sister-in-law problems

[Chihiro]

I've been married for just over two years now and I am having issues with my husbands sister.

I've been with my partner 10 years in total and when I first met his sister she was so nice to me, we'd spend so much time together we were super close. Then one day when my now husband proposed to me and we got engaged that all changed. His sister became quite distant and she started treating me differently. She doesn't want to communicate with me as much, bother to ask how I am doing, she always seems disinterested in me, I feel like we are enemy's sometimes. At our engagement party she never even spoke to me and left the party early - didn't want to celebrate. The same happened at my hens party when she arrived she didn't even speak to me at all and all she wanted to do was go to my husbands bachelor party to see what he was up to. There are a lot more examples than this just to name a few...

When my husband lived at home with his sister, his sister would constantly text him all the time (even when he was on holiday with me), buy lunches/dinners for him, organise his birthday, holidays for them, and I feel like since I got married to her brother maybe his sister feels as if i'm taking her brother away from her. This situation is making it so awkward and upsetting for me. What really hurts the most is that I used to be so close with his sister and now its like we were never friends.

How can I improve my relationship with sister?

[Croix]

Dear Chihiro~

Welcome here to the forum, a useful move as you may look around and see how others have coped in similar situations.

From your description it's quite possible you are right. Your huband and his sister were close on a daily basis, and her attitude seemed to change when you became engaged. So maybe she does feel you are taking him away from her, which I guess to some degree is correct in effect, though not in intent.

It realy is a three person problem, you, your SIL and your husband. For a start have you talked it over with  both of them . Has your husband talked to her? If so what was the result?

One good thing is you used to be friends, it is not as if it is someone you dislike, so by trying to repair things you are not forced to deal with someone you don't want to have in your life.

Telling her you miss the relationship between the two of you might be constructive. Your husband may be able to give her some reassurance, and maybe by including her in some of the things you do together that might help too

It is however important to remember it is her problem, and after you have taken what reasonable steps you can if things do not improve you may have to let it go and not associate wiht her as much. A pity but she is the one with adverse feelings, and you may not be able to change them. I would hope it would not drive a wedge between you and you husband if he feels divided loyalties, after all you should be the most important person in his life.

If you would like to come back here that would be great

Croix

[Aria87]

Hello!!
How you feel is 100% okay.

My SIL did the same thing, to the point my husband and i would be spending time together on the couch and he would be getting texts like he had a new girlfriend (LOL). I laugh now, but SOME sisters who were brought up in particular ways do feel like that their brothers are theirs forever and only they can have their relationship etc. I dont feel this way, at all. But i do know my SIL is a stage 10 clinger. I have voiced how i feel about it to my husband, but at the same t ime its still his sister... so sometimes it doesnt get anywhere.

Dont get upset, just be happy and do your best, you dont HAVE to be friends with any in law. And thats so okay!

[KindnessWithin]

It sounds really awful and I feel you have shown a lot of resilience and strength.

I am in the same boat with my sister having been close to me (I’m female) and my husband (her BIL) having to put up with her poor behaviour and it has been like that for over a decade. I used to wonder why endlessly and only lately I came to the answer of who cares! I have better things to think about (like my daughter) and not toxic siblings. It takes heaps of time and emotional energy to move forward so make sure you always put yourself first in how you are feeling. Enough with thinking of others all the time. You make sure you are okay first.

It’s her loss. The spouse comes first, not toxic siblings.

[Aria87]

Hi,

I find myself back here, triggered (but not as angry this time after all your replies).

My SIL, had plans with my husband to go to an event. My husband doesnt like last minute arrangements so he had respectfully pulled the pin on going, offered to pay his ticket and all due to the laziness of SIL's boyfriend organizing. This indirectly made me happy, as i was NOT part of going in the first place, so it made my SIL realize im not really the issue to all her complaining, which brought me here in the first time 🙂 Anyway, i woke up to see a FB post from her on her page stating they are trying to sell the spare tickets, and amongst that she shares my husband ex girlfriends beauty page, bragging how amazing it is and things.
I dont understand why? Why she continues to share and communicate with her and she knows im on FB myself, and im sure to see it. Is this a test? will i complain to my husband to give her an excuse to say something when shes actually mad about something else, or even my husband for that matter as he doesnt want to go with them anymore? My SIL has the issue if anyone talks to her ex husband yet she does her part to talk to exes?

