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Cheating partner...but its so complex and much more complicated. help!

lostgirlwa96
Community Member

Me and my partner have been together for 7 months now & we have a very loving, trusting relationship. He knows everything about me, my unfaithfulness in previous relationships, my ex struggle with depression, anxiety and suicide. My partner has always been very closed off about his past. I know his ex cheated on him a few times but he doesn't really open up.

2 weekends ago we went overseas together for our first holiday. I could never fault my boyfriend, he is so loving, caring and everything i could ever wish for. This holiday was perfect.

One evening me & him got into a little tiff after drinking & when he passed out i decided to go through his phone. What i found then changed everything.

There was an app called 'kik' open, there was some messages between him & another guy of which he had messaged this guy saying 'my gf is mad at me & i dont know why?', of course i investigated more. When i scrolled through the messages i saw  photos of me being sent to this guy & this guy sending videos back. These photos i was unaware were being taken & even had been taken earlier that day. My partner was telling this guy to think things about me & asking this random man what he should do sexually to me.

He was also talking to this girl, she was sending photos/videos to my partner & he was sending videos of himself to her.

I was so in shock at it all i woke him up & threw his phone against the wall screaming at him. its all a bit of a blur what happened but obviously i was distraught, i was trying to leave the hotel room but he was standing in the door. i felt violated, prostitued, cheated, lied too. Next my boyfriend went into the hotel bathroom (we were in bali still, it was about 1am in the hotel room) and had a full flown anxiety attack. i had never seen him like this. I stopped yelling & screaming and just tried to talk to him about why he would do this too me.

He explained to me that it was a self sabotage thing. It stemed from ex relationships and 2 unfaithful ex girlfiends & he just assumed i would do the same. He wanted guys to want me so he would feel lucky to have me but he also wanted girls to say he was worth something. His reasons were very confusing and still to this day im lost as to why he would do this too me.

Ive decided to be there for him to battle whatever is happening and he is currently seeing a psych to sort this out but this is still hard on me. How do i get through this to support him?

2 Replies 2

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

lostgirl,

welcome to the forum. Sorry it has taken a while to get a reply, ut this happens sometimes.

thanks for writing your first post and sharing your story.

This is a sad and complicated story. I know about self sabotage and when people are very vulnerable they can do strange things.

You are good to support him but you also need support. Do you have any help or can you see a counsellor or both of you together.

i think you will need support to help him.

Also if he really wants to change he may need to help you have access to his phone so he is completely honest and open.

Feel free to post here when you want.

I wish you the strength and determination , to help your partner.

You are not alone , this is a supportive forum.

Quirky

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Lostgirl, and a warm welcome to you.

If he's dating someone who’s cheated like you say you have, he may need to make sure
it’s something that you have learned from because he has already been cheated on and the truth has not been told

What he is doing is getting affirmation from other people that you are someone who deserves to be going out with, in other words, he hopes that these other people only wished they were going with you as he says 'he wants guys to want me'.

He has to be reassured that it's not going to happen again, but that's no different than 'how long is a piece of string', no one knows, but it would good for this to be discussed with a relationship counsellor because you have a loving and trusting connection.

I'm sorry for saying what I've said but hope you can get back to us.

Geoff.