar above to get an indication of what you're trying to cope with, but couldn't see anything, I'm sorry, maybe I was doing something wrong and apologise as you've made 65 replies, please forgive me.

If you are able to give us a couple of lines telling us what you're struggling with, I would really appreciate it, and yes, I was too tired, exhausted and confused to do anything.

Please take care.

Geoff.

running_girl
Community Member

Dear Quirky, Juliet and Geoff,

Sorry that my reply is late. I appreciate your responses very much. They are very helpful in clarifying to me what is the most important factor - if a relationship is fundamentally not working or if it is abusive, it's time to leave even though it may be really difficult and throw up a whole bunch of other challenges (such as having nowhere suitable to live).

I am hopeful that my relationship is salvageable but I am realistic enough to know that it might not be in the long run. Once we were both calm, I told my partner that I would leave him if he spoke to me again in ways which were cruel or belittling. He has apologised and things have gone back to normal on the surface though I still feel unsettled and unsure.

I am waiting and seeing for now but I wanted you each to know how helpful your support and advice has been. It made me feel not so alone, and sadly I can see that this kind of flawed relationship dynamic is all too common 😞

Running Girl

Hi running girl,

I think it was really great that you felt strong enough to set boundaries with your partner, and that you won’t tolerate cruel or belittling language or behaviour. Some people have very unhealthy conflict resolution styles so it’s good for him to know where your boundaries are. I also really liked your statement “I am hopeful that my relationship is salvageable but I am realistic enough to know that it might not be in the long run”. I think that is a realistic and really mature way of looking at the situation at the moment and that way you can be prepared for whatever you ultimately decide based on how he responds/reacts. I think it’s perfectly normal to feel unsettled and unsure still as ultimately time will tell whether his behaviour changes or stays the same. Hopefully you are both able to put the work in and get past these speed bumps. If you don’t mind me asking, is there anything in particular that you seem to fight about the most or any recurring issues? Just trying to see whether there are any underlying patterns to it

Hello Running_girl, as Juliet has said thanks for getting back to us.

Unfortunately, too many times have I seen relationships try and stay together with the promise that the abusive partner lays claim that they won't behave like that again, and yes it may happen for a few days/weeks or even months, but something will trigger them to change, even just a small event or from what you have said, that suddenly changes them back to how they were, this is not what you want to happen.

Trust and expectation are very important and if there is any doubt in your mind that you aren't able to have your say without any adverse behaviour, then it's time to look after yourself and be free.

Take care.

Geoff.

Hi Juliet,

Thank you for your continued support and advice. I really do appreciate it.

In answer to your question, the volatility seems to happen mainly on the weekends. We have just moved into a new house (his house) and my partner has thrown himself into working on the house and garden. When we work together, he loses his temper because he thinks my help isn’t adequate (but it’s not clear to me why and it really feels like he's just nit picking for the sake of it).

If I work on my own to avoid a confrontation, he still loses his temper because he thinks the work I’m doing is unnecessary (e.g., housework like cleaning the bathroom, changing the sheets, etc.) and I should be helping him instead. He is used to being in charge and having a lot of control over his environment. But it’s a shared environment as I’m there too and it is at times quite stifling.

Even things like me turning on the wrong light switch can trigger his temper and turn into an argument. I am always reduced to tears by these outbursts and that just triggers his anger even more. It all seems so trivial and unnecessary.

Lately, every Saturday morning upon waking, I can sense his bad mood brewing and it really doesn’t matter what I do, he ultimately loses his temper.

While I made it clear last Sunday that I would leave if it happened again and while he apologised and told me he knows it’s wrong, I don’t think it’s a behaviour he can switch off just like that. I will wait and see what happens. There is real substance to this relationship despite this problem. But I’m not prepared to live with my heart in my mouth every weekend because he has anger control issues.

I know there are far worse things that people contend with in their relationships, but I’m in my mid 40s now, I have already been married and divorced and I just want a peaceful life as much as that is possible. I’m not scared to be single but I wish I had the option of having a home of my own if this relationship fails. As it is, even though I work full time, I would have no choice but to move in with my mother which I know she would welcome but for me, that’s a whole other can of worms.

Thanks again for listening

Running Girl

Thank you Geoff. What you say is true and it helps to hear it from someone who is an objective bystander to my situation. I do usually leave things unsaid in order to avoid a confrontation but as you've pointed out, that's neither a healthy nor happy way to live. I will really try from now on to voice things that I think need to be said and be prepared that it may result in a situation where I have to leave.

I wish it were different but it is what it is. I really appreciate you sharing your advice and support.

Running Girl

Running girl,

What you describe sounds very similar to my last relationship. The feeling of having to walk on eggshells to avoid setting him off but in reality the goal posts keep shifting and so you’re always a little off balance. I was young so figured that if I could just do everything and try and avoid setting him off, then we could have a peaceful life, and that’s exactly where he wants you, constantly focused on him and his needs. Unfortunately the issue is deep-seated within him but he will see the issue as being with you, if you just did X then he wouldn’t react the way he does etc. Out of interest is your partner ever jealous? Would you consider him to be insecure? How long have you been together for?

My ex-partner would be like this at times but then at other times he would be incredibly caring and considerate and funny and the love of my life. That was the soul-destroying part, that my best friend could suddenly switch and treat me so badly. It was almost like he was two people. It was incredibly hurtful at best and at worst, completely soul-destroying. There is a free e-book online (https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) called “why does he do that? Inside the mind of angry and controlling men”. When I read it, it was like an Aha moment and felt like the first time that everything made sense. I highly recommend that you read it and see whether any of it sounds familiar. In the meantime, we’re always here for a chat 😊