Can I trust this person?

[Mark h]

Hi everyone

I would really love to grab YOUR advice and help with an issue I am facing currently.

I begin by telling you that I was married for 22 years and unfortunately that ended in separation 3 years ago now. This ended due to infidelity on my ex wife's side and so I spent 14 months on my own to get myself back on track with the help of my two amazing boys. It was tough but I got through it.

Back in Feb 2022 I met a new lady who I fell in love with very quickly. We were the same person, we liked the same things, we were inseparable. In March this year, this lady moved into my property to see if we could actually live together which I believed was the next progression after 13 months of being together. It was at this point things started going wrong. This person started having monthly cycles where she became highly unreasonable, I didn't feel safe. I was shouted at, screamed at occasionally and the things that were said were unrationable. After seeing a health professional she was told that she was in full Menopause as well as suffering with depression. I was fine with this and was here to support in any way I could but the monthly cycles increased and I just wasn't coping. I lost my identity or sense of purpose. I even ended up staying out driving fearful of coming back to my home. 

Five weeks ago, I ended the relationship. I just didn't see a future and she ended moving back into her brothers house being that she had sold her family home months before. Everybody including me, told her not to do this but there was no telling her unfortunately. She is obviously now facing a challenging time with no home to go to but she also has the funds from her house sale which is substantial.

I feel incredibly guilty for ending this. I still love this person, she keeps telling me that she wants to come back and make everything work. She sees her mistakes and wants to be with me. Unfortunately I have been told that she has been seeing other men and even went on dates two weeks after we separated. Today I asked her if she has been seeing anyone and she has told me that she went back on a dating app called Hinge but she is not interested anymore and wants to be back. I don't know if I can trust this person to not fall back into old ways. I love her, I have feelings but how do I forgive and accept her into the home after everything? I am a very passive person and very non confrontational. People that surround her say that she is focussed on money and has narcisistic qualities? I am being told it's in my best interests to stay away BUT why do I feel drawn to try and make this work?

Any help or advice you can share would be extremely beneficial.

M

[white knight]

Hi M, welcome

I'd like to share with you a few life experiences that might help you make that decision.

I was once living with a woman for 10 years and early on a few things happened that I should have noticed was substantial to our future. She didnt like children, I had 2, then 8 and 5yo, girls, every 2nd weekend and after a few months I wanted a photo of her and my kids. When about to take the pic I noticed she had her arms around the girls but oddly, wasnt touching them. I asked her to hug them properly because it would look odd in the picture.. she stormed off. My first realisation there was an issue. That issue only got worse over the years yet, her teenage children I treated much better. During that time I was diagnosed with bipolar + other things and she had become a closet alcoholic. After a while when found out she blamed her addiction on- my kids and my bipolar. I also found that her reall issue with my kids was jealousy. I wished I had listened to my gut feeling. It ended soon after that. It lasted 10 years but should have not lasted 10 weeks.

I'd like to talk about guilt, it is a terrible thing to have that often leads us to do things in response to such grief rather than looking after ourselves. Sensitive, caring people are also like honey to a bee and we tend to be attractive to those that like to dominate. I dont doubt that this lady's up and down cycles wont disappear, things might well be ok for a while then... Rumours from others is mere confirmation.

Worrying about her decisions of living arrangements is not your concern, but I'm sure she will make it yours as a tool to lever herself back in your life. As a non confrontational person the last thing you need is- well, confrontation. That is part of her make up. Also she made the decision to sell her house, she could have rented it out for a while. 

As significant as a garden gnome... when charity doesnt begin at home...

'

I have a few posts I'd like you to read, just the first page of each below-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/worry-worry-worry/td-p/87808

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor/td-p/321604

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/fortress-of-survival/td-p/216226

I'd be interested in your thoughts.

TonyWK

[Mark h]

Thanks Tony

That all makes perfect sense. It's good to hear your comments.

I loved reading your 'Guilt The Tormentor' page, this resonated the most with me. I have such conflicting thoughts and feelings. One half of me wants to see if this can work, see if there is something that can be salvaged and then the other half is telling me to run for the hills. Last night I was told by her brother that she has been on 4 other dates with men since I separated 5 weeks ago and that one is serious and that they have already slept together. So why in this case am I so drawn to not let her go. Everybody around me tells me that I need to lock her out of my life but it wasn't all bad and I did fall in love with her, it's not as easy for me to let go and move on without exhausting everything I have.

I did tell her to rent her house out for 12 months, then she would have a second income coming through but it wasn't an option. Unfortunately once this lady makes a decision, it's quite final.

Maybe I am completely kidding myself. I am a good person so I have no idea why this is happening. I am strong though and can get through.

Best

Mark

[randomxx]

Hi there op .

l'm very sorry about how things have panned out but also sorry to say that she is just no good for you.

