Broken up by my depressed boyfriend

[Sunshine11]

I feel so broken and lost. My partner of 5 years has told me he needs to be by himself to heal as he is so depressed and struggling to be happy with life and his self worth. It came out of nowhere, we have so much love for eachother and never had any relationship issues besides his side of opening up with communication, due to childhood trauma from his parents not allowing him to in a safe space. We talked about our future with how many kids we’d want, holiday trips, future plans and found out he did want to engage to me. Then a few days later he told me he can’t do this anymore. I want to support him as much as I can. He asked and hopes for us to stay friends as he says he doesn’t want to lose me, but i explained I don’t know if I can be just friends as I can’t suppress my feelings for him. I want to offer him to go back on a break (which we first tried, but I struggled as I thought I had done something wrong and he didn’t want me. So he’s now explained that’s not the case; but because he is struggling mentally). But I’m unsure if he will take up that offer and it will hurt me more if he’s not open to it. I just want him to know that I’m happy to wait for him to be his better self he keeps talking about. He is in a tragic state himself, both crying our hearts out and saying we miss each other and love each other. I’ve mentioned he should see a therapist as what he’s been trying to fix himself by for the last three months has done nothing. But he’s hesitant about it. He told his friend two weeks ago he wants to be with me but doesn’t know how to, if he can’t love himself he can’t give me love. Then two days ago he says he’s still not ready as he asked to catch up and for us to hopefully stay friends. I don’t know what to do, I’m so broken, I don’t want to lose him, my body is going through withdrawal from the person that I love so much and I’m spiralling with my mental health over this loss. I’m scared once he’s better that I won’t be the lucky girl to see him as his healed self that he’s happy with. Everyone is saying to give up on hope but how do I just give up and not try my best to be there for him when he is struggling with himself. You can’t just leave someone you love struggling when they open up about being depressed and feeling lonely. He says it’s not fair for me to wait but I want him to know I’m happy to without putting pressure on him. 

[white knight]

Hi Sunshine, welcome

I'm so sorry to read about your plight. Separation is a soul destroying experience that takes time for the grief to dissipate. 

I've had 3 previous long term relationships of 7,11 and 10 years in length and married happily now for 14 years. So each time you'd think it got easier- it doesnt and when kids are involved its 10 times worse. So let me share with you to ease the hurt.

• Keep really busy. My 1st marriage of 11 years 2 kids left me distraught but once I bought a block of land and worked on that and built my own house I was too tired to think about my ex wife anymore. Hobbies, social places etc.
• It is rare that a partner will "sort themselves out" alone and separated only to return to you. 
• When someone has trauma in their past that leaves them indecisive, and non committal it is also rare for them to change to be the opposite. That isnt about love, he might well love you, but as for spending his life with you fully committed he might not have the capacity to do that. This makes it really difficult for both of you. It's torturous. 
• If you separate be really certain and convinced of any move he want to make to reunite. What can happen is he leave, reunites and a cycle begins particularly with indecisive people. My first love for 7 years- every week she left a note when I got home from work, "sorry but I cant stay with you, talk soon". But I loved her. I hung on for 7 years and did myself no favours as it failed in the long term. 20 years went by and we bumped into one another. She had a boyfriend of 2 years and I asked her how many notes she left him... she froze, yep many, she was still indecisive.
• When you are alone take the time to relax and discover yourself. It's an opportunity.
• Grief cant be rushed, the hurt is unimaginable, but you'll get through it and if you then meet a decisive person with plans you might think you were better off. Regardless of the level of love you have for this guy you can love someone else.    

I hope you are ok. Remember, you deserve the best and real full love means all the planets aline with all topics without the trauma.

Reply anytime.  TonyWK

[ViolettaZ]

Hi Sunshine 11,

From your words, I can really feel how much you love him and how much pain you're in right now. A five-year relationship is not something you can just let go of. Since he has been a part of your everyday life for such a long time, it makes sense that memories flood back, your body reacts, and it feels like a withdrawal, it's a very real response to loss.

The fact that you still think about how to protect him and be there for him, even when he is at his lowest and most closed off, shows how kind and loving you are. 

Strong emotions can sometimes make it harder to think clearly or make balanced decisions. When you say, “Everyone is telling you to give up hope,” it might be worth pausing to think about that. Do they really know you and your partner well? When they suggest giving up, are they offering clear and thoughtful reasons, or just reacting out of concern? It may help to reflect on this part more carefully.

