Broken heart that I can’t heal after divorce

[Lauz22]

Hi all,

I am 27 and am going through a divorce from my partners of 10 years, 3 of those years we were married.

We met at the age of 17 and I have been codependent on him ever since.

Our relationship was extreme in both good and bad. He is someone like no other. His love was so strong and pure but he was very controlling and selfish.
Our relationship revolved around his wants and needs in life. He made all the big decisions, never saw me as an equal, had an extremely narrow mind of how we had to live our lives and forced me to do as he saw fit.

We had a wonderful, meaningful relationship before we got married.
But our marriage was toxic and abusive.
We were both wrong in our ways. We were verbally, emotionally and physically abusive towards each other.

It got so bad, that my mental health deteriorated and effected my physical heath.

I begged him to go to marriage counselling and he refused. Instead he got angry and lashed out as he usually does.

I saw no way out so I begged for a divorce. At first he refused and wanted to work things out. But I was at rock bottom I saw no way out and was suicidal at the thought of continuing our toxic marriage.

One day he picked up his belongings and walked out the house. That was the end.

I have spent this entire year in therapy to work through my feelings and to fix the problem.

I have gone from feeling suicidal in the marriage to now desperately wanting him back.

I feel I have worked on myself and grown. And that know what I need to do to change for a better relationship.
I have wrote heartfelt emails apologising, going in depth of the faults in me and the relationship and that if we both worked on ourselves and the relationship we could possibly make it work.

He has made comments such as

A part of him has died to let me go.
I am tainted and would rather have 5 failed relationships than be with me.
He no longer loves me.

It’s been 9 months and he has contacted lawyers regarding our divorce.

His love for me was second to none. He loved me unconditionally at my worst. I never in a million years thought he would give up his love on me.

I am struggling to accept it and am in denial that the relationship is over.

I truly believe no one will love me the way he did.

I am holding on to hope that one day he will come back to me and we could work things out.

I feel lost and empty all the time.
I feel my life has no purpose without him.

I feel I have nothing and am hopeless that there is no point of living without him.

[Guest_1584]

He might've moreso just been in a panic to buy a house and get started too . Not making excuses for him but was he ambitious in that way l'm wondering ? lt's just that l got that way myself back when and would've bought anything that just got me started. Again just thoughts.

ps , contacted my ex through the wk , been so worried about her she's over in the US again now, anddd she works for the airlines , andddd her parents are very old and were in ltaly. l don't even know if they survived things there earlier in the year. Buttttt, l didn't hear back from her but the real thing is l can't feel her anymore now either. As soon as l wrote it l got immediate over riding feelings of just nothing , of it , us , everything , just being done. Just too long , too much water under the bridge , a just what's the point. But l'm glad l wrote none the less because that was exactly the other thing l was looking for in writing to her , l knew if l just did l'd feel what was happening either way with just us , and with my situation now l've just really needed to know that , a closure hopefully.So that l can finally focus on the now

l can still feel us thinking of each other but especially her also thinking that it's just no good and we just have to move on. Which in turn enables me to move on , so l'm really glad l did it as it's really the only way l could get a good read of the situation . l don't think l'll hear from her again now and l'm kind of relieved.

You might reach that point down the track somewhere with your h too lauz . maybe you reconnect but it's just gone , no will left to rekindle anything , and you'll have your closure too.

rx

[Lauz22]

Thanks heaps rx
As of recent, I can’t stop questioning why he is the way he is. More so why he won’t change his negative traits even after our painful divorce.

Agreed, labels and self diagnosis are over used. He is not a narcissist but I wonder what is it? Something is certainly off.
the behaviours I have described only touch the surface of his personality.
Yes he is a good person and had a good heart but that makes me wonder even more why he must be so controlling and what it is that’s off about him.
I’m leaning towards Asperger’s syndrome. He just could not tolerate change or not having control and would miss so many social cues.

Usually after something traumatic happens or something breaks down you reflect back and ask yourself what went wrong and try to fix it. regardless if we get back together or not - I can’t stop asking, why hasn’t he wanted to fix his behaviour patterns that led him to destruction?
I am trying to do everything possible to learn from my mistakes.
If he did this too we could work out but he doesn’t want that.

Unfortunately I feel if this doesn’t teach him a lesson or if this isn’t enough reason to reflect, I don’t think he ever will.

He is acting like I am the devil and source of all his pain yet he was wrong too and no one is perfect. I can’t see another woman putting up with his behaviour as much as I have!
But if we’re both wrong and work to be right it could possibly work out.

Ironically, over the past week we have a written offer for the sale of our house.
All weekend he has been a control freak, demanded I sign this and that, hounded me to do as he says.
It’s hurtful to see he is so determined to get me out of his life.. I feel like shit.
I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this.