And unfortunately l'm very familiar with menopause to as my ex w went through it and my partner now has been 3yrs now too and yeah , you bet it can some some very wacky things to some women, totally change them and swings left n right. But l think it's more than that with her sorry to say.

Even the fact she's of dating again already but all the other stuff you've talked about too , and you weren't even living together very long but yet already it turned out the way it did, l'd call that an omen. But then people are telling you things too, that's never a good sign and money and narcissistic, mannnn, about the two worst traits a woman could have, especially for a gentle and good hearted man.

After our divorce there was someone else before my partner now- mind you, we're having some issues atm too but with some time to think about it l'm realizing it's mainly circumstances and that she's such an extremely kind and supportive soul at heart , 5 yrs and not a doubt in mind about that.

But the first gf before her, yeah , there were def' things going on. l was madly in love and she was overwhelmingly loving and fun too but then there were these things goin on too. A bit like Tony's she tried to separate me from my daughter which no hope in hell l was having, family too, lot of other weird stuff too, filthy temper too, stuff, sadly there were signs everywhere.

People told me things too but l so wanted it to be wrong. Anyway that ended and not well , later on l met the incredible person l've been with since.

At any rate, don't feel guilty she's got a load in the bank , she's out meeting new men , she''ll be just fine , listen to Toney listen, your gut, things people have told you and your own short time with her, is my vote.

All the best.

rx

[white knight]

Thanks RX,

MARK, falling in love is not unlike an addiction for some, hard to let go. Those that don't love deeply, won't relate to that deep love. But deep love overrides logic. That logic is "run for the hills".

Maintaining contact won't help. This is not a "remain friends" situation. 

The one thing that might not have been realised is your capacity to love and be loved, again. 

After 3 long term relationships I made the decision that my next relationship is going to be my soul mate or be alone. Luckily she turned out to be my best friend for 25 years. 

An old man once told me "never go backwards ". 

Please google- queen witch hermit waif. It might be helpful it may not.

TonyWK

[macfan6]

Hi,

I'm sorry that things haven't worked out for you lately. I believe that you have made the right decision with this woman. A lot of people in abusive relationships, have trouble leaving, as they tell themselves that it isn't too bad, or that the person is getting better. From what her friends are saying, it sounds like it is more than menopause. I wonder if that is a cover up for her real personality. Unfortunately sometimes you see the real person when you move in together. I remember a long time ago (in my early 20's) I had this really good friend. One day he suggested that we start dating. That's when I saw a totally different person. He was very self focused for a start. Personally I would recommend that you don't get back together. I think your feeling of being drawn to try again is normal. As they say "a leopard doesn't change their spots." I can understand that it is very hard right now, as you still love her. But I think that it is in your best interests to just be friends. Sometimes things don't work out. And that's ok.

[Emotions26]

Hello Mark H,

You do sound like a very caring, likeable person who wants to have a loving relationship where both people treat each other with respect.

One where each other's feelings are taken into consideration and respected.

A relationship where each is allowed their own space and this is respected.

One where existing children, if any, are also treated with respect.

One where it is not hard to admit if a mistake is made and sit down to talk it through. Hear both opinions and work out how to help each other address each hiccup as they arise.

They will arise as that is part of having a relationship with someone.

This lady did not respect you or your children.

Have you heard the term rebound? Entering into another relationship is difficult enough only one year after a long term marriage. Moving in together so soon is a milestone and fraught with danger regardless of the personalities and character traits.

It can be easy to also confuse the feeling of wanting to be in a relationship with someone and wanting to be in a relationship with the person whom you are currently with.

You loved your wife clearly and I believe that you said that you still do understandably.

You are missing that kind of love and that kind of relationship when it was working.

Having some time to yourself and enjoying the company of your children is a gift for you; waiting.

They grow up so very quickly and before you know it you might not see them as much as you want to.

If they start their own relationships your relationship with them changes slightly.

You can also take some time to discover more about yourself as a person. You are a father but also an individual.

You are a person not in any relationship and that gives you time to be you.

All of this will build the inner strengths and awareness of self.

You will eventually; should you meet someone else be better prepared for the ongoing working at being in a relationship which never stops. It just changes.

I hope that you can learn to be more comfortable with your own company and not only you but your children will benefit from this as they have quality time with their dad.

There is no rush even though it might feel that way.

When you are more aware of who you are; you will attract and be attracted to likewise.

This is also an ongoing lesson.

You already have some insight as you have written about this on here.

You are still caught up in the love from your first marriage and yearning to have more of that love.

Your next love will be different as you are different people.

With the right person it can be beautiful in it's own way.

I hope that this does not sound unkind or judgemental.

I am hoping that you can step back and look at your situation from a different perspective.

You have done nothing wrong.

All the best whatever you decide to do.

Emotions26

[Gossamerose]

Hi, your post heading says it all.

You have your own answer. 

Trust your gut feeling.