It's been 3 months since I found out my long term partner was unfaithful. I ended the relationship the moment the words left her mouth and I have been in complete agony ever since. She was my first love, we were together for 5 years and I was addicted to her; that's the only appropriate way to describe it- an addiction.
When we met, I was already spiralling into depression. I was 15 and had to move out of home because my family life was in shambles. I met my ex at my first ever job. I fell hard and I fell quickly. It was a desperate love and that is the most dangerous type of all.
She supported me through many depressive episodes and anxiety attacks. She was like my rock and it was as if she alone kept my feet on the ground. I had no independence in the relationship. I have been studying at uni (which I've had to put on hold for a little while) and she was working. She had her licence, I didn't. She had many friends, I didn't. I paid my share of the bills but she always made me feel like I wasn't doing enough, and she was probably right. I completely isolated myself, and now that she is gone I don't know how to bring myself back to the land of the living. I feel like I've died on the inside. I had to move out of the apartment we shared to stay with my mum. After living out of home for 6 years, it hasn't been easy to adjust. The depression is also getting much, much worse. Not only do I now have suicidal thoughts, my pent up anger has been leading them in vengeful directions. It really scares me. I've never felt so much hostility in my life. I am a nervous wreck. I broke down the other day and started beating my mattress with the broom. My family aren't very helpful. I feel like I can't actually express my emotions and vent to them because they think I should be over it by now. They think I want to spend my days brooding. That I chose to stay up into the early hours of the morning. That I don't want my life to move forward. And they're wrong. I want to get over this, I just don't have the energy and feel like my ability to hold on is running thin.
I don' t know what to do about the mess my life is in. I would love to stand on a mountain top and scream until my voice disappears or go into the kitchen and break every glass in the cupboard or punch a boxing bag until my knuckles are red-raw.
I know it wasn't easy for my ex to keep up with the depression, but I loved her with everything I had. Itkills me that it wasn't enough.
Off to doctors tomorrow!
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1. Hi there Rosie Lee
2. Thank you so much for coming here and providing your post; and welcome to Beyond Blue.
3. A first love that continued for so long; things like that do take time to get over. And get over it, you will; but after just 3 months, the loss of what you had still runs very deep for you – it is still very raw. All the things you had and shared – are still thoughts that are burned deep. And on top of that, you have your depression that you are dealing with also.
4. I was so very pleased to read your last part of your post – “off to the doctor’s tomorrow”. BRILLIANT.
Coming here is a positive step forward – it’s a wonderful community here and everyone is treated with care, respect, given guidance when needed and above all else, support is given. Your other very good step forward has been that of making that appointment to the doctor. Professional advice and support is very much needed in this case as well, so I’m really pleased this is happening.
I’m also pleased to read that you do want to move on and rightly so. Now we need to provide some thoughts, advice as to how that is to take place. I know you mentioned a lack of energy for things; but may I ask what are some of your interests? Music, sports, fitness activities of any kind, movies – I could go on, but I’ll let you fill in the rest. Is it possible that you can set little goals with yourself to try to target something that may interest you?
I’ll send this off to you now, but would really love to hear back from you.
I had to read your post twice. Not because I am an idiot, but because you are very mature for your age. Your description of your situation is very insightful.
My friend Neil is absolutely right. (I am an old guy like him, and had my heart broken once or twice.) The pain subsides. I can imagine it is very difficult to go back home after moving out. It is never easy to get a taste of independence and being able to set your own rules and then lose those freedoms. Maybe it won't be for long!
I cannot see any reason why you cannot scream into your pillow, or go to the gym and punch that bag until it hurts. Venting physically is very helpful (I think) to depression and anxiety. There is heaps of literature about it online, for example;
Good luck at the Doctor's. It is a positive and helpful step. You may qualify for a mental health plan which will give you free or heavily subsidised access to a psychologist.
Please let us know how you go. The site is anonymous and safe.
Kind regards, John.
I'm so glad you posted your story and so grateful that you have shared your experience. Though my relationship was not as long as yours I'm still feeling that intense loss after nearly 3 months. My heart definitely goes out to you as I know how unbelievably betrayed you must feel right now. Where you said you loved your ex partner with everything you had I can definitely relate. Some days I feel so angry that what I had to give wasn't good enough but other days I can almost accept that maybe it just wasn't the right time for both of us. Your anger I can totally agree with and like the posts below say I think you and I would definitely benefit from getting hobbies and being active. Again thank you for sharing it's hard to think other people are going through the same thing as you when you are so lost in your pain but just know that people like me definitely understand and can relate. X
It's been over a year since I posted this and my life has changed dramatically 🙂 life did go on. It got a lot worse for me before it got better. I found myself homeless around June/July last year and there were days when I had to go hungry. But the lady I had volunteered for in the local supermarket took me in and she was the most supportive and caring person. She showed me the value of hard work and pushed me to be a better version of myself. I landed a job in a 4 star hotel with her encouragement and I now work full time hours. I started driving lessons again and hope to have my licence someday soon.
After years of being caged by crippling anxiety, I've finally broken free. The next time you're scared to step out of your comfort zone, repeat to yourself 'feel the fear and do it anyway'. Works for me!! It reminds me that the fear is normal and it shouldn't hold me back from living my life to the fullest.
Hi RosieLee. Lynda is my name. I read your previous heart broken story and I really felt for you. Congratulations on being able to turn your life around. Your journey 'back' has been difficult, but with the right help and support, you did it. The anxiety you experienced must have been scary, but with this lady's never-ending support and encouragement, you managed to overcome your worst fears and have emerged, almost completely re-born. I'm hoping others may read your story and it will be a comfort and give them the courage they need to face their own 'monster's. Good on you.