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Broken heart that I can’t heal after divorce

Lauz22
Community Member

Hi all,

I am 27 and am going through a divorce from my partners of 10 years, 3 of those years we were married.

We met at the age of 17 and I have been codependent on him ever since.

Our relationship was extreme in both good and bad. He is someone like no other. His love was so strong and pure but he was very controlling and selfish.
Our relationship revolved around his wants and needs in life. He made all the big decisions, never saw me as an equal, had an extremely narrow mind of how we had to live our lives and forced me to do as he saw fit.

We had a wonderful, meaningful relationship before we got married.
But our marriage was toxic and abusive.
We were both wrong in our ways. We were verbally, emotionally and physically abusive towards each other.

It got so bad, that my mental health deteriorated and effected my physical heath.

I begged him to go to marriage counselling and he refused. Instead he got angry and lashed out as he usually does.

I saw no way out so I begged for a divorce. At first he refused and wanted to work things out. But I was at rock bottom I saw no way out and was suicidal at the thought of continuing our toxic marriage.

One day he picked up his belongings and walked out the house. That was the end.

I have spent this entire year in therapy to work through my feelings and to fix the problem.

I have gone from feeling suicidal in the marriage to now desperately wanting him back.

I feel I have worked on myself and grown. And that know what I need to do to change for a better relationship.
I have wrote heartfelt emails apologising, going in depth of the faults in me and the relationship and that if we both worked on ourselves and the relationship we could possibly make it work.

He has made comments such as

A part of him has died to let me go.
I am tainted and would rather have 5 failed relationships than be with me.
He no longer loves me.

It’s been 9 months and he has contacted lawyers regarding our divorce.

His love for me was second to none. He loved me unconditionally at my worst. I never in a million years thought he would give up his love on me.

I am struggling to accept it and am in denial that the relationship is over.

I truly believe no one will love me the way he did.

I am holding on to hope that one day he will come back to me and we could work things out.

I feel lost and empty all the time.
I feel my life has no purpose without him.

I feel I have nothing and am hopeless that there is no point of living without him.

81 Replies 81

Thanks rx

yep you’re right. We brought out the worst in each other. Despite if he reflects and changes I think he will need to find a partner that is more suited to his personality. Same for me. Hopefully I will find someone that will bring out the best in me without such struggles.
maybe it will make sense one day.

Take care rx

Hey lauz.

Tbh , l've been thinking a lot about my sitch with ex lately and just this last wk l've realized and finally put together what went on for me with her , for the first time in 41/2 yrs. l'm not sure but it could've been happening for her too , with me and maybe with you and your ex .l managed to put it down sort of straight in my own thread just last night , good therapy, and l'm been wondering if any of it'd ring a bell for you too.

l finally put together exactly why l wasn't my usual self with her and all the causes, l couldn't believe who l was with her sometimes , l never understood it and once she said to me too that she didn't like who she was becoming with me . Well these days now l know again now that l'm not like that with someone else , and maybe she wouldn't be either , or maybe you either, dunno about your ex though. But there are things in what you've said that point to it.

See, ex was although incredibly humble , giving and intensely loving on one hand , on the other she was also a fairly hard person , with a tough attitude , and defensive and hair triggered . Showing vulnerability fir her was like a weakness and as l was saying in my thread , she'd rarely rarely show the little girl within, Thing is , l couldn't be those ways with her either , she made me like that, it's the effect she had on me. lf l was it'd probably get thrown in my face later so l felt on guard and as if l had to be ready to defend or fight back at anytime , so careful at what l let her see. Jesus that sounds so effd up doesn't it , so opposite to the way it should be.

Since l've finally realized or maybe admitted to myself that that is how she effected me , now l just wonder , if l'd allowed myself to drop all that , would it had flowed through to her and in turn would she had dropped her hardness and gentled down too. l don't know. But there'snone of any of that with my gf now, we're the opposite in fact .

With you l can see it was a different type of thing and reasons but the effect might've still been much the same and causing you to act the way you had with him. Orrrr, maybe your always like that , what do you think , did you say you have bpd , sorry can't remember .

Anyway , thought l'd drop back and share my light bulb moment and maybe you relate and helps you figure things out too, or maybe not. rx.

ps , how have you been feeling and coping lately , hope your ok.