Complicated

[Mytk1921]

I'm married & have been for 13 years now.

My personality -quiet type, home body, loyal to my partner, full of emotions & can be sensitive.

Husband -Outgoing, has many friends, can be quite cold, loves attention.

There's been a few scenarios where we would argue about my partner & getting involved with other women. He says I am being too sensitive, he could be right, but my gut instincts tell me otherwise.

I doubt myself - as in maybe, as these things keep happening, I'm becoming more and more sensitive to the point I am insecure.

Eg: he'd receive an SMS 'I wish you were here swimming with me'

Or receiving SMS from girls at like 12am sharp wishing him a happy birthday.

There was a moment we went camping with his friend & the wife,couple date. Got drunk to the point everyone passed out except my husband who kept hugging the wife & said she's his (as a joke), giving her cheek kisses, spooning her etc. I get they're all highschool friends but felt wrong. Especially being drunk.. 

I confronted him the next day about it & he apologized.

Years go by & we all catch up again, this time, at theirs. Once again we get drunk, I was about to sleep but when I noticed hubby wasn't sleeping next to me, I walked out to find he was ontop of her, nothing physically happened but it almost looked like things were getting there.

There were a few other things that had happened which I cannot find normal, however I feel these actions have accrued & is making me drown in disappointment.

I almost don't know myself anymore; I am unsure if I still love my husband, who is also the father to our two boys.

Recently, we rented our spare bedroom to a young male who has now been living with us for two weeks.

I have to admit, him & I would talk about things that have a similar interest & we got quite close. He's 9 years younger than me & had recently broken up with his girlfriend so our conversation was almost counselling. 

Hubby sleeps early every night due to early work commitments so there was a time where hubby and the kids went to bed & it was just the sharemate & I.

We had a few drinks & talked for four hours late at night. Hubby would walk in & ask what we're doing.. confused with the situation.

Few days later, again, us two would be left talking late at night etc. Hubby wasn't happy, he cracked it at me saying the boys keen. I enjoyed his company I won't lie but I couldn't help but stick up for the guy. Should I keep my distance? I think the boy knows why hubby & I argued, he looks cautious. 

[Mytk1921]

Continuing on from my previous post - So hubby & I rented out one of our bedrooms to a young male professional. He broke up with his girlfriend a few weeks ago so quite broken.

Hubby goes to bed early for next morning work commitments so our flatmate & I would grab a beer & chat on the sofa, talking about his relationship etc. We ended up talking for like 4 hrs that night. He's 9 years younger than me so my advice etc I think helped.

We got pretty close, chat on insta, chat on whatsapp etc. 

The other night, again, hubby goes to bed & us two are left talking about anything for about two hours until hubby walks in & asks what we're doing.

The next day, hubby cracks it at me.. saying these late night chats are not right & he's got a thing for me.. It makes me wonder if he does - I kept saying it is not possible but our flatmate did say some things that made hubby think - eg: flatmate would say things like - I want to date an older woman now, someone up to 10 years older is fine etc. Or that his ex was immature & they just did not click. Though him & I would talk for hours... My instincts also tell me he'd let out subtle touches naturally, the eye contact etc. Now makes me think it might be true.

It is now complicated in the house. 

After arguing about him with my hubby, I feel he now knows what happened. That hubby isn't happy. I joked & said we had an argument & he straight away says 'I know' - I think he knows we argued about him.. He seems to keep a distance now but hubby & I are still broken from various things other than just this.. Not sure how to handle this situation or if I need to step back from everything & let things settle. Since it is all happening in the house, it is hard to escape the situation.

[therising]

Hi Mytk1921

Being sensitive definitely comes with a whole variety of challenges, that's for sure. I've found it helps, for a start, to define what it really means to be sensitive. Kinda helps put things into a much clearer perspective. The ability to sense = sensitivity. So then the question can become 'What am I sensing here?' or 'What am I becoming sensitive to?'. For example, when it comes to your husband's behaviour, sounds like what you're sensing is inappropriate behaviour. I think most people in a monogamous relationship would agree it's inappropriate behaviour, to be physically fooling around with another person, especially in front of us. Whether the fooling around is about ill intention or simply attention seeking is another thing. Something else you could say you're sensing is his lack of self control when he drinks. You could perhaps say his drinking is a part of the problem. Perhaps another thing to question, in regard to what you could be sensing, is 'Is he too emotionally switched off when it comes to my feelings or how I feel?'. Could always ask him 'Why are you not more switched on to how I feel?'.

