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Can't move forward with bf until I get over lifelong mental illness

jjac
Community Member

So, they say that you need to accept yourself and that you're enough. If another person doesn't like your faults, you should say goodbye. Well...that's not always the case, I've learnt.

So I have OCD, depression and anxiety issues which cause some problems, impact the way I interact with the world, the things I eat, the places I go to and the things that happen. I do not cook at all thanks to this fear, and the best culinary treat you're going to get out of me is some toast or instant noodles. I've managed to manipulate my life into a manageable thing.

My boyfriend is quite resentful of this, constantly brings it up and asks when I am going to cook for him, as the burden of cooking is solely on him. (never mind I clean rooms he never bothers to clean!) In past arguments he has stated if I can't cook for him, how am I going to feed our future children? That I can't "give them baked beans everyday." While he is right...I don't want to deal with it in a way. Like I constantly tell myself a child would be different, and everything would be okay...but I can barely prepare food for myself, let alone a partner...maybe I am not worthy of children?

I've been with my partner for 9 years now, and I believe the main reason he hasn't proposed (a main point of stress for us at the moment, we came to an agreement on when...but i can't help but think he is bluffing to buy more time, now I wait to see if i lied.) is because I am not wife material yet. I have no idea how to change lifelong habits and fears, and constantly chicken out at the thought of facing up to my mental health at the doctor. I always try to get my physical health sorted out first, which is never fixed up properly.

Sure I constantly think to myself that our friends get engaged and married much faster, I've known some of his friends 9 years and seen them date so many people, settle, get engaged and marry in the time we have been dating. It makes me feel bad about myself but then I can understand that I am not good enough. That's just a fact and it's really hard to get my head around the fact that despite the motivator that if I just tried harder I could get this...it still doesn't help me get better.

My boyfriend has so many faults and I resent things...but he doesn't "have" to change, so why do I? He's allowed to be everything he is...but where's the line between personality and mental illness? I'm not considering leaving because he hates cleaning the shower. I just do it.

5 Replies 5

pipsy
Community Member

Hi jjac. I remember you from past posts. Sorry you are still having bf problems. He sounds a bit of a controlling type. You don't have to change who or what you are, unless you're not happy with you. Your bf has no right to try to make you into whatever he wants. You say, in his eyes, you're not 'wife material', I'm not sure what that means. If it means you don't do what his mother did i.e washing, ironing, cooking etc, you don't have to, if you're not that sort of person. In todays world equality means just that. If the male wants to do washing, he should, there are many house-husbands today because wives choose to work rather than stay home. As far as having children, that's quite a commitment. If you feel you want them and your bf doesn't, I would be re-evaluating my whole situation with him. I personally am not a good house wife type, I can accept that about myself. If you are happy with your life, don't change it to suit someone else. With your bf's constant berating of you, sounds as though he's getting a kick from putting you down. Perhaps you and bf should sit down and sort out who does what in regards to house work, if you're not a house work type, he needs to accept this. I would look at your good qualities, weigh them up against his good qualities and sort out what you both want from your relationship.

Lynda.

JessF
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hello jjac, I'm going to play devil's advocate here... with regards to arguments over housework, this sounds to me like typical relationship bickering where each person feels hard done by because they feel they're doing more of the work. Perhaps your boyfriend doesn't clean the shower because he already feels he's doing his share by cooking the meals?

I think we also need to be careful in listing something as a "fault" when it is merely a lack of skill at something. Cooking can be learned. Putting all gender politics aside, it is a skill that should be learned, I believe. If your boyfriend were to leave tomorrow, would you be living off toast and noodles? Would you want to be? Perhaps taking a cooking class could be a small goal that you set for yourself this year. No-one would reasonably expect you to be able to whip up a gourmet meal in five minutes, but there are very simple, nutritious meals with a few ingredients that can be put together in a small amount of time. Perhaps your boyfriend could even show you some of the basics? If you expressed a willingness to learn and explained your anxieties, this could even be something that bonds you.

jjac
Community Member

This isn't a gender role thing, he just wants us to both do our share, it doesn't matter what else I do around the house, he wants a medal for cooking meals every now and then. It's his card be pulls out when he feels put out. He can put me in the corner and say "Well you don't cook..." if I did he'd have no ammo but I don't want to.

I really have no issue with eating sandwiches and take away (it'd include vegetables) for the rest of my life if necessary. If he left id be fine, I have little regard for my well-being and I get satisfaction from the idea of doing that. No one would bother me about it.

i don't want to touch food that someone else will eat. Sure I'm clueless on how to cut a.tomato but I can't be left alone to cook. Not just on a learning level, sure that part scares me too. I don't want to make anyone sick and i'd take forever washing and rewashing my hands. My standards for clean are very different to my boyfriend. It takes him minutes to do something that'd take me much longer.

When he tries to teach with me it ends in him correcting everything and taking over anyway. It feels patronising and stressful. I've tried but I'd rather not. I think he just needs to back off. He thinks he can change me in minutes but this is decades of damage he's sticking his filthy hands into. I spend enough of my time making sure he has clean clothes and floors. He can cook his own damn dinner. ​i just wish he'd exclude me from the meal entirely and not make food for me. But he refuses. I've told him just don't bother and I'll deal with the consequences on my own. It'd take so much pressure off me.

We agreed that he cooks and I do everything else but I dropped the ball. Things weren't being done and be wasn't cooking either. He ended up in some sort of stand-off. Some days I feel like I do more and he spends more time lying down. He gets home before me and gets to relax when he gets home. By the time I get home the expectation is I immediately start cleaning and I get no breathing space. He gets off his rear to cook and acts like I'm not pulling my weight. He thinks hes so special

JessF
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor
Jjac you don't sound particularly happy in this relationship. Are you actually still in love with your boyfriend? Are there any positives about being together? You seem very focused on his faults, as well as your own.

jjac
Community Member

Id say I do. Some days I just hate him and others I don't. It's my own inadequacy that gets me down. We clash on so many things but some days are totally fine.

When I think about my life without him compared to my life with him I think that being together is worth it. It's just a stressful time for me, it doesn't necessarily reflect our love or anything.

I take my frustrations out on the people I care about.

I wouldn't say anything rash about my relationship because I feel this way about everything. Home, work, relationships. I'm so frustrated with everything. Doesn't mean I give up.