My husbands ex girlfriend, when we first started dating used to contact him A L O T! which is NOT normal. at the time, it looked like i was the crazy new girlfriend, however EX's are an ex for a reason.. in which, my husband now understand and has adjusted to this and cut that off veryyyy early. His sister however, talks to her behind all our backs, spends time with her etc. and doesnt share that with my husband, as she knows, its wrong.  Im not sure why, but she does my head in, and the more she acts like this the more i emotionally remove her from me. I once brought this up with my husband, in which he said he doesnt care, which he doesnt as he gives zero care about his ex, which is nice BUT im here, to see if any of you agree, or not, and have any feedback?
thanks as always! xxx

[Croix]

Dear Aria87~

Form your description it would seem your SIL wants to put you down and at hte same time have a close relationship wiht her brother, not realizing that one does not stop the other.

Pointing out his ex's FP page and singing her praised I guess is an attempt to put you down and maybe even encourage him to return to her as she is friendly wiht her. It simply does not make sense, but jealously rarely does.

I'm glad your husband cut off communication wiht his ex, but I"m not sure I understand what you say about him not caring -does he care about you? -If so that is the only really important thing.

We do not chose our in-laws and as your SIL is "doing your head in" I'd think as much distance from her as possible would be very sensible.

I"m always in two minds about FB, on hte one hand it can be an easy way of keeping in touch with thou=se you want, but equally allows for others who are toxic to ruin you well-being. It is not enough to black them as they still have their accounts and can continue to say what they like to others  you know.

I don't have solution, and as a result do not use FB, or other similar media. Frankly I don't miss it.

Croix

[Aria87]

Hi!

Yes, sorry to confuse you, of course my husband cares about me.

He doesnt care about the drama, facebook, his ex, doesnt care who talks to who, so long as it doesnt get to him. My husband is a good influence when it comes to trying to care less on the unimportant things for me.

But he doesnt "see" what i see all the time. 

I totally agree, it doesnt make sense.. i know my SIL is not 100% happy in her life, she tries to show it, but she isnt. Its like me, sharing her ex husbands page and talking to him on FB and she sees it.

There is alot she has had to learn when i was first dating my husband.. she never grew up in a normal relationship, as it was arranged etc. So what she learnt, she assumed was my fault.. however now she is separated with a new boyfriend and now gets it. But its like she tries to proove a point.. distance is the best.

My husband sometimes states he wished her and i were closer, but i remind my husband it cant be the case especially when she complained to my husband about me, that showed her true colours.

Best part, my husband told her that he would tell me her words, in which she replied ""if i knew you wre going to tell her, i wouldnt have told you" so my husband put his foot down with her there she its clear she knew where she stood. I moved on, but i cant forget... and as paranoid as she was after that, i still acted cool, maybe she thinks i wasnt told, but i know. and shame on her.

[One_More_Day]

Chihiro,

These are your SIL's behaviours. Don't take on other people's monkeys. Enjoy your relationship with your husband and acknowledge the actions of your SIL are not yours nor your husbands and don't have anything to do with either of you. She is the one adapting and will. Just leave her be and continue with the friendship you shared. 

We can find issue with all things and family are the closest targets we have. Just let it be and enjoy having a family. Whenever anything starts getting a bit murky, just smile and find something else to do like cooking, gardening, reading a book, putting on some music and dancing with your beloved.

Make your world the way you want it and let everyone manage their own. You SIL may be feeling left on the shelf as well, everyone but her getting married...silly but you just don't know what's really going on with people. Try not to take it personally. Why don't you ask her out for lunch and see how's she's doing?

OMD.

[One_More_Day]

Ooops, sorry, just saw the date stamp on this. Any improvements Chihiro?