Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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need_a_helping_hand Just dont understand.
  • replies: 3

Hi everyone. I guess this is the first time ive ever told anyone or let this out from under my emotions but i need help to know if im just over thinking things or am i just being blind sided by it all. Ok here goes. In the past i have had 3 propper r... View more

Hi everyone. I guess this is the first time ive ever told anyone or let this out from under my emotions but i need help to know if im just over thinking things or am i just being blind sided by it all. Ok here goes. In the past i have had 3 propper relationships where i was gutted when it ended. The first one i was only young and my partner had to move cities so we had to end it. It was the best relationship i have had as she was so faithful trusting and loving. The second one was a little up and down where she had slept with my friend and we were on and off a few times. The biggest one was when i went out for drinks with her by my side and with my other mates. She ended up sneaking off to chat up one of those other guys at a bar across the road. Im sure everyone knows what other type of guy im talking about... the one that always has the best of everything and everyone is talking about him. Anyway the night didnt end well as i left quite upset and ended up putting my hand through a window and spent the night in hospital. Once i had left hospital i went home to clean up to find out that my partner that didnt come see me in hospital ended up going home with that guy and having sex with him. I was gutted as i was dedicated to her but she seemed to take it as a joke. A few months go buy and we start seeing each other again but this time we had moved towns. We had to amazing twin girls together and i thort we were perfect. I had proposed to her and we were planning our wedding. I was with her for about 5 years alltogether but towards the end she had started becoming distant and didnt want much love from me. then one day i had seen a txt on her phone when i was getting dressed. It stated " yeah babe i sent ya my sexy pics, i sent them to your email so your partner wouldnt see them. pow!! i was hit in the gut as this was one of her guy friends that she was close to!! so i confronted her about it and she came clean. she told me that they had been sending pics back and forth but it wasnt serious. i mean why would you do this is you have kids with someone!! to cut that short she ended up sleaping with him while i was at work. so that ended our relationship and devistated our little girls. i was so hurt i didnt know what to do. Stupidly of me i went back every now and then and we had sex but we never got back together. Months past and there was another girl who i had knowen for ages that wanted to catch up. She wanted me just like i wanted her and soon we were dating

white knight The Grief of separation
  • replies: 1

It is probably the post under played topic of concern- for those that have never done it- separation from a partner or family. 1996, married, two young daughters. Endured 11 years of abuse from my then wife. I walked (indirectly forced) out the door ... View more

It is probably the post under played topic of concern- for those that have never done it- separation from a partner or family. 1996, married, two young daughters. Endured 11 years of abuse from my then wife. I walked (indirectly forced) out the door and purchased a small caravan to take up a location in a caravan park. In my mind I'd been forced from the family home. I just could not live with that evil woman any longer. So what price was to be paid for this decision? My children lost their full time dad, I lost- my full time parenthood, my home, my neighbours, my dog, my town (I could not afford to live so far from work anymore) etc. I began to endure the child support system and start life again. I returned to work and my colleague hardly responded. My mates tried to see reason and tried to get me to return home. I knew I couldnt. This period was mid 1990's and I hadnt (yet) been diagnosed with any mental issues. I look back upon that period and realise now that I suffered enormous grief for many months. I purchased a block of land and sought the opinion of colours for my future home -from my estranged wife as I grieved so much for my kids. After I separated I walked through a park and saw a man sitting at a folding table. The sign on the table read DIDS. I enquired. He told me it meant "Dads in distress". He then went on to tells me some extraordinary facts like - that suicides are more than the National road toll. WHAT??? In fact its around double with males taking about 77% of this (2010 stats) Thank God for DIDS, Beyond Blue, Lifeline and other organisations dedicated to saving the souls that lean that way. It doesnt matter if you are the person that left or the person being left the trauma can be equally devastating. Male or female....doesnt matter. It will take time to adjust and in those few early weeks your will to keep going will likely be tested. We dont have statistics on grief, the levels of grief etc...so many people in distress , alone and vulnerable. So some ideas. 1/ Time: take some time to readjust. Allow yourself to grieve. Dont be too hard on yourself 2/ Value you own parenthood. You cannot be replaced as one parent of your children. You are equally important to your children as the other parent. 3/ Take care of yourself. Go to your GP, discuss your issues, take medication for relevant issues like depression and anxiety,..its all in the process of getting over this period. 4/ Plan your future. 5/ Stay proud. It doesnt mean you are at fault.