When it comes to the guy staying with you, sounds like your husband's sensing what he feels as a threat. He possibly is sensing the guy's intentions towards you. Completely understandable as to why you appear so attractive to this guy. You're possibly his guiding light through what may feel like a dark or darkish time in his life. Guiding lights can be very attractive people. A beautiful caring open minded sensitive person can be intensely attractive. Perhaps it's about giving off the right vibes to him and your husband, setting boundaries that are obvious to everyone. So, what would the right vibes feel like for you? Maybe sitting separately in armchairs in the loungeroom, as opposed to sitting together on the couch. Creating a cut off time that doesn't go into the early hours of the morning. Maybe drinking something other than alcohol. Not sure. Entirely up to you. At the same time, you don't want to go depriving yourself of good relaxed conversation, making it all feel completely sterile and uncomfortable. I think it's a matter of finding a good balance.

This could turn out to be the perfect opportunity for you, when it comes to addressing your husband's flirty attention seeking ways. I think if I was in your boat, I'd be saying to my husband of 20 something years 'Now that you can sense what feels uncomfortable, between your spouse and someone else, you must know how I feel. You can now feel how I feel at times. How does that feel for you and how are you going to change your behaviour while expecting me to change mine?'. If my husband was to say 'But that's different', my response would possibly be 'Dude, you're seriously missing the lesson here' 😊.

You're a beautiful caring deeply sensitive person and that is in no way your fault. Be proud of your sensitivity, as opposed to seeing it as a fault. I've found learning to get a better feel for things or sense of things (mastering sensitivity, as opposed to suppressing it) can lead to far less self doubt.

[Mytk1921]

Thank you so much Therising ♡ your response has made me feel so much better about myself... thank you 

[Mytk1921]

After another long & meaningful conversation with hubby, he understands & is trying hard to make me feel the way I used to about him - loving, caring & respect.

Though, my feelings have changed & I was able to tell him the truth yesterday.

That, I feel numb to the point that I do not know if I still have feelings for you.. the amount of damage caused has closed my heart for you & I do not feel anything.. that the time spent with the flatmate actually was nice & I felt a sense of peace.

He asked what I wanted, if I need time away from him. Or if I prefer to end the relationship..

I said I don't know.. that my mind & heart are going separate ways.. so I asked we take things slow, let me wind down & to give me time to figure myself out.

He was happy to do what I wanted - but said I cannot drink in the lounge room or anything... that he prefers I stay in the bedroom (avoiding the flatmate) when he is sleeping.. I immediately said no & that he cannot control me like that. 

I am in a position of ' I do not know what I feel, what I want, what I should do ' 

I know I am broken now, finally come to realise myself in that aspect - that I am torn emotionally & my feelings for hubby is not the same as it used to. I used to rage in anger if these unacceptable behaviours arose. But as time went by, I think the disappointment grew to the point I was just upset & teary - now numb.

If this is going to continue impacting our relationship - I do not know if it will be a healthy one.. but thinking about the kids, our family etc.. there's so much more to it than my feelings - reality kicks in each time I feel like escaping.

[randomxx]

Well , sorry but all this sensitivity stuff is just sugar coating the real.

You know damn well your now thinking about the flatmate. And you said no to your h for the very things you wanted him to stop doing. You know the flat mate is leading in the same direction you were worried about with h and the woman.But now your doing the same thing and don't want it to stop.

Sorry to be blunt but these scenarios usually play out the same old, and you know how that goes. Actually l just finished saying the same in another almost identical thread the other day.

[therising]

Hi Mytk1921

I think it's not until we can make better sense of what it is we're feeling that things become a little clearer. I can relate to the numb feeling you speak of and have definitely found it comes as a kind of side effect of ongoing disappointment.

Redefining 'disappointment' helped me make better sense of my feelings within my marriage. It's kind of like 'If I appoint you the role of he who feels for me and you disappoint yourself from that role in a variety of ways time and time again, I no longer appoint you that role. I officially dis-appoint you from that role'. 'If I appoint you the role of he who raises me when I feel really down or  depressed and you disappoint yourself from that role in a variety of ways time and time again, I no longer appoint you that role. I officially disappoint you from that role'. So on and so on. Then it gets to a point where there are only a few roles left that our partner is willing to fill, compared to all those roles we once wished they'd fill. It's like 'I cannot feel you in the role of the romantic, the adventurer who sweeps me off my feet, my partner who rises to challenge with me, the goal setter who leads me to see exciting visions of the future and so on. All I'm left feeling is next to nothing'. 'Numb' is the feeling of next to nothing or no thing and there can be so much resentment in that, being left feeling nothing or next to nothing.

I've found the interesting and surprising thing about that disappointment process is how independent we become through it, having to set goals on our own, seek excitement on our own, analyse the hell out of challenges on our own and so on. I think the saddest part about all that is the revelation that sums it all up and that is 'You have led me to have to find ways to live without you, without your support, through no choice of my own'. The thing is it's a liberating revelation at the same time. So when we ask the question toward the end of a relationship 'How can I live without him?' the answer can be 'We're already most of the way there'.

