I’m a new mum, not coping that well, and I have no one to talk to about it
Hi all. I’m 30 years old and I’m mum to a beautiful 10 month old little girl. I bonded with her from literally the very beginning and I love her more than anything. I have never struggled to bond with her. Like most mums, I put her needs before all my own.
Lately I’ve been having a really rough time. I think I can boil it down to the following things:
1. I am my own worst enemy. I hate having to ask for help. I really really hate it. I feel embarrassed and like an idiot.
2. The person I would most like to ask for help is my mum and she can be quite cold and unhelpful. She is from the school of thought that nobody helped her and she managed so what am I complaining about. Because she’s like this, I am cold in return. She makes me feel incredibly guilty if I ask her for anything. She babysat once in 10 months for 2 hours. She was supposed to again today and I was so looking forward to it, then I got gastro (!!) And had to cancel. She just said, oh no get better soon. I don’t think she will offer to do it again anytime soon. Once I poured my heart out to her in an email and told her I was not coping, I had called lifeline, and I had hurt myself, about one or two months ago. She called me up and basically said, that’s life, and to call her if I need to (honestly why would I?) or call Lifeline again in future.
3. none of my friends have kids.
4. My husband is supportive but he works full time. He does a lot to help me on weekends. However I’m still breastfeeding so really it’s still me doing nighttime’s, and bub still wakes several times every night. I can be mean to my husband as I am so exhausted, run down and feel so alone. He becomes my punching bag. We always make up afterwards but day to day it can be volatile.
Im sorry this isn’t very well explained. Basically I feel alone and I need somewhere to turn. I am in playgroups/mums groups but honestly I know for a fact that these mums have their shit together more than me. They’re not perfect but they definitely aren’t in this level of struggletown. I’m not quite sure why I’m having such a shit time of it really. My guess is that my bub is particularly tricky, I don’t have a supportive immediate family, and none of my friends have kids.
anyway just really hoping someone out there can identify or relate to any of this.......
I am 31 and I had my first baby last year too. A little boy. I also bonded from the start, but had a lot of trouble between 3 and 9 months.
It is really hard to ask for help. I was the same. For the first 3 months my son woke up every 2 hours. I ended up having a bit of a break down one day and begged my mum to come and pick my son up and take him away for a while so I could sleep. Once I got him into a good sleep pattern I felt so much better & able to cope.
My son is 12 months old now and I still breastfeed. I think it was at about 10 months old I started weaning him from night feeds. We were having 3/ 4 feeds a night and I slowly cut them out one by one. At that age they can go all night without milk. I would send my husband in the first time he woke up and he would settle him to sleep. My partner works full time too, but he was happy to do it because it helped them bond.
Now we have 1 feed a night, usually at 3/4am and sometimes he sleeps straight through!
Have you seen a doctor about your mood? I saw one pretty much straight away and although I didn't go on antidepressants it did help to get a referral to a psychologist. I was able to talk through a lot of what I was feeling. I also know that I need to keep myself (including my mind) healthy so I can be there for by baby.
You can also call PANDA to talk things through. They are so lovely and their volunteers who are mums who have also had a bad time. The breastfeeding hotline is also really good if you want some advice on how to cut back on night feeds.
PANDA. Phone 1300 726 306. www.panda.org.au/
Australian Breastfeeding Association Phone 1800 686 268 https://www.breastfeeding.asn.au
I hope you start to feel better soon. Please keep posting if you need to
Welcome to the forum, this is a friendly and supportive place.
I can feel your frustration and exhaustion through your words.
I like the way that you have listed why you feel the way you feel.
Having a baby can be incredibly isolating even if you are getting support and help. I can relate to what you said about playgroup mums seeming to have things more together and maybe not really understanding what you are going through.
When I first went to playgroup I felt everyone seemed more confident than I did but over time I realised there were a few other mums like me trying to pretend everything was ok.
I can understand how disappointed that you feel your mum is not more understanding. For some women they feel if they managed to get through the first few years of baby that other women should to. I suppose sometimes one can forget how exhausted one was ..
I was wondering before you had your lovely baby, congratulations, did you ever feel like you do now or has it happened for the first time in the last month or so?
Have you or would you feel ok to let the doctor how you are feeling?
Some mothers do feel like they are struggling after they have had a baby and it could be the lack of sleep that makes it worse.
Niamh, you are not alone as many people reading this can relate to what you have written.
Thanks for reaching out here.
I know it may not feel like it but you are doing a wonderful job with your daughter .