My drinking addiction

[James33]

Hi. Me and my partner have been together for 9 years have two beautiful kids and last few years iv been depressed because if money issues I work full time but seem to always be stuck in same place and this monday I got drunk with mates and went home. I was so drunk I lost it and went off my partner was so scared she called the cops. Thank God my kids where asleep. I am now on the brink of losing my partner and my kids because as partner said she's never seen that person before and she was scared for the first time of me. I hurt so bad now I can't even look in the mirror. I really need help stoping rhe addition so I don't lose myself. Any advice or just a chat would be si appreciated. Many thanks

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Let's briefly talk about consequences, but only briefly as I dont want to sound like I'm giving a lecture. Possible loss of-

• Drivers licence
• Job
• Wife
• Access to your kids or limited access
• So loss of full time fatherhood (been there, it isnt fun)
• Loss of your home
• Loss of self esteem and respect from others
• Your kids loss of their full time dad or no dad if violence occurs
• Loss of 27% of your GROSS wage to child support which means not enough money to buy a house etc I was lucky, I built my own house with a kit home

And if some of these things happen, I will safely guess that you will be so overwhelmed that you'll take action- and drink more and so the spiral begins.

In 1996 after separating from my ex and mother of our kids (no drink involved) I lived in a caravan park for 8 months. I noticed many residents were separated/divorced men and they would be there forever, yet I was gone in 8 months and built my own home. Most were drinkers and they would congregate in the billiard room and - drink.

I think also your age a guess at over 30yo with wife and kids, you havent shaken off the night with the boys ritual. Mates are great to have but as a group I find it a big distraction to family life. I also know that mates are good, real mates are few and far between. Might be an idea to make the choice of family life and mates, a choice that should have been made upon the birth of your first born.

OK, I have had 5 people known to me that attended AA. All 5 have been in remission from 10 to 28 years. One became a social worker, another a motivational speaker. The MS starts his lectures with "Hi I'm Peter and I'm an alcoholic although I havent had one sip for 22 years, I'm proud and I will not let it beat me.

Being 100% honest and open is a pledge you can give your wife. You can show her this post. You can pledge to seek AA and anger management appointments, you can change your rituals and allow mates to visit for a bbq and 2 stubbies or chat but not "drinking sessions". This change of routine will lead to far less drinking and never being drunk which is the reason why you weren't yourself, a good reason but you can own it.

I think your prospects a good, you havent lost your license, job, wife or kids... you might have well missed a you know what.

Reconciliation with your wife might be difficult but  if you make some appointments, counsellors, therapy, AA, GP etc then you have a chance. 

Finally, at 17yo I joined the RAAF and by 18 I was drunk regularly by 20yo I chose to leave. I havent been drunk since... I'm 68yo. Mates, lots of laughter,... fun... if under 20yo. leave it behind mate.

All the best

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi James33

While I think alcohol can bring out the worst in us at times, it can also suppress the best in us. So it works in a twofold way on occasion, making things doubly bad. Kinda like if it starts to free the ranting maniac in us that's out for a major vent, the sage in us isn't there to insist 'Don't say anything you might regret'. When becoming more conscious the next day (sobering up), there are facets of us that are going to lead us to greater consciousness. The people pleaser in us might insist 'You've caused so much upset', our inner sage might insist 'You need to do whatever it takes to repair things' and/or the harsh and brutal inner critic may convince us 'You are hopeless, you're horrible. You're so destructive'. Waking up in a number of ways can become so tormenting. Being a gal who's an ex drinker, I know how incredibly depressing drinking can become for a whole variety of reasons.

Sounds like you've been trying to tolerate so much stress and discontent for a while, with it having built up maybe to a degree you weren't fully conscious of until the alcohol fueled vent happened. I imagine your partner wasn't fully conscious of how seriously intense things were becoming either. I think sometimes we can shock our self and the people around us and all we can really do, for a start, is become completely honest in thoughtful ways. For example, 'I am truly shocked to find I had that part of me in me. I had no idea I could become so completely out of control. I know it was the alcohol that led me to lose control and seeing I never want us to meet with that part of me ever again, I have to address the drinking. What happened has shocked me awake, fully woken me up. I'm full of so much remorse regarding the distress and pain I've caused you. I realise I've been drinking because I've become significantly depressed, something I haven't fully admitted before. I need help'. Something along those lines.

Personally, I drank a large part of my way through long term depression in my earlier years. While I still face periods in depression on occasion, being a non drinker means I'm able to be more conscious of why I'm depressed as well as being able to develop new skills in managing what's depressing. Alcohol used to be my emotional regulator. To find 'happiness', as opposed to depression, I'd drink. A sense of peace (less stress), I'd drink. More excitement in life and less boredom, I'd drink. To manage social anxiety, I'd drink and on it goes. While I was drinking, I never learned the skills needed to naturally find 'happiness', a sense of peace, more excitement, social ease etc.

A new path, greater consciousness, genuine remorse, a different lifestyle (style of living, without alcohol as a major factor), growth to look forward to and more. I hope your partner is able move forward with you, while giving you some sense of release from what happened, this event you regret so incredibly deeply. I hope you come to forgive yourself as you take the first step on your path.