[Lauz22]

Rx - regarding the house, this one is a second house which he decided to build a bigger, fancier, upgraded family home
We had a nice first home and there wasn’t much need to rush into upgrading.
Again, he completely controlled the situation and he gave me no say.
I understand what you’re saying, he panicked to provide a nice house for our future family. Had good intentions however went about it in the wrong way.

Interesting rx!
Before you reached out to her what did you expect? A reply or did you expect to feel differently to what you did?

How long has it taken you to get to this point?

I think it’s hard as you both somewhat have feelings but know it’s best to be apart.
I think my ExH is just so done with me and wants me gone... I wouldn’t be surprised if he moves on in a few months.

[Guest_1584]

Hi lauz .

But from what you said you certainly dished out some shit too yeah , so that's build up and into a deep resentment and its all what's turned him off and away. Even the most loving person will hate in the end if they're given enough grief . But of course he isn't looking at himself in the picture and his side of things though either. That mightn't even matter to him though what would is how you were with him.From memory you asked for the divorce first too so that would've iced the cake l'm afraid too you see, whether he turns back one day , or yr , or yrs, no one could say but right now he's just had enough and wants out sorry.

As far as his stuff yeah God knows but he's not thinking about his right now , you def sounded pretty toxic to each other though.

My ex we last spoke 9mths ago and it didn't end well speaking of setting each other off. l was putting out the feelers in writing but knew it may still be too soon if not just completely done done done and l didn't really expect a reply tbh or if l ever do get one she'll stew a few wks maybe even mths first. So on the other hand l might still get one but it could be a way off yet . lt won't be about us though , it'll just be a reply l think.

Hope your ok , your sounding a lot stronger. rx

[Guest_1584]

ps,

lt just would've been such a helluva yr for her tbh and l mainly just wanted her to know l was thinking of her really first and foremost moreso than a feeler. But of course that'd work as a bit of a feeler too not so much about any getting back together thing though but more a sign of closure of l didn't hear back.

[ecomama]

Dear Lauz22

If you Google "The cycle of violence" or the cycle of abuse, you'll see many or all of his behaviours clearly outlined.

I know "violence and abuse" seem extreme words but in the context of domestic violence it doesn't have to be physical violence, it's all about CONTROL.

That's EXACTLY what controlling people do! They use the romantic parts as "buy backs" when they've pushed too far... to give you "kibbles" to get you back into their lives or way of thinking.

When you study the cycle you'll get it better.

There are obvious Narc tendencies noted by you.
They are masters of manipulation.

But it seems you're experiencing the "narcissistic discard"... which you can Google too.
This is VERY painful.
After you understand that others have experienced this pain also (even started whole BUSINESSES around helping people recover from this)... you'll see why, beyond the obvious losses, you've got so many questions.

and sure the ONLY reason why 'labels' can be useful at all at this point it to UNDERSTAND a person's behaviours. (It's not to brandish them or even use it against them lol, it's to aide our understanding).

You have so many questions about his behaviours and the answers seem very simple to me but only because I've studied my eyeballs out about these "types" of people.

In an abusive relationship "the balance of power" is very unbalanced. You can Google search that phrase too.

There was a book I read but ex demon took that too lol... "But he says he loves me" and WOW it's POWERFUL.
On the left hand page, there's the words - or really the THOUGHTS - of the abuser and on the facing page, how WE feel. You are describing things on the latter page.

It's like complete chalk and cheese for every step of the relationship.

Life just doesn't have to be like this.
Once you realise the extreme harm done to you, it's far easier to cut things and go No Contact.

And it doesn't matter how much YOU loved HIM or even his words he said in the past..
LOVE'S NOT LIKE THIS.

It appears you DO have the capacity to love and he only has the capacity to control and abuse a partner to get what he wants - even as you mentioned, the furniture or restaurant he wants to eat it. It's bigger than that.
But in a r/ship like this, in the end, our very thoughts are manipulated 24/7.

Everything is.

Love EM

[Lauz22]

Hi rx,

I hate to admit, yes we were toxic towards each other. I definitely behaved in ways that were unacceptable and toxic. Now that I look back I don’t even recognise who I was. I feel so ashamed and sometimes consumed guilt and remorse thinking of how I was.

This just proves we brought out the absolute worst in each other.
Again as you know, when things were great - they were unbeatable.
Like EM is saying, it’s an abusive cycle.
I resorted to seeking divorce the end the cycle.
I know being apart is better for me in the long run.

However I feel now that I’m working out my issues, if he was to do the same, we could work.
But he so eagerly wants me out and isnt willing to give it another ago.
We were both wrong! If it was just me who was mostly at fault, fair enough. Run from me.
But we were young and both contributed to shit storm so let’s both fix it!
That’s how I’m feeling about it anyway..

But you’re right, it won’t work if he hasn’t truly reflected. Who knows when or if!
I just think after such a messy break up you’d surely reflect on yourself sooner rather than later? It’s wrecking my brain.. isn’t that what we humans do? Find the mistake we made so we don’t do it again?

