Cheated on me

[SydneyKat]

So all this time I thought he was having just an emotional affair, people told me otherwise and I didn't believe it. Now the guilt has hit him and he told me he slept with her a handful of times, he said he couldn't keep the secret any longer. He seems to be deciding between me (wife of 6 yrs and 18 yrs partners in total) with young child and the other woman . The ex partner of the woman actually contacted me and told me all, but u was unsure at the time , he also said she is a woman who goes for taken men (who does that right?!) this is her 3rd time, he also told me other bad traits of hers . My husband seems to be discovering pieces of this but doesn't believe everything either ( deluded, wants to believe she was the one for him, she was there for him to talk, he'd been bottling up feelings for a while, that were over years against me , I'd call them niggling things about me, eg me cleaning too much , not getting right brand of something ).

Am I insane for contemplating the idea of what if he asks to come back ? He says he has been thinking about it but doesn't know what to do still. Or do I just burn everything of his and tell him not come near me again

[geoff]

dear Kat, I believe that this has been a worry for quite awhile, and now the truth has come out by the person he was having an affair with, and even though it was something you dreaded now it has been confirmed.
What can happen when someone is depressed is that they want to talk to someone else, who is not involved in your relationship with him, so as they tell this other person more and more, then a relationship starts because there maybe hugs and kisses just for support, until it then leads onto becoming a real meaningful relationship, that leads onto having an affair.
If you take him back then how are you to know if he's not talking to her again or perhaps someone else, so that's a massive gamble you have to take on.
There's a big differenece between talking to a psych where absolutely nothing could ever possibly happen, except for counselling, than talking to another person which then leads onto having an affair, so it's something you have to decide, but I know if I was stilled married my wife would have kicked out and filed for divorce, just like I would have done if it happened with her.
If you do take him back you will always be thinking what he is doing when he's not at home. Geoff. x

[SydneyKat]

Geoff,

for a while you suspected he has depression , do you really think he did/does? I wonder if he had the depression and then did like you said. I also told him that simply talking to someone can create this scenario .

I am scared about what to do , whether to take him back and would he do this again and how do I know this wouldn't happen again . A lot of trust would have to be re-built . Do you know of anyone who has taken them back and how did it go? Other readers out there have you taken your husband back after an affair ? Did u succeed? Am so scared of it happening again but for some reason I can't let him go , I am still drawn to him.

[pipsy]

Hi SydneyKat. Can I offer my two cents worth here? Depression, as Geoff pointed out often makes the sufferer talk to someone other than their spouse as emotions don't come into a 'third party' who has nothing to gain. The third party offers the inevitable shoulder to cry on, the depressed person starts turning more and more to offered shoulder, eventually building up a scenario where they believe third party is interested. Sometimes an affair is the result of the constant contact. Spouse of depressed person finds out about the affair, causing more problems. You are now asking if you should consider reconciliation? Perhaps you feel at this stage, his company is better than no company. I think, like Geoff says, how long before you start asking where he is, did he work back as he said? You could suggest he seek professional counselling before you even consider reconciliation. I think perhaps an ultimatum, either he seeks counselling, or no dice on reconciliation. Maybe even suggest marriage counselling. Sometimes people deserve a second chance, only you know how you really feel.

Lynda

[geoff]

dear Kat, what Lynda has said I agree with, you can punish yourself whether you want to take him back in, but once again with the 'bashed wife syndrome', the husband brings home chocolates and flowers to make up and always says it won't happen again, but of course it does over and over again, so all the husband's promises and pleas never will come true, so the wife leaves, but she still loves him and hopes that he will help, so by you denying him access to be with you again doesn't mean that your love stops, but you are unable to trust him anymore.
We all marry because we love and trust our new spouse, but once this trust has been broken, then how is it able to believe something he has said that you don't believe, doubt or query.
There are too many unanswered doubts that will never be answered, all the 'what if's' or even 'why' when he tells you something that isn't logical and so an argument begins, and then you're back to square one.
This won't mean that your love will stop, but you can't live a life like this, too much uncertainty. Geoff.