I should add, in the hope of saving such a marriage (one I can relate to), I think the way comes down to all the new appointments our partner needs to start finding and filling. It's easy to redevelop an attraction for someone who is fully committed to bringing us and the relationship back to life. Such an attraction can be felt. Of course, short lived efforts on the part of our partner can also be felt.

[Mytk1921]

Thank you for your ongoing support & advice.. 

I confronted my husband & told him how I truly feel...

After being able to think through the times we had spent, the things we'd built together & the feelings I felt, the pain took over, closed my heart towards my husband & now I feel no love for my husband. I do not feel for him as a man anymore. I've lost my trust towards my husband.. I had always thought my husband would be my one & only, someone who would understand & listen if I needed to speak my thoughts, but every time I raised a concern about his actions, I was shut down.

I think these things built up inside of me over time, now my heart has closed for him, possibly a reaction to protect myself & my soul. 

I think I'm going through an anxious moment of what to do.. depression is there I can sense it.. Even after confronting him, he still wants to make things work. Says he will change. That he did not know how much his past actions impacted me. That he feels horrible. That he does not want to lose me & he'll work harder for us to keep this family. But I do not know if I want that anymore, to be hurt again, if I'll ever trust him again, if I'll ever open up to him again. Even if I do open up & love him how I used to, I feel another repetition will be to follow.

He then started saying that if we split, everything we had built so far will all fall apart, our parents will be devasted, we will be left with nothing & the pain will be dearer. 

I know... our children... our home... our family that we built over the past will all tumble & fall. All because of my 'feelings' towards him... is it something that will pass? Will I heal? Will I trust him again? My current feelings & instincts tell me I want to leave, want to be free from all this misery... but reality is something so much more... I dont know what to do... Its so hard.

[therising]

Hi Mytk1921

It can be so hard, knowing exactly what to do, especially when those moments of doubt come up. The inner dialogue can be a shocker. I've found going 'round and 'round in circles/cycles tends to create habits, such as the habit of forgiving to some degree, the habit of trying to make things work, the habit of convincing myself this time will be different. There was a part of me that eventually came to life through one of the cycles, virtually screaming 'Are you stupid?! Have you not learned? Think about all the times he said he'd try harder and then fell back into old ways. Why don't you just go bash your head against a brick wall, it'd be far less painful'. I think that's some sort of protector in me or some part of me that's trying to lead me to live a different kind of life. Then when I'd think 'But this time it could be different. Maybe this time the changes he makes will really take' I'd visualise that sensible part of me (if it was a person), shaking it's head, rolling its eyes and then smacking its forehead in complete disbelief and frustration 😁.

Because I tend to meditate on challenges and simply see what comes to mind from out of the blue, one time when I did this the most unusual thing came to mind. While I threw out the question 'What do I need to do in order to fix this?', what came to mind was 'Don't fix anything, simply sit back and observe his behaviour (my husband's behaviour)'. So, that was exactly what I did. As an observer, I became a lot more conscious. Through such a rise in consciousness or awareness, I began to wonder more. And through developing a sense of wonder, I began to question more. Then I began to question out loud and what I discovered surprised me and frustrated me. 'Why do you do that?' would often be met with 'I don't know'. 'Why would you say that?' would often be met with 'I don't know' etc etc. Eventually I said 'It's your job to know. If you have no desire to become more conscious, this relationship will never change. How can you change things within yourself which you have no desire to become more conscious of?'. I think that's the deal breaker, no desire to wake up in ways that are meaningful, ways that are going to serve the relationship. Staying asleep takes no great effort. All it typically takes is 'I don't want to think/talk about it'. I've found the most liberating thought to be 'I'm not phased, I'll just continue waking up and see what happens in the process'. ❤️

[tranzcrybe]

Husband seems to take you for granted, but from your description he has always been this way with friends.
Over time he has become a little too adventurous and treading (if not crossing) that line of acceptable behaviour.

You are within your rights to raise concerns, but at the same time your husband appears not to have kept anything from you about his conduct (well, when sober anyway), although never attempting to abate it for your sake.

Truly discerning the love you may or may not have for each other would be best handled with clear (and cooler) heads.
A trial separation, ideally free from other incentives or misdirection, might give you the space for you both to reflect on where the relationship has gone off the rails (and that could go back further than the trigger) - where the discontentment started, and the communication process that failed.

'Returning' to how you felt before is implausible; but acknowledging miscommunication, fallibility/ego, and the roles you both play in not expressing enough the love you felt prior to ensure complete trust, may shed light on any future determinations.

Staying together for financial reasons, or simply to save face/upset with the family, I would dismiss instantly.