Help leaving husband

[lonelyloz]

Hi all, I have finally made the decision to leave my husband after being together for 22 years and 4 kids. We have had issues for a long time which he refuses to seek help for and he put me through hell last year when I asked for a separation to see if we would be happier. A side of him came

out that I have never seen before and the venom in his voice and way he spoke to me was awful. He kept telling me to “get a f$&!ing job” and stop sponging off him (we had 4 kids in 5 years and I have attempted to work and study many times and the family has fallen apart as he hasn’t picked up the slack at all and I was even hospitalized for getting so sick doing everything) he threatened to close our accounts and leave me without money, threatened the kids against me, abused and said violent things about me to his sister via text and then wouldn’t let me leave the house for even a night to escape. I was in severe depression and suicide watch at the time (I had told him this and showed him all my psychologist notes) but he took no notice and eventually one night I tried to end my own life as I felt so trapped (not blaming him for that but it was just another straw) we saw a counsellor for a few months be he slowly lost interest and the troublesome behaviour continued.  He is constantly angry, stressed and aggressive unless he drinks. Tensions are rising again between us and I’m terrified he will turn in to the monster he was last year again. We haven’t been able to claim Centrelink for years because he never gives me the details they need and hasn’t done a tax return for years so now we have a debt! I’ve been looking for a job for years and I know I won’t get (or want) anything from him but i need to leave and soon. Does anyone know of any loans,  assistance I can get from Centrelink or public housing etc (my children identify as indigenous but I don’t) I’ve been trying to call Centrelink for weeks and can’t get through! Any help would much appreciated

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Sweet Lonelyloz, I feel for you, if I havent all the answers others hopefully will chime in as we have an enormous wealth of support here.

Your story justifies a direct answer so I'm going to try that.

Often a partner attends a police station to obtain a court order to prevent their spouse from being within 200 metres of the home, phone calls, texts etc to you. This would be beneficial and justified due to his recent history of DV and your mental health episode that would be documented. That way also you and the kids can remain in your home. Once this happens try to get a friend to stay with you for a few days/weeks to ensure he doesnt turn up because, court order or not, they can breach it.

The day you separate from him and no longer (even earlier)- open a bank account in your name only. Contact Centrelink to make a claim for a single parent pension and use your new account number. Centrelink are about to employ 3000 more staff to  answer phones, be persistent. Even so, your payments might take up to 3 months to arrive. Discuss this with Centrelink and human services. In fact ring human services for a home visit to discuss the kids etc. Also on the day of separation ring child support and make a claim for that. Any delay they will not pay you for days before you claim.

Separating with 4 kids will be testing in regards to the fear and the kids visitations with your spouse.  These could be regulated, talk to human services. There are horror cases where the other parent has refused to hand the child back so be prepared for the worst but it could be ok.

Throughout the next year or two until things settle down it will be a challenge but remember, this is not your fault and his behaviour is intolerable for anyone. Be patient, keep your emotions behind closed doors as your kids will feel the pain also. Kids are resilient and will adapt better than you will.

Your husband is not a person you can sit down and plan a separation hence you must take step to secure your home for your kids and keep their stability there. 

I hope I've helped. You are a wonderful mother that needs to be firm on him to secure your new life.

"Sometimes our backs are against the wall... better to turn around and let them face your back..."

TonyWK

[lonelyloz]

Thank you so much for your reply Tony. I’m not sure about getting the police involved. He has never hit me and I didn’t even consider DV until hospital and psychiatric staff mentioned it. I’d be scared that would make my life even harder especially considering he comes from a very toxic family (history of violence and alcohol abuse). His sister tried to convince him to leave me with all the kids during my stay in the psych ward after my attempt telling him I was just trying to manipulate him. I shudder to think what they would say to our kids and everybody we know to make me look bad. Our children also have neurodivergence and mental health issues in two (my teen daughter severe anxiety and depression and ADHD, tried to OD recently) and they don’t believe ADHD or mental illness is real so I worry for their safety should they be with that side. 
My psychologist got me to open a side account last year when I was thinking of leaving so I have that and I have kept a records of all communications from him and his family and their threats etc. as advised by legal aide. I think next week when I’m better (I have chronic health problems which has also been a ln added stress to our relationship) I will go in to my closest Centrelink and talk with them. There is a safe haven across the road also who were looking after me last year and I haven’t had a chance to go to their centre yet so will do that at the same time. 
It’s such a daunting road and I’m keep doubting and second guessing myself. I will take everything you said on board and try to formulate a plan

thanks again