I really feel for you, because while you’re worrying about him, you’re carrying so much on your own. I just want to gently remind you that your feelings matter too. You don’t have to make any decisions right now, and you don’t need to force yourself to move on. Going slowly, one day at a time, is okay.

Whatever you choose next, whether it's staying close, waiting, or taking a little space to breathe, I really encourage you to prioritize your well-being and feelings. You’ve already done so much. You are not alone, and I truly hope you can be kind to yourself and give yourself a big hug 🙂

Warm regards🤗

ViolettaZ

[therising]

Hi Sunshine11

I feel for you both so much as you both struggle with such an enormous and heartbreaking set of challenges. 

I'm wondering whether you're both coming to define what the friendship entails. What I mean is 

• How often are you going to catch up and where are you going to catch up? Are you going to catch up for 'emergency meetings', where emotional support from a trusted friend is really needed?
• What things are you going to talk about? Could that include touching base on mental health and even soulful or soul destroying kinds of challenges to share and make greater sense of together?
• Is the friendship going to be a casual friendship or is there the intention of developing it into a deep friendship?
• Do you both have no intentions at all when it comes to starting an intimate relationship with someone else in the near future?

and things along those lines. With the last two points, could this end up being a time in your lives where it's all about developing the friendship side of what was once an intimate relationship. Could the friendship end up becoming incredibly deep and constructive when it comes to a mental and soulful sense of wellbeing for the both of you? Could it end up becoming a 'friends with benefits' kind of relationship down the track (if you get my meaning). Could it eventually return to a full relationship, even greater and stronger than it was before this really testing time? On the other hand, if this time in your life involves the end of an intimate relationship with your partner, with the idea of him or you meeting a future partner, that's a whole other story. 

Do you feel he's be open to discussing this kind of vision, solely working on developing your friendship together to begin with and then seeing where that leads down the track? Can two separate paths (friendships) run parallel to each other before connecting or re-connecting to become something more? In some cases this is known to happen. Btw, it's interesting how different an intimate relationship can be or feel at times compared with an incredibly deep friendship. While we may not be prepared to leave our comfort zone or do something in particular for our partner, we may not hesitate to go outside the square for a friend who we'd do just about anything for. Some people are blessed to have the best of both worlds, a deep friendship within an intimate relationship.🙂

[Sunshine11]

Thank you so much for your kind words. Trying to remind myself to give myself a hug on my hard days 

[randomxx]

Have come across this so many times since it happened to me about 2yrs back.

Tony wk up there told me something like he told you there to back then and something like he'd never heard of someone truly loving their partner but leaving bc of depression .

l didn't agree then but things over this last 2yrs since that l've seen with her , heard, l think he was right.

Things your bf's told you are almost identical to things she'd told me. l was extremely supportive as we still kept in touch for around 18mths after but kept hearing all the same stuff.

l do think she does love me in her own cultural way, she's European and he might well too, but it's not the right kind of love enough to want to go on.

She's told me 100 times how much she loves me but l was still getting all the same crap l'm sorry to say.

So sorry to say again but l agree with your friends , right kind of love in all the right ways and he'd want to stay, she would've too, her culture or not.

[Sunshine11]