Lonely_amp_low Quicksand
  • replies: 3

For a brief outline - I met my now ex-wife in 1996 and in April this year she asked me to move out. I can be honest and say that the marriage was far from perfect, we tried counselling a couple of times with limited success. I have some long term med... View more

For a brief outline - I met my now ex-wife in 1996 and in April this year she asked me to move out. I can be honest and say that the marriage was far from perfect, we tried counselling a couple of times with limited success. I have some long term medical issues that definitely caused lots of strain and tension between the two of us, it affected family holidays, etc. I thought I had things under control, but now realise I didn't. She tried telling me numerous times she wasn't happy, felt lonely, wanted more from me. I thought I was trying harder and understood her, but I now know I wasn't/didn't. And in the midst of this is our beautiful 10yo daughter who's desperately trying to figure us out. Well I moved out in June (we co-habitated but separate rooms until I could sort stuff out) and have organised a small unit for myself with a space for my daughter to visit. But I'm stuck. I cannot move forward. All I know is that I feel the same about her today as I did when I realised she was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I know it is over between us (if I could change this I would) and she has started to move on (ie dating) - which says a lot about how unhappy with me she truly was. I know this is going to be a long and drawn out process for me as I find it hard to want to let go, even if I need to. I'm trying to start again in a new place, but how do I make it home when my home has always been wherever my (ex) wife and daughter live. tI just doesn't feel right. To me it's just an empty space where I reside waiting for those opportunities when my daughter can visit and bring some meaning to my life. We are both professionals in the mining industry which brings its own challenges, but I was lucky enough to have residential positions, which was great - for the first 8yrs of my daughters life I was home every day, then I went FIFO which meant I was only home two weeks a month, but I made the most of it (well I tried to anyway). Now I have only seen my daughter for a total of 5 days in past 3 months. Yes we talk everyday on the phone and Skype when we can. But it's not the same. It's completely doing my head in. I never knew true loneliness until found myself sitting alone in a small flat contemplating life without those I cherish the most around me. As I said - I'm stuck fast and I can feel myself slowly sinking deeper and deeper as I struggle to move forward. I know I want to/need to, but I have no clue as to how become unstuck.

Biz_Koot Lonely after separation
  • replies: 3

Hi, I was with my husband for 19 yrs, and recently left him. I have tried for so many years to make it work. We have 2 wonderful boys, 13 and 15 yrs. I have tried to make it easy for him, he keeps the house and doesn't have to do anything, while I ha... View more

Hi, I was with my husband for 19 yrs, and recently left him. I have tried for so many years to make it work. We have 2 wonderful boys, 13 and 15 yrs. I have tried to make it easy for him, he keeps the house and doesn't have to do anything, while I have to work full time and juggle the kids half time and worry about money. He is fully retired on a lifetime pension and I am 15 yrs younger and working. He is a difficult individual, a man you can't easily get close to, easy to anger. He is extremely critical of me and our kids, nothing is ever right for him when it comes to me. He drinks alcohol every night and after a few wines can't stop talking about himself and never really wants us to reply, just listen to him go on and on. I was so sick of his critical nature, I tried to please him for so many years, but eventually I could see there was nothing left. 2 yrs ago he told me that our assets (which are in his name) would be willed to us 30% each, so he was treating me like one of our kids. There was no acknowledgement of my contribution to the relationship, he feels that everything is his. It made me realise that this was not a 'couple' relationship and that although he did many things for me, and professed that his family was everything to him, it was really about him. Now, although our relationship was bad, being alone is worse. I realise that I had not factored in the aloneness I would feel. I have lost all my connections, my home and my kids 50% of the time. I grieve for what the relationship should have been, and sometimes I grieve for those brief times when we had some happiness. Can anyone tell me when this gets better, it has been 2 months and I am crying every day at the moment. I have some good friends and family, and a good job, but I don't know what to do. Should I go back and put up with the misery, or stick it out in my flat and try and pick up the pieces somehow?

S18 Need to talk, but no one to talk to!
  • replies: 12

Hi guys, I'm new to this website and I have joined seeking someone to listen and to confide in as at the moment I feel like their is just no one I can speak to about what I am currently going through!I have a lot of friends but not any that I can pro... View more

