Can’t take anymore

[Stacy_1113]

I have been with my husband for around 7 years. We have a 4 year old daughter and I’m currently 6 weeks pregnant.

daily he makes me cry. He hates my mum and is always telling me things to turn me against her. He doesn’t like her seeing me or my daughter when she travels to Sydney (she lives in another state). He is constantly calling me through the day to check up on me and if I do not answer the phone I’m scared of the outcome. He questions me about absolutely everything and always tells me what I can and can’t do.

when I’ve had enough and start to cry he screams at me that I’m a baby and I’m pathetic. When I’m quiet and don’t want to talk because I’m scared to talk as everything I say is wrong he gets angry. He always says I have issues and things I’d i fight back when he is nasty. He manipulated me constantly.

i find the only way to cope is to agree with every single thing he wants. But I’m getting fed up of living like this. I am so alone due to corona virus I lost my part time job and I’m just at home. I was very close to my grandmother but she recently passed away so now I have no one to talk to.

he caused so many problems for me when my grandmother was sick and even after she passed. He is not supportive in any way at all. He didn’t want my mum around when her mother my grandmother was dying.

he is very over weight and blames me for this because he says I don’t pack his lunch or wake up and make him breakfast. I am not overweight but now that I am pregnant he keeps making comments that I am.

i really hate being in this situation and actually hate it when he comes home each day. I would love to just have some time alone away with my daughter but he scares me so much. I don’t think I could leave him. He has punched holes in walls and broken a lot of things in the home and I get very scared he is going to hurt me.

[Guest909]

Hi Stacy

I thought that might be the case! The only other practical suggestion that I can think of is to clear the phone "call log" after you use it; but that might cause similar problems.

In regard to the "cheating" accusation, I would suggest your husband is trying to "project" his bad behaviour onto you, knowing full well that you are not cheating. My wife did the same thing to me. She kept telling me that I was paranode because I thought she was having an affair - the reality was an affair never once crossed my mind. Later on, I realised that the paranoia accusation was my wife's twisted way of controlling me.

From what little psychology I know, the practice is called "projection"; look it up if you get the chance.

[Helen72]

Hi Stacy,

This seems like a pattern and I don't think you can break it by yourself. Are you talking to someone who's trying to help?

Helen

[Deckt]

Hi Stacy 1113,

I've heard that before from my abusive ex... if you have done nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide. The point is though, that you ARE doing nothing wrong, just because he feels that it is. Talking to your mum is not wrong. Talking to a counsellor or helpline is not wrong.

He is telling you that it is wrong because that is a form of coercive control. Abusers are not dumb - they are aware that if the person that they are abusing talk to other people about what's going on, they will lose control. And abuse is ALL about control.

Please keep checking in, and make some calls when you can. Do you know how to delete messages and calls from your phone's history? On Android (at least, I don't really know about iPhones) if you long-press a message or call in call history, it should come up with an option to delete that from your phone's memory. Also, using private/secret/incognito mode when using the internet means that webpages and searches do not appear in your history.

Please let me know if I can provide any other "techie" suggestions - I studied IT security at uni, and know a few tricks to maintain your privacy.

Deckt.

[loouuiiee]

Hi Stacey

I was in the exact same situation with my ex (except we did not have any children).
I was terrified of him and had no one else and nowhere to go. I felt trapped in the situation but I made a plan and I eventually worked up the courage to get myself out.
if he controls and manipulates you to the point of you being fearful that is a bad environment to be raising children in.
If I was you I would go to your mums for the short term and seek help from support services in regards to custody of your daughter and getting protection for yourself put in place.