Careless night with consideration to abort

[lilaclovee]

We decided a near five years ago to get ahead and pursue studies / apprenticeship to get ahead. We had well jobs but wanted more and knew we needed more in terms of getting ahead. 

In the midst, we found ourselves pregnant. A surprise and unplanned pregnancy but we welcomed it whole heartedly and it still brings tears to my eyes because I feel so blessed to have my now healthy, near 3 year old son. Was it a struggle, absolutely! No one plans to become a mature age student and then start a family.

It’s been a tough three years, with covid, one income, cost of living, increasingly inflations, petrol prices etc we’ve only managed to just get on by, with little left over and been unable to save but we’ve done well to never miss a bill and always been able to pay out mortgage.

Next year was our year to get ahead! At last! Finally get a new car, I drive the same car I purchased when I was 22 and it’s a Golf, a good car but far from a family car. I am a student nurse and during these years of studies I’ve also been working casually but out of work when I’m on clinical placement, which is a huge stressor, full time hospital hours which means no pay (we don’t get paid) and in a negative because it essentially costs me to be there, loss of income due to ceasing casual work, petrol, parking, food and casual day care costs.

We we’re at the end of the marathon and what happens, I’m pregnant!!!

This was not in our plans at all and it feels different, I don’t welcome this surprise as I did with my first and that alone brings a lot of sadness and regret to my heart. 

For most young families, times are incredibly tough and strained, is it a smart or a heartless decision to propose the idea of an abortion due to finance and career ? We can’t even afford to buy a family car until I’m working again, as we evidently need two incomes, our couch is haggard, fitted sheets are torn and we are strained. 

My partner supports my decision regardless but I know he is feeling the strain of carrying us for a near three years and I don’t blame him, it’s been very tough. 

I’m at a loss and feel sadness, is it okay to think these things that money and somewhat career is a factor. I just want the best for my family and mentally, I don’t think I will cope, I never planned to be a SAHM too and I feel inferior

[Sophie_M]

Hi lilaclovee,

Thank you for your post tonight, and welcome to the forums.

It sounds as though you and your partner have a difficult decision to make - and whichever decision you make, it's very likely to impact on both of you (including aspects of your relationship) in some way now, and into the future.

When it comes to making a decision such as this one, it's not only a good idea to open yourselves up to listening to different points of view and taking in a wider perspective, it's also a really great idea to get some counselling support (before & after the decision making process) to help you to ensure that you've really explored your thoughts, emotions and options fully with someone safe (and neutral) who can help you to navigate this situation well.

We highly recommend talking to a professional who is trained in this area, and visiting your GP might help you to get an appropriate referral (and can also provide you with a Mental Health Care Plan in order to help make accessing the support more affordable).

Alternatively, you can also give us a call on the phones at any time (24/7) and chat with one of our trained counsellors confidentially for some brief counselling support and further referral options. You can call us on 1300 22 4636, or you can reach us online here (if you prefer to chat online rather than phone, this is a good option).

Talking with someone is a really great way to process our thoughts and emotions, and we wish you the best of luck with making your decision.

Warm regards,

Sophie M


 

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear lilaclovee,

A very warm and caring welcome to our forums….

The decision you and your partner are trying to decide on is not an easy one…and I’m so deeply sorry that your going through this…

This is a decision that only you and your partner can make…together….

A child as you know is a lifetime commitment of unconditional love and care….and that requires no regrets at all if you both go ahead with your pregnancy…..If you abort your pregnancy, will you have regrets later on in a few years time after you’ve established your careers etc….,it’s a decision that has to come from your heart…

I wish I could be of more help to you….

My kindest thoughts with my care dear lilaclovee,

Grandy.,,

[lilaclovee]

Thank you Sophie for your reply.

I will definitely look to get some support during this period and take care of myself emotionally and mentally, I am a big mental health advocate and know too well the importance of taking care of yourself.

I should add, we have every plan to have another child but we’d like that to be  planned pregnancy, we’d love to have that opportunity where we look to each other and say “let’s give it a go” - we feel saddened that we are yet to have that but we just didn’t plan for this right now.

I swing between two mindsets, truly I do and can so somewhat rest between, maybe it’s meant to be and what’s another year of struggle and take on a more holistic and spiritual path but then my head and reality of life kicks in and I think, my goodness we can’t even afford a car and at times fitted sheets and some other important things, it’s the financial and mental notion that I think could also break us. 

I’m not asking for anyone to tell me what to do per se but for others to share open suggestions or experiences.

I am a person who is both spiritual and has the belief of god but I’m also equally as practical and realistic in terms of life and it’s demands. 

xx 

[lilaclovee]

Thank you Grandy for taking the time to be of support which you are.

if I’m honest, I feel like I’m leaning towards terminating and that alone is difficult because I never thought I’d find myself in this position.

I just know already within myself that it will come at a cost and the surprise isn’t the same welcoming as it was for my son, and that alone feels unfair on this child. 

The role of a mother is one I honour and take very seriously and it’s not one I want to wing, I know the demands of a child and I know life can be hard but I just feel that it could be quite a strain. I just feel like it’s a lose lose situation for me regardless but as mentioned, I know I have the strength to welcome another child but I just worry at what cost 😞 

[Petal22]

Hi lilacovee,

I understand that sometimes life throws us surprises  but please don’t allow fear to play a part in your decision.

This is a huge decision that only yourself and your partner can make together, please try not to rush the decision.

I understand that the mental side of having another child can be challenging but I just wanted to add that if you ever need support you could try to find a perinatal clinic that could offer support.

Sometimes we grow with the challenge.

As Sophie has mentioned talking to a health professional about this decision could be helpful for you.

Just try to slow down a bit and try to adapt to a calmness from within, once things inside you are calm you will begin to get a sense of clarity.