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Waves of shock 6 months on- husband cheated

Nickname_16EBF092-F51D-42
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

It's now been 6 months since I discovered my husband had been cheating with other women (mfm also) mostly online sex.

We have gone through an enormous amount of counselling individually and as a couple. In short we are staying together, he loves me, he is now deeply affected by his actions and we are slowly getting through it. We have been together for 26 years and since then I have never been involved with another man.Our financial issues are also a huge burden, which we are trying to address. Only our doctors know our situation, to tell friends and family would be catastrophic.

i absolutely love him and am very slowly trusting and forgiving him - it's just excruciating.

I have never experienced depression and anxiety so bad,even during having my first child. My psych described the situation as a trauma which I dismissed at the time but due to what has been happening maybe she is right.

I am having episodes where the smallest of things can trigger utter despair, like going back to when I first found out. And it's not when I'm feeling particularly low - even on good days. It might be something like ironing a shirt I know he wore when he saw one them / the shirt now in the bin. Or the mention of an OS trip (one where he was there earlier and meet a woman (very young) and then met me at our rendezvous hotel).

i have a high level of anxiety when I go out with my husband - what if he sees someone from that life? I can't trust myself with what I'd do. I'm not violent and very much a law-abider ... But I understand the ferocity of anger that can lead to hurting someone.

When these shocks happen, at the time I can't stop it, it's like a spiral of despair. Somehow the mask goes on and I carry on, but if im on my own I end of the couch crying constantly.

how do you stop these memories? How to deal with the triggers? Why is the pain still so severe.

I didn't ask for any of this, it's not my fault.

4 Replies 4

pipsy
Community Member

Hi Nic. You've had a hell of a shock, trusting your hubby, only to find out he wasn't worth the trust. You've both had countless hours counselling, he's as upset as you with what's happened. Perhaps you need to tell hubby how you feel about accidentally bumping into a previous woman he was involved with. I think total honesty is the best policy here. Have you seen a photo or anything, so you would recognize them? Once hubby knows how much you worry about seeing one of them, he might be a bit more careful. He's hurt you terribly, you forgave him, but memories take time to erase, hurt still rears its head. Are you still in counselling, perhaps, if you are, it might be an idea to mention it next time you're with the counsellor. Otherwise, I'd be inclined to just let him know your concerns.

Lynda.

Thank you Lynda, I appreciate your response. To confirm we are still seeing psychs, yes I'm ive talked to him about my concerns ... But that doesn't stop it from happening.

i simply can't express the level of emotion that I go through when there are these triggers. I'm still recovering from one I had earlier in the week with extreme fatigue, helplessness and despair.

i can't work and not really paying attention to what is going on around me. I'm only driving when I absolutely have to.

... As far as knowing what these women look like ... I've had full access to his Skype log so unfortunately have seen more than their faces.

and no there is not full forgiveness yet

Hi Nic. It's good you're still in counselling. I would've been amazed if you had said you totally forgave him. He cheated and it's going to take a lot of time for you to trust him again - if ever. You're in shock, and need to know deep down that he is never, ever going to repeat what happened. At the same time, to keep rehashing in your mind what happened, is also counter-productive. Have you tried to have some time away, just the two of you. Like a second honeymoon. It might be worth thinking about, so you can try to re-capture what initially attracted you. I realise how hard it is to put it behind you, but in order to get past it, try doing things you used to enjoy together. A night out, dinner. If you can get past the nightmares, it would be better. Reminding him frequently is painful for him too.

There is not much more I can add here. But if you love him and he loves you, give yourselves a chance to heal. Healing takes time, but it will be worth it.

Forget Skype, fb, anything where he had contact. If he still has these contacts, ask him to erase them.

Lynda.

dear Nic, I feel so sorry for you, because your trust for him has gone out the window.
He has an addiction and to cure this is not easy, because he can tell you that he'won't do it any more' and expects you to believe him and for all of this to just go away, well it's not that easy, and it won't just disappear, he has left a mark on you, one which has tarnished his faith that you once believed in.
You say it could have been going on for about 6 months, but I would believe it to be a much longer period, somehow he left his guard down and got caught.
I realise that you both love each other, but you are so disappointed in him betraying you, and that's what he has to understand, but even if he says that he does, how can you trust him that he doesn't do it when you're not home and then delete it when you do get home, that would be impossible to know.
I'm sure that I know how he would feel if he caught you doing exactly the same thing, he would be mortified.
At the moment you aren't sure how many girls are involved, and if he says only 1,2,3 then can you trust him, and there is going to be a problem when you go out and he smiles at someone then is this going to set you off, probably.
I am only saying all of this because I believed that my wife (ex) was having an affair which you may consider to be different to what your husband is doing, but bottom line is that once trust in a marrige has been broken it is so hard to regain it again. Geoff. x