Narcisstic mother

[Only_the_lonely]

Hello. I am 48 years old. My parents divorced when I was teen age and I was forced into work since I was 15 years old. My elder brother and I was the scapegoats in the family and my brother and I gave all our pay packets (back on the 80's we got paid cash with payslips if some of you may remember). Later we did feel unworthy not getting anything from our mum so we approached our employer and he agreed to make two pay packets so one for mum ($100.00), and $25.00 for me.

I think it was around this time that my mum lost her love for me but only viewed my brother and I as bread-winners in the house. Saturdays, my brother and I would wake up and take the clothes to the laundrymat, walk kilometres to buy groceries and carry them back. We used to take our younger siblings to weekend game practices whilst my mum just sat back and relaxed. She used to get angry when we missed any of our routine chores. I remember I bought mags for my first car which I bought in a payment plan. She told me to leave the house. We did not have anyone else in Australia ,no friends or family members. I would cry many times. Today, I am married for 21 years, have 2 girls and a loving wife but I have been barred from family members because of my mum. She does not love me enough to except my wife as well. She wants money from me and if I don't provide, she would complain to my younger siblings who then send rude text messages to me. I have raised this issue with her but she brushes it off saying ,,,no..no!! its not what you think. She does not care about how I feel. I have tried to be a good son and gave her money even behind my wife's back as I wish to honour my parents as the bible says but my mum gives me so much grief. Even today it pains me and I cry without anyone knowing as I work alone. Mum often says if I don't do as she wants then my kids will get to me as Karma will prevail.

I love my kids and I give them lots of love and kisses all the time. I will ensure that I am nothing like my parents. I do wish well for my siblings but I am keeping away from them as nothing I will say, will make them makes sense as all they are trying to please is my mum. My elder brother, has also stopped contacting mum as we cannot win and we are always branded the "bad sons" after committing 15 years to them. I lost my youth due to my commitment, never dated as my mum made sure we did not have money. Am I doing the right thing here??

[Kathryne]

Hi

Welcome to beyond blue.

I understand where you are coming from. I too had to hand over my sealed pay to my mother, from15 till 17 when I left home.

I wonder why you still provide your mother with funds? My siblings also have minimal contact with our mother for our own sanity.

I look at the positives in your post happily married for 21 years with two beautiful daughters.

Only you can know if you are doing the right thing!

You need to consider your wife and children and the love within your family unit, the stress your mother causes, maybe call her bluff, stating you can no longer provide money to her , do your younger siblings provide?

Regards Kathryne

[pipsy]

Hi Only the lonely. I had similar with my mum on pay slips (yes I remember pay slips). My mum would stand at the back door, I would hand over my pay, then I too could enter. It could be your siblings keep hoping mum will change. When we get 'battered' wives here, a lot of them believe it's their fault too, something they've said, not said etc. Mum's are mums, supposed to be loving, caring etc, when they're not, it's hard to believe, accept, so we often try harder to 'make' them love us. I do believe your siblings will either wake up and realise what your mum is really like, or they will continue as they are. As Kathryne said you need to concentrate fully on your family. Keeping the contact going with the siblings who are still involved with your mum is not really productive for you now. I think I'd be inclined to tell them you're too busy, tell them you might get in touch eventually. I wouldn't upset them as they could 'tell' on you to mum, therefore widening the breach that already exists. It's sad this has happened, but it's not as uncommon as you think. There are so many narc people in this world. Unfortunately, your mum may never admit to this condition because, like so many narc's, she simply doesn't believe she has anything wrong. With narc's they firmly believe everybody else is at fault. Take care of yourself and your family - first. They are your priority.

Lynda.

[Only_the_lonely]

Hello again, thank you for your responses Pipsy and Katherine. I will take that into account. I agree its hard to imagine your parents just thinking of you as any means to "gain" something from you just because they are your parents. I don't mind helping but they have to be "nice" to me to get that treatment. Although I have been helping her, I know for a fact she will not change anytime soon and being over 70 , she is not keen on gaining extra knowledge or wisdom that she thinks she has. I can relate her mannerisms to my elder brother who also perceives the same behaviour pattern. My younger siblings are giving me cold shoulders since mum is manipulating them into thinking I am the "bad" child in the family. I invited my mum to my daughters 16 birthday earlier this year. I picked and dropped her home the same night so she could attend, which I done to show respect. She went home only to create some drama about my wife and next thing, I get abusive text messages from siblings (excluding my elder brother). As I stated I cannot win with mum and my siblings as they are determined to look upon her, maybe its the inheritance or something but does not bother me as I have been supporting myself since 15. I will look at other avenues for friendship and happiness along with my family. At least I can be rest assured that I tried hard to be a good son to her but she did not keep up with her side of the bargin. I know there are many narcisstic parents out there still dictating actions on their kids after they have been settled and it tends to cause frictions amongst the partners. I think I have come to a stage where I will let go mum and her supporting troops. I have always been nice to them but they have been treating my wife and I as cr...ap and it has caused frictions in our relationships. I will keep minimal contact with mum and will not bother with my siblings as they don't want me in their lives.