I met up with him yesterday to try and make a decision on where we are at. I wrote up a letter to read to him so I didn’t ramble off track. He listened to it all and told me he appreciated it so much. I asked if we could call it a relationship break instead of nothing, as last week we stopped the one we were on as there was a huge misunderstanding on the one we just tried for two months. I thought it was because I had done something wrong, that he didn’t love or like me anymore, not because of how bad his mental health was. We met up last week as his friend had pressured him to decide to keep ‘stringing’ me along with the unknown or to try our relationship again. That’s when he told me he is still not ready/healed with himself. That catch up he explained that I am the most amazing person and I did nothing wrong and he doesn’t want to lose me. Told me he wants to see me again before I decide if we would be just friends or nothing. Fast forward to yesterday where I read out my letter and hoping to call it a break with no time pressure so we can focus on ourselves but to be loyal to eachother, as we have done over a year long distance relationship before as my job moved me overseas. I felt guilty regards it, he was patient with me, and that is what I’m trying to offer him. I know it’s different circumstance, but I was trying to remind him that I am willing to wait for him to be happy with himself again. We talked about my request and he explained that it is still pressure and stress knowing that I will be waiting for him, and he doesn’t know how long it will take for him. He keeps saying it’s unfair for me needing to wait since he doesn’t know when he will be good again. The reason he wants to stay friends is because he doesn’t want to lose the person that means so much to him. He told me he is still in love with me, but it’s not fair how he has been treating me and that he can be a better boyfriend (yet he has already been the most amazing person but sadly he can’t see that). I know at the moment he is consumed by a dark cloud, he wakes up everyday hating something about himself, so he has no energy to exert to someone else at this point in time. I told him in my letter asking for a break that I’m willing to stay as a friend as support but only if he promises to see a professional, but he closes up when anyone mentions to see one. He said he hates talking about his feelings and situation but I explained that he can’t keep putting them under the rug because one day it will unfold again and it will be a repeated cycle, it’s not the way to heal to hide your emotions. But I had to stop talking about that important topic as he said it makes him uncomfortable. He says he isn’t planning on meeting any other girl as his focus is for him, but I explained if I’m ever to find out you were with someone else before trying again with me and giving us a 2nd shot that it will destroy me. He slightly mentioned to see where we could eventually go again, but with guarantee as he keeps saying it’s not fair for me to wait. It’s just so hard as we still have so much love for eachother and it’s not one sided, we are each-others best friend and always been there for one another going through tough times in life. He kept cuddling and wanting to be near me and he says he’s devastated not knowing if I’m doing ok each day and I’m always welcome to call him if I need, but I know it hurts him as he says it reminds him of what he’s doing to me. He wants me to let him go as he doesn’t feel like he’s worth it, and I can tell he can’t wrap his head around why I’m being supportive when it hurts me. I told him that’s what people do for the ones they love. I’m your best friend, I can’t leave a best friend when they are struggling. He looked so defeated when I caught up with him yesterday, and I’ve never seen him in such a state. Hadn’t slept, hadn’t eaten and I told him to put away his ‘mask’ as he doesn’t need to pretend around me like he does around others. He said he was scared on what decision I was gonna make of at least staying friends or completely leaving and never hearing from me again. Besides the chats about our situation, we enjoyed each others company and I could see some light in his eyes again when I encouraged him to talk about the things he’s been interested in, as I’m usually the first person he tells but he hasn’t been able to. So it was really nice and comforting to see and we had some laughs. We didn’t come to an agreement as he was stuck in his mindset and I’m stuck in my mindset of how things should go, but I left my letter for him to read again when he is comfortable to do so. 

[therising]

Hi Sunshine11

You're such a beautiful and thoughtful person. It's understandable why he still wants and needs you in his life.

It was some time ago when I was led to the realisation on the forums here, thanks to White Knight (aka Tony), how waiting can impact my life. Ever since then, I try not to simply wait for people or situations to change. I've found it can be about what we can achieve while we're waiting. Maybe this is something you can reassure your partner/friend about, 'Don't worry, no pressure, I will not simply wait for you to feel some sense of progress. I plan to achieve a number of things in the lead up to you feeling the difference you're so desperate to feel'. 

I suppose the question now is 'What would you like to achieve within what feels like a waiting period?'. Would you like to gain some knowledge in regard to mental challenges? Would like like to explore a somewhat different part of the rabbit hole, a more soulful direction? Would it be of any interest to develop a physical understanding of how we humans tick and what influences our chemistry and energy levels? You could be so busy down that rabbit hole that there's been virtually no time to wait, your focus has not been on waiting. Could you reap the benefits of researching? For example, while researching how eastern cultures vs western cultures view mental health and emotions, could it offer you some personal revelations while leading you to experience a sense of excitement and direction? Could it lead you to ideas, emotions and more that you've never experienced before? The reason I mention this comes from my own experience. While simply hoping and waiting for my husband to change in certain ways, I felt so much of what was depressing, heartbreaking, frustrating etc. I decided to stop simply waiting and research instead. I began to discover so much down that rabbit hole of greater self understanding. Instead of feeling my husband not changing in any significant way, I felt myself changing (my mind, my outlook and beliefs, my feelings/emotions and so on). I gained a much better understanding of why and how my husband ticks the way he does, on top of it all.