Hi guys, I'm new to this website and I have joined seeking someone to listen and to confide in as at the moment I feel like their is just no one I can speak to about what I am currently going through!I have a lot of friends but not any that I can properly talk to and confide in until I met my boss. We first started chatting and it was just about work etc and slowly the chat got more and more off topic and we became really close friends. He is honestly the only person I feel like I can just be myself with and talk to about anything besides my partner. As this relationship grew strong naturally some feelings started to pop up (more on his behalf , but a bit on mine too) and he made it pretty clear to me that he finds it too hard for us to chat all the time like we have done for so long because he wants more. We decided after a long chat that it would be in both of our best interests that we text and talk less and only see each other at work (once a week) or in small groups so their was no temptations ( I am engaged happily with a baby). And while I thought this was going to be hard and sad as we spoke so regularly I accepted because that's what needed to happen.last night I received a message from him saying that it was the last message he would be sending me ever and that he was deleting my number following the message and request for me to do the same also. I'm feeling absolutely gutted that we can go from being such good best friends to him cutting all ties and going to the extent of deleting my number and being so harsh in doing so. It's like there is a piece of me missing and honestly my heart actually hurts and I'm just on the verge of crying all the time. I can't talk to my partner or my family because of the feelings that were shared and I don't want my partner to get cross with him. And most of my other friends are work colleagues and really shouldn't know about this. I don't know if I'm being silly or what butI' m just feeling so low and hurting inside and I really just needed to tell someone that would listen beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Frenchie2817 Please help me to understand...!
  • replies: 6

Hi there! So basically I moved overseas with my partner for a few years & within that time both of my best friends (of 15 years) got married within 6 months. Due to financial reasons I couldn't afford to go back once let alone twice within 6 months s... View more

Hi there! So basically I moved overseas with my partner for a few years & within that time both of my best friends (of 15 years) got married within 6 months. Due to financial reasons I couldn't afford to go back once let alone twice within 6 months so I chose not to go to either. The result of that was I lost them & everyone else around me. I have since come home & I'm struggling with having no friends around & I don't know what I can do to make it better. I've tried countless times to apologise but neither of them want to hear it nor do they understand. I've deleted all social media cause I cannot handle seeing it all anymore & it was making me feel borderline suicidal. How do I start all over again? How do I make new friends? Frenchie2817

Woody123 How to I find happiness again?
  • replies: 5

I'm an easy going guy who is new to Beyond Blue though I have been suffering from depression for a long time. I have always gone that extra step to try to help other people who have problems yet I feel so isolated in my own personal pain. I came to A... View more

I'm an easy going guy who is new to Beyond Blue though I have been suffering from depression for a long time. I have always gone that extra step to try to help other people who have problems yet I feel so isolated in my own personal pain. I came to Australia 10 years ago with my wife of 19 years and my young son. It started out by being a wonderful experience and there is no reason why I shouldn't be happy here. I am older than my wife by 11 years. I am now 65 and she is 53 though she looks 20 years younger. For most of my marriage she was loving and devoted then, overnight, she suddenly changed. For the past 5 years she has been argumentative to the extreme and she did everything possible to force me out of the house. Apparently, she got some advice about the divorce laws in Australia and the division of assets. She took out an intervention order on me which keeps me out of my home and curtails any communication between us. She tried to claim child support from me but that backfired as my son has chosen to live with me (he was under stress too). She is now after her share of the marital assets which will leave me with insufficient for my retirement. My real loss is the love that I had for her and the sense of rejection that I feel. We have been separated for 11 months and I must now enter into the divorce process. Where has love gone? How can someone I've devoted my life to change so quickly and so violently?

Progmaster Abandoned by a close friend
  • replies: 6

Hey all, my name is Matt and I have Bipolar II and Aspergers. I recently chose to end a friendship with a girl who I work with and is quite a bit younger than me (and it was a friendship, nothing more). We shared a lot of laughs, went to see bands to... View more

Hey all, my name is Matt and I have Bipolar II and Aspergers. I recently chose to end a friendship with a girl who I work with and is quite a bit younger than me (and it was a friendship, nothing more). We shared a lot of laughs, went to see bands together, shared the same sense of humour and just really clicked. She is a much more guarded person than me, however, and she became a little less comfortable after I told her about my condition and symptoms. But we remained close and she said she would always be there for me. One time, I had a major alcoholic meltdown in front of her and her friends. A couple of months later, we were both drunk and got into a shouting match because I made a statement and she loudly belittled my statement with opinions I found totally offensive. I didn't talk to her for a week but we patched it up. Around this time, I started going to the gym, rarely drinking, jogging, entering fun runs, all of which made me feel so much better. I maintain this lifestyle to this day. Anyway, while I was making all this effort and being much more positive, this is the time my friend decides to give me really negative, passive aggressive vibes whenever I tried to have a conversation. This went on for months, I was feeling belittled and humiliated and one time when I asked to eat lunch with her, she lied that she was going to be out of the office to avoid having to eat lunch with me. We were once such close friends and even though my behaviour was sometimes far from perfect, I always learned from my mistakes and was overall a really loyal and supportive friend to her. She even helped organise a mental health workshop through her sporting club! So, finally, after months of negative vibes from her while I'm doing everything possible to improve myself, I recently unfriended her on Facebook and sent her a lengthy but very respectful message explaining that I was going to cut her loose as a friend and pointing out her strange, cold behaviour to me during an overall positive time in my life. She messaged back that things sometimes run their course, that she supposed she had changed but that was natural too. So now we are just work colleagues. Even though I feel the final result is for the best, I am still confused, upset and hurt that this once very close friendship has died. She was one of my very best friends but now I feel raw, hurt and abandoned. I've never had such a close friend freeze me out before. Any advice to help me feel better?

