Can I Trust Again? Please Help!

[Mark h]

Good morning everyone

I have posted a few different discussions on this forum over the years, but I am really stuck with a situation right now that I have been trying to solve myself but with no clear outcome. I am hoping that you will be able to help me.

I met a new lady in my life two years go. I am now 52 and couldn't believe that love came back into my life after a 20 year marriage breakdown. We started dating, things moved quickly and before we knew it, we were engaged to be married. It was all a fairy tale but then cracks started appearing.

My partner started being quite negative. It only took a small problem to run into large ones. I was being accused of saying or thinking things I simply wasn't. In 2023, my partner decided she wanted to sell her family home and move in with me. As it had only been 14 months, myself and her entire family including her two kids told her not to do that. I suggested renting her property out for 12 months so that she would benefit from income whilst at the same time seeing if we could live together. That was ignored. She sold the property anyway and then moved into my home.

Once here, the problems really started getting worse. My partner was suffering from Menopause and the swings in mood were quite difficult to take at times. I suggested she see someone for this which she did after a lot of persuasion and she then went onto HRT which helped a little. I felt that I couldn't do anything right. I would cook, clean, makes sure she had everything she wanted but I was being told constantly that I wasn't enough. I don't cope well with conflict, I am a people pleaser which I know has negative conotations associated but I like to make sure the people that surround me are respected and loved.

My 18 year old son who lives with me here 4 days a week has high social anxiety issues and I was constantly told that he should get out more, meet new friends, that I shouldn't be his support for fun and company. He is my world, that really upset me and it was ongoing.

My partner moved out three weeks ago. I read messages on her phone (she gave me the phone to look at) where she has really belittled me to her family. She wants to get back together and when she is good, she is amazing. When she is bad, it's the polar opposite.

I need advice. Help me.

Mark

[One_More_Day]

Hi Mark,

Relationships rarely work when a partnership turns into a carer dynamic whereby one person sees the other as their saviour/carer, not partner. Not sure this is the case but some research will help you determine this. 

You are engaged but her selling the house to move in with you wasn't a good idea? Because it was quick? Maybe try again at arms length, take things a bit slower. But now she doesn't have a house...yikes. And people pleasers...hmmm. Everyone loves them, especially other women. Is there a jealousy issue?

I've seen medicinal cannabis help people struggling with mood and menopause. Perhaps get her to try it out. Heaps of people use it now. If the relationship is worth saving, it could be worth trying. 

Having a plan helps too. A future you map out together. You've come this far. I know how hard it is dealing with someone with mood/peronsonality changes. Maybe there's something undiagnosed, but largely, imbalances of power, control, behaviours, communication all contribute. It's a two-way street. 

Thanks for sharing and openly discussing your situation. Not sure I've been much support but others here certainly will help you get through. 

OMD.