Anxiety and relationship ending
Hi, this is my first time posting. I (24,F) have struggled with anxiety and depression (unknowingly) for most of my adolescents and adulthood. I had been struggling for the last 3 months with anxiety, but not realising how bad it was impacting me. I have lost focus with my work, I attributed a lot of this to work demands and deadlines, but now that those deadlines have past and my work has taken the pressure off me. I have seen that I'm still struggling, I have been having panic attacks etc..
About 1.5 months ago, I got black-out drunk with friends (I think I drank excessively so I wasn't feeling anxious around people). That night, I was verbally abusive to my partner, saying horrible things about him and also saying how he doesn't love me, or could never love me because I'm such a horrible person.
I have seen a psychologist, and learnt that I have a core belief that I'm unlovable. But, to add to this core belief - my long-term partner of 5.5yrs has broken up with me. He said after the hurtful things I had said that drunken night, he just couldn't be with me anymore. He said that I need to be by myself to get better, and that I need to deal with my anxiety myself. He said he couldn't emotionally support me anymore, he said that my constant questioning of his love has strained him. He felt like no matter what he did to show me he loved me, it wasn't good enough for me to feel loved. He also said he needs space to sort out his own issues (he suffers from anxiety as well).
I feel horrible about this because in the past he had shown compassion, empathy and love when I was struggling. I tried to tell him that it wouldn't always be like this, and that once I went through therapy things would improve. He expressed that he didn't want to 'burn bridges', and that he wanted to remain friends and maybe in the future we could see where we're at. I don't understand why he would say that, if you wanted to end things, wouldn't you want to remove that person completely from your life?
I constantly spiral thinking that this wouldn't be happening if I hadn't of gotten drunk that night and said mean things to him (which I don't remember what I said). I have very few friends or family that understand, everyone else has their own issues, and I'm burdening everyone. I want to get the love and support from my ex-partner, but I know if I do that it isn't respecting the time/space he asked for.
How can I love myself again?
Hi TTI Im going through a similar experience with my ex partner . I understand haw you feel that one bad night may have caused this but i think there would be underlying issues that were there. I have been kicking myself about how i reacted to some things and blaming myself, i did react to former partners contacting her not in an angry way but i guess jealosy. Iv spoken to many people and the general theme of things is that its easy to think back and gloss over things but forget about the times that werent so good . I cant help but think the night you got drunk may have been the build up of other things and not the sole reason for your position at the moment. I know its so hard not to reach out with a text or phone call as i feel that way myself, but again everyone tells me to not do it. Just look at each day as a little victory with that one and know its all for the best if you want to get back together. Hope i make some sense. Beaser.
Dear TTI, thankyou for your informative post filling us in on the recent events and situation you find yourself in atm. Welcome to the forums.
IDK if I got the right feeling from your post, but are you really angry with your ex for not standing by you regardless of what's occurred?
That's the feeling I got, could be wrong!
I'm so glad you have a Psych to help you work thru any issues you want to share.
You also have US even though we're not Psychs lol, so many of us have "been there" in similar situations and I hope you can feel supported in this safe space.
Firstly I'm so sorry your relationship as you know it broke up.
I've most definitely wanted to stay friends with some exes (I'm old so I have a lot of exes lol!) NOT ALL, NO!
Just some. Ones where we had a really nice friendship. I didn't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater so to say. Some I stayed friends with for decades.
Although I am a person to break up and stay broken up. I don't play games. If it's over in the bf/gf sphere, then it's done.
Firstly, have you apologised for that night? I assume you have, probably a lot. Just checking. Hugs.
HUGS! I'm sure everyone here has done things they've regretted and felt sorry about. You're not alone there.
But it is awful when it wrecks something you actually wanted in your life.
Secondly I'm intuiting that maybe, just maybe, you felt that he didn't love you because he didn't take the relationship "to the next level"?
How can you love yourself again?
Hang around here and have a look at the Wellbeing sections.
We have a Gratitude Thread "3 things to be Thankful for today" and a self-care thread too.
Visiting these daily is HELPFUL!
How are you doing today?
Hello TTI, although we may feel that alcohol will numb any type of depression, it also can bring out the worse in us, whether or not we believe what we have actually said can determine many things, some that aren't repairable and some because we want the alcohol to empathise how unwell we are feeling, and this can happen on many occasions.
The next morning you could feel resourceful for what has been said, but sometimes it may be too late and cause a situation like you have just described, then a major problem has only deepened.
You can only respect his time and space if it allows you to express how you are feeling because what you have said could be slightly exaggerated but there was truth to it, and although it may have been said, half of it may be true, but he's taken all of it in sincerity.
What you have said needs to be discussed with your therapist because there must be thoughts that have been going through your mind and the alcohol has given you the chance to release them, this doesn't mean you don't love your partner and it's possible for you to slowly approach him to become partners once again, but take the time you need.
Thank you for your kind words. I am angry with my ex for leaving me, and not standing by me especially because we have been through a lot and he has always been there. I feel that he has almost been selfish in not working through this with me. But, I guess what I can see from other people's comments is there probably was a lot more going on from his end that I don't know about.