I think your message represents where you are at with her and your past relationship. It’s great you can be civil and casually checking in. After all, she did once mean so much to you.
Have you guys been civil since you separated on bad terms? Or was this message the first since?
Regardless of a response, I think you shouldn’t let that effect you too much.
Whatever will be will be! As hard as that can be to accept sometimes.

[Guest_1584]

Hiya lauz and em.

lauz been thinking about this thread and things you talk about , we're all talking about, a lot since l wrote to ex .

A big thing l've got to thinking about , is just supposing you and h could get back together right, just supposing , or l could get back together with ex. And we all wanted to try again with all out heart. Do you think you could undo , whatever you were with your h , that person and iof just supposing you both were 300% willing to try , h could too. ? But of course l know you can't answer for h , so just from your perspective , do you think you could undo that you from back then ?

You know what l'm getting at is cause and effect and so in our cases the toxicity between you and h , me and ex. Can it even be undone or stopped , you know. with me and ex although we had th most incredible intensity l've ever dreamed , and highs , and got a long just mind blowingly in many ways, l mean sometimes we'd roll whatsapp over 2 or 3times in 24hrs and there was still more to say if we wren't pure exhausted , and that was usually while working , driving , hell renovating , shopping anything , as well, on wkends we were even worse . l think whatsapp back then had a 600 message roll over before it had to start again , so that'd give you an idea of just how into each other and full of just so much adoration , we were. YET , every 2-3wks like clockwork , we'd just implode. lt'd just come outa nowhere and no matter how hard l know l tried anyway , it just still happened , We'd somehow just set each other off and boom. l do know at least sometimes she did really try to avoid it , but others she def' lit the fuse and over nothing usually.

So yaknow , lt's hard to tell of the exact workings of you and h , and then hell l dunno maybe he was narc , maybe ex was bpd , don't know . But l wonder if it's even possible to undo and start being a normal couple. lf you'd think there was any way you two could just throw out whatever set you both off, and be normal - ha, whatever that is l know.

l don't know with ex , it didn't seem to matter how we were, we'd eventually just blow up.

But anyway , thx for that too. But nope we haven't talked since we disintegrated last this was the first.

And although l know she would've thrown her phone at the wall afterward , l also know now like me she'll be starting to think what ifs too is my feeling. We've always matched so first l thought pl that is that but now all this and so chances are she will b too. rx

[Lauz22]

Hi EM

You make very good points! Honestly I need reminders to snap out of my train of thoughts.
My best friend said to me ‘you won’t find the answers you’re looking for because he doesn’t even know what’s going on in his own mind’

and it’s true.

One of many thoughts is that he seems ‘off’. His behaviour and thoughts don’t add up.

Post separation he has made such extreme comments about wanting me out of his future. But he has also said he drives by my parents house to see if I’m there and has kept sentimental items.

I cannot understand him or make sense of any of this!

I will research what you have suggested. Maybe I don’t understand personalities or abusive cycles as much as I think I do.

I don’t have any other relationship to compare to so I just feel so lost and confused.

I know we brought out the worst in each other but surely he could change his ways if he really wanted?!

From what you understand EM - do people have the ability to change or re wire their brains?

- Lauz

[Lauz22]

Hi rx,

Interesting thoughts. It makes a lot of sense what you’ve said. however there would be lots of factors to consider.

My therapist says people have certain personality types and in toxic relationships both are responsible. Meaning one person is the enabler to the others toxic behaviour OR you could both be enabling each other’s bad behaviours.

Hypothetically if we both tried and failed, I feel I would have more closure.

My frustrations comes from the fact he is so reluctant to changing and as mentioned, rejecting therapy. He would rather just let go without giving it a proper chance!

After all the pain we endured from this separation, I thought it would force him to come to his senses! That he would reflect and think if this was to work he has to change and to me that means changing his personality.
it would only work if we both really tried and change behaviours, thoughts and cut out toxicity.

I feel I could change to be better. It’s easier said than done but looking back at the person I was, I am truly ashamed and traumatised by the awful ways I behaved and will never allow myself to be that person again.
Sure it would be hard but I would continue pushing into the right direction!

In other words, I see it as a formula

A + B = destruction

but what if we could change to
Y + Z = success

I feel you and your ex have personality types that clash and won’t lead you to a successful relationship. But what if you both changed who you were and changed in ways where you could be successful?

Don’t you think if there was a slight possibility to get back those highs and happiness it would be worth it?

Its like you can live with OR without them so take your pick.

If I could pick it’d be with him.

Regarding your message - that’s a big step to reach out for the first time. It may move your relationship to a civil friendship?

I suppose we won’t know how she will react. Will you feel indifferent whether she does or doesn’t?

Anyway thanks for the questions. It’s good to see things from a different perspective.

- lauz