Emski Depressed and getting to the point of uncertainty
  • replies: 5

I' ve been battling depression for the last 13 years, I never thought I had depression until I saw my doctor. I was bullied from grade 5&6 all the way through high school. At first I thought and was convinced that I was the problem because I wasn't s... View more

I' ve been battling depression for the last 13 years, I never thought I had depression until I saw my doctor. I was bullied from grade 5&6 all the way through high school. At first I thought and was convinced that I was the problem because I wasn't sure why I'd always end up with no friends, then I came to realise I was being bullied because people didn't like me.I grew up in the eastern Suburbs of Melbourne and ended up moving to the West when I was 11 (this is when my depression started) I hated that we moved as I lost all of my friends. When I started at my new school I made friends although I was shy at first, not long after I was picked on by a girl who I thought was my friend, this then spiralled as she told the other girls not to like me. Most people thought I was a rich little kid as I always had nice things, and without sound like an idiot I was actually a pretty cute little kid, fair hair, tanned skin etc, as a result jealousy would always come into play. I never went around acting like I was better than anyone and I certainly wasn't, all I wanted to do was fit in.As a result of the bullying I decided to leave high school and start working so I got a full time job. I made friends with some great people who I adore. Few yrs later I ended up changed jobs. I kept in contact with a few girls who I loved very much, one of the girls became my soul mate, we would talk every day. I opened up to her and told her my life story, she too went through depression. She even dragged me to the doctors once as knew that I was troubled, a few years later she ended up killing herself, I had no idea this was even on her mind as she always seemed so happy (I do this too.. put on a happy face when deep down it hurts).Having lost my only true friend I didn't know what to do, I ended up in a car accident (hoping it was the end but it wasn't, I even closed my eyes and relaxed). I got addicted to pain killers and started drinking alcohol. My life was a mess! I was even living on my own so no one was able to see the state I was in. I then turned to illegal drugs.Today I am proud to say that I'm clean, I'm not drinking or taking drugs, I've been trying to get my life back on track but I often question why I'm even bothering, what do I have to live for? this crosses my mind on a weekly if not daily basis. I have no friends, people think my life is perfect but it's not. I don't even feel like I belong to my own family.Not sure where to go or what to do..beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

whitesdream Recently separated and so scared of being alone
  • replies: 2

After 18 years together I split up with my partner about a month ago. The whole thing is very difficult to explain in a few words, but I will try. I’m a very emotional and caring person and all I want in life is to be happy and to be with someone tha... View more

After 18 years together I split up with my partner about a month ago. The whole thing is very difficult to explain in a few words, but I will try. I’m a very emotional and caring person and all I want in life is to be happy and to be with someone that cares for me as much as I care for them. I have little self confidence and suffered from depression right through my teens and mid twenties. I haven't suffered from the depression much for more than 10 years expect from dealing with a fairly serious chronic back issue. The problems that lead to me leaving my partner basically stem from my emotional needs and her not being in touch with her emotions at all and, though she is in many ways a very caring person, the way she shows it is very very limited. After years of my affection being ignored or not reciprocated, plus her work taking precedence over almost everything, I was left feeling very lonely and unloved in the relationship. I just couldn’t handle it anymore and decided it was time to move on. Its been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, I’m so scared of being alone and I constantly question whether it was the right thing to do. I’ve now moved out, leaving an amazing home, nearly all my belongings and my cats and am living in a pretty crummy rented place with a fairly small room as my space. My moods/feelings are very up and down and some days I struggle a lot, feeling very lonely and depressed. I try to keep as busy as possible to keep my mind off the bad stuff. The only thing that is keeping me going right now is having met a beautiful and caring girl, who I’ve been seeing pretty much since splitting with my ex. She makes me feel things I never thought possible and things seem to be going fairly well, though my recently ended long term relationship and my somewhat excessive enthusiasm for her are freaking her out a bit. When I’m with her I’m completely happy, but as soon as I’m away from her, I’m straight back to feeling extremely down and depressed. She’s going away for 3 weeks in October and I’m really scared how I will handle this time alone. I’m so paranoid that I’m going to mess things up with her and if I end up alone I'm very scared that I will slip into a severe depression and won't have any will to li