I have apologised multiple times, he has said that he is working on forgiving me and has spoken about his own issues. But, I do feel that a lot of what he has said to me is a lie. He said he was going back to his psychologist to sort out his communication problems - but I doubt he will do that. I wouldn't say that I didn't feel loved because he didn't take the relationship "to the next level", we were living together for the last 2.5 yrs. I guess I feel abandoned by him.
Some days I feel fine, other days I'm stuck in a mindset of how horrible I had treated him to make him leave me like that. He has become progressively nastier through text message and pressuring me to move out (currently staying at his place, whilst trying to find somewhere to live). I'm trying to stay hopeful that moving out will help me move on, but maybe it won't work that way.
Thank you Beaser!
It is comforting to know there are others out there feeling this way too. I think I really need to work on accepting that it isn't all my actions that have done this. It is very hard for me to look back because other than my own anxiety issues, we didn't have any other problems. He admitted recently that because my anxiety and low-self esteem made me think I was unlovable, he would always feel like no matter what he did to show me he loved me, he felt like it wasn't enough. I hate knowing that my mental health issues have made it so hard for him to continue to be with me. I just want to finally accept who I am, and feel like I'm deserving of love.
You're doing a good job of not contacting your ex, I think it's important to try remove them from your life initially. I have been avoiding contact, but living situations means I still need to be in communication with him. Trying to take small victories, like rewarding myself for at least getting up at a normal time and getting to work.
Hopefully things get better for you soon too.
Happy to talk TTI
You are doing a great job. I cant help but think of how we are feeling similar things in regard to how things ended. I too just want to feel worthy of being loved and my low self esteem and anxiety i feel caused us problems. I have texted my ex even today im not sure whether it was best but i just felt like reaching out and showing i still cared. I had an appt with my specialist this morning and it always makes me a bit emotional.
Hey TTI, sorry I didn't see your response to my post before now.
Allow me to respond to some of what you wrote...
"I have apologised multiple times" GREAT! The ball is now in his court with what he does about that. From what I see, it's still a done deal.
Doubt I'll be able to copy and paste things the whole post...
Perhaps, from ex's POV, this outburst was the straw that broke the camel's back.
Maybe you didn't see how stressful it's been for him? IDK.
You could look at this as lucky...yep. If one outburst (and IDK really how serious it was), can end things, then he isn't your person.
If you wanted to have children one day and really be far more vulnerable and dependent upon him? I think that era would have been too much for him.
I LOVED reading you say this to Beaser... "I just want to finally accept who I am, and feel like I'm deserving of love."
And ofcourse you are deserving of love!
It is SO MUCH easier to accept that someone AWESOME can love us to bits, when we see what they're saying to us as true - instead of denying these feelings constantly.
Some times these inner mind traps (or feedback loops) are created during childhood, from positive and negative experiences. Believe me when I say even the POSITIVE things parents do for their child can impact them later in life... it's happened to me with my Adult Children. Talking about THIS time may help uncover the 'why' of your feelings. Then you can work on what to do next for yourself.
FOO issues are real!
I was going to talk about anxiety a bit too (I have Complex PTSD) but dinner's in the oven lol. Gotta go!
You're doing great TTI.
PS: did you see how I wrote FIRSTLY twice in my last post? LOL sorry! There's ADHD in the mix too omg.
We have spoken since, we've finalised the separation. He clarified things for me, he said it was the last straw with this last drunken outbursts. He said he came to the realisation that I couldn't get better with him there supporting me. He said that we were both too co-dependent on each other for validation. He said I need to take time alone to become stronger at emotional control, and learning to love myself without having constant validation from him. He said he is still hurt, he cried and told me it's really hard to realise that caring for you and doing the right thing for you is breaking up. I did ask him whether he would ever consider starting a new relationship with me in the future - and he said "I don't want to say never, because I don't know what our futures will be like. And, I can't say yes because I don't know how I will feel or how you will change. But, maybe one day we could be"
I do see what he means; even in the last couple of weeks I've become so much more aware of how sh*tty my negative self-talk is. I didn't realise that he was a constant voice that reassured me and loved me regardless. I do think there was an element of me taking him for granted in many ways.
Every day now I'm just trying to work on quieting those negative self-talk. I know this is a battle, I'm still incredibly sad. But, I think I have finally accepted that this needed to happen so that I could become self-aware of my own self-destructive behaviour.
Now, I'm on the path of moving out this weekend (terrifying but exciting). I'm starting no contact with my ex (we both need space). Slowly feeling like things will improve eventually, but also scared of what that future will look like too.
Thanks for hearing my rant, I feel so heard!
Sometimes it can settle you more to just reach out to your ex, gives you a bit of closure. But I wouldn't expect a response from them. Things are amicable between me and my ex, which makes it easier although I know that for the next few weeks I will not be in contact with them. It is great to hear you're still going to your specialist, I too always feel very tired and emotionally drained after seeing mine. Time will help both of us.