[pipsy]

Hi S.K. I left my hubby last year after 25 years of the emotional 'battered wife' syndrome Geoff mentioned. In my case he wasn't cheating, but his parents came first, second and sometimes third in our 'marriage'. I put the word marriage in speech marks because the marriage turned out to be a farce. It was legal, but not binding. Everytime his parents wanted him, he would run. Their treatment of me was verbally abusive, questioning, put downs etc. My ex stood back and allowed this, so I became a battered wife. Like you, I wrestled with should I stay, should I go etc. Eventually, through these forums and the help of a special friend, I came to the same conclusion that nothing was going to change and if it did, it wouldn't be for long. My ex often informed me I was overreacting, stupid, sensitive etc. When I first left, I cried myself to sleep for a week. Guilt was there, in my face. It's been a year and my confidence has soared. I realized early, that if I returned, I would return to the reasons I left. Geoff has pointed out the 'hearts and flowers' routine, my ex too would've initially showered me, but then, his parents beckon and away he goes. Initially the decision to leave or ask him to leave is painful, but leaving things as they are with hopes of getting better seldom happens unless both people want the same thing. I have no doubts my ex would gladly have me back - back being the operative word. Back to what I left. His parents are both in a rest home. This means he possibly sees them more often due to their advanced age and the guilt trip they display.

Lynda

[SydneyKat]

I suggested counselling, but he says just we should work it out , no one else. He also said he is mentally fine, but I don't think so, I think it's like Geoff described , I think that's how it started (the affair) and I agree that's why counsellors are important because it doesn't go into sexual world. I feel like he's started treating me like an idiot and started domineering me. I am a smart university educated woman, what's wrong with me to take this? I am scared I will do or say wrong things all the time, I can't begin to relax and be happy. Sorry can't type well right now. I feel like I have broken down into numbness. I dropped another kilo again, , too skinny and don't like that , lost some size in the important area too. At what stage do u start taking meds? My doctor asked me last week did I want some I said no, but i can't continue feeling numb sad shit , i want to feel happy

[geoff]

dear Kat, you shouldn't be scared in making any wrong comments or decisions, why, well because he's the one that is to blame, not you, he has broken the trust trying to hide it behind your back, has lied, but was enjoying himself by having two ladies in his life, sorry, but that's what was happening, and now that your weight has dropped is certainly a worry.
You should think about starting the med's, it may only be for a few months just to get you stabilised, because if you keep on losing any more weight then you will need to be taken to hospital, so that nutrients and vitamens can be given to you by a drip, but you can avoid any of this, where your doctor may want you to see a dietitian.
I hope that you see how concerned we are for you. Geoff. x

[pipsy]

Hi Kat. Your hubby is playing exactly the same as my ex. He's putting you in the driver's seat. My ex suffers from a 'guilt complex'. His parents brought six kids up with the belief that because they are the parents, their needs outweigh their children's rights for a life of their own. Your hubby believes that he has the same right, in that if he decides to have an affair, that is his right. He has a very chauvinistic outlook on marriage and women in general. He has caused you so much anxiety, your health is suffering. He possibly would see a counselor, may even agree with everything the counselor suggests, but it would be a 'face' agreement. In other words, he would agree, but he won't actually stick with the agreement, because he can't. He is an habitual cheater and is addicted to that life. He won't ever settle with one woman as his makeup won't allow him to. My health suffered terribly too, I couldn't eat, sleep. I would walk the floor wondering what I had done to deserve the treatment I was getting. You did nothing wrong, except put your faith and hopes in the wrong man, as I did. This is not your fault. I hear the pain you're in, I was exactly the same. Once I decided to leave, the guilt I had was unbelievable. However, I stuck to my guns, and a year later, I am now enjoying my life. I no longer feel guilty for leaving something I never actually had. I do have someone else in my life, but it's an online relationship as living with someone is not 'me'. I have met the man I am involved with. Please take care of your health, don't let him hurt you anymore.

Lynda

[mr1]

'Once a cheat , always a cheat'. Move on girl.