Broken heart that I can’t heal after divorce

[Lauz22]

Hi all,

I am 27 and am going through a divorce from my partners of 10 years, 3 of those years we were married.

We met at the age of 17 and I have been codependent on him ever since.

Our relationship was extreme in both good and bad. He is someone like no other. His love was so strong and pure but he was very controlling and selfish.
Our relationship revolved around his wants and needs in life. He made all the big decisions, never saw me as an equal, had an extremely narrow mind of how we had to live our lives and forced me to do as he saw fit.

We had a wonderful, meaningful relationship before we got married.
But our marriage was toxic and abusive.
We were both wrong in our ways. We were verbally, emotionally and physically abusive towards each other.

It got so bad, that my mental health deteriorated and effected my physical heath.

I begged him to go to marriage counselling and he refused. Instead he got angry and lashed out as he usually does.

I saw no way out so I begged for a divorce. At first he refused and wanted to work things out. But I was at rock bottom I saw no way out and was suicidal at the thought of continuing our toxic marriage.

One day he picked up his belongings and walked out the house. That was the end.

I have spent this entire year in therapy to work through my feelings and to fix the problem.

I have gone from feeling suicidal in the marriage to now desperately wanting him back.

I feel I have worked on myself and grown. And that know what I need to do to change for a better relationship.
I have wrote heartfelt emails apologising, going in depth of the faults in me and the relationship and that if we both worked on ourselves and the relationship we could possibly make it work.

He has made comments such as

A part of him has died to let me go.
I am tainted and would rather have 5 failed relationships than be with me.
He no longer loves me.

It’s been 9 months and he has contacted lawyers regarding our divorce.

His love for me was second to none. He loved me unconditionally at my worst. I never in a million years thought he would give up his love on me.

I am struggling to accept it and am in denial that the relationship is over.

I truly believe no one will love me the way he did.

I am holding on to hope that one day he will come back to me and we could work things out.

I feel lost and empty all the time.
I feel my life has no purpose without him.

I feel I have nothing and am hopeless that there is no point of living without him.

[Guest_1584]

Hiya lauz . And sorry about my last being a bit patchy , l'm dyslexic you see and l often can't see or check what l've written.You can bet that use to get me in the shyt with ex let me tell ya, it's mind boggling the way the simplest of wording mix ups, can turn a nice into a disaster isn't it.

Anyway , l'm feeling pretty guilty now reading your last post bc you guys were so young yet marriage 2 houses all that you've been through with each other and now the ending, Sorry lauz it'd a lot for anyone any age but you must be going through so much now trying to work it all through , on top of everything else. l hope it's not confusing it all even more so for you and becoming all too much. lf it is just take a good long break and walk away. And l'm really glad your therapist is helping.

Your h, you see he'd be in a love hate frame, which is what this stuff does to us, hence his drive bys.

Doing our best to change to y z yep , exactly. For me l did try with parts of me l knew set her off, quite a bit actually and l know she did too. ls it worth it for that one person yeah if it can work l think it is, but it just didn't for us, not for very long anyway. like you l can't take the full wrap though, she had crap , no doubt about it and he def' had his , whatever it is.

Lauz , do you think if he didn't have whatever his thing is though, you would've been calm and stable, happy , a somewhere normal person ?

l'm not who l was now , my gf and l are 300% another planet to ex and l. We laugh at the same things and habits and stuff said or that comes out, that would've sent me and ex into oblivion . lt still blows my mind of how relaxed and easy and fun we are. Maybe that would happen for you too with someone else. She knows l was worried and wrote to ex , she's ok with it we've both loved before. But ex's highs were also on a different planet yep , it's confusing, l'm still working it out. But yeah we clicked and clashed , both hot tempers when pushed , add her paranoia , eggshells, hair trigger, it never took much.

We both need to remember those things about our ex's don't we eh. l know now l will hear from her again though l can feel her again.

You look after yourself hey. rx

[Lauz22]

Hey rx,

all good. It’s a hard to perfect what we’re writing online.

I definitely understand how the smallest things turn into disaster. It’s not even about what you’re fighting about, it just has this power to set off a shit storm.

Thank you. It has been the hardest year of my life. It’s like everything bad that could happen, did happen in the most intense ways. It has felt like a nightmare. I just hope things get better.. even if that is without ExH.

Speaking of the house, the contract of sale has gone unconditional meaning its official. I don’t know how to feel. I feel numb and in disbelief. Again, question why is this happening.

Can you pls elaborate on the ‘love hate frame’. Do you mean he loves and hates me at the same time? He says he definitely does not love me anymore though..

Of course changing personalities/behaviours to be in a successful relationship is required from both partners! It is not just up to you.

Pre-therapy I was guilty of saying it’s just up to ExH to change. Nope, it’s always the two that have to!
Hence why I am heartbroken he won’t join me to even try change.

I think to really make permanent change there are many factors. It’s more than just a want. Even if we all wanted to make things work with our partners it would be beyond that.

I think the mind needs to unlearn, relearn, to develop emotionally and mentally or to be in a different environment, to grow and be alone to learn about yourself.
For that to happen, time would be necessary. So it’s not unless people go through all that, there will be a possibility to change for the good.

without his ‘behaviour’ I feel I would still have my bad traits. In fact this separation has led me to fully reflect and understand that I need to change. I am grateful for the lesson. But when I was with him, I was blind to my own behaviour. Hence bringing out the worst in each other.

that makes sense. It just seems you and your partner click. Not sure what the answer for that is. I am thinking both your personality types just match and doesn’t Lead you to destructive patterns.

its strange how a different personality can bring out a different side of you.

i think the fact you and ex set each other off, and reading about how extreme both the good and bad were, it sounds like my relationship. It sounds like a typical toxic relationship.. which is sad why it has to be like that.
maybe we’re not meant to make sense of it?

- lauz

[Lauz22]

Ps. My therapist says we can’t control other people’s behaviour, only our own.

That we are accountable to how to respond.

but sometimes I feel, if someone is going to put you through hell, your bound to act like a demon...

maybe I am shifting blame. I know I behaved in appalling ways but given the environment ExH put me through.. it would’ve taken the most patient saint to not crack.

just a thought..

[Guest_1584]

Hey lauz .

Just remember opt out if you need too , all cool. don't want ya rehashing if it's making things worse, Me it helps me , but that's a pattern of mine in any problems l'll go in circles if l have to until l nail it.

Yep , it's all about personalities , simple as that. Whether we're messed up or not the wrong person will bring it on given enough time.

So sorry about the house l've been there it's heartbreaking.l know. Yeah l tried the unlearn too. To me that depends on the extreme bc they have to undo some too. But last time l was with ex , l thought that's it we've got this. l was so proud of us. 6wks and not even a ripple , next minute , boom. But l realized much later what the main thing was and really , if l'd allowed for that and not had fired back, l think we would've been ok. That was a crucial time l could've unlearnt pasts and just allowed for ex's feelings instead, if l'd realized at the time l would've. So it ain't easy to unlearn takes two but l have heard of couples fixing pretty bad shit with persistence . l wondered a 1000 times like you too if maybe we could just except our bads and enjoy the extreme goods.

Was that behavior all about and from your h , or were you just being an idiot too sometimes. ? And yep your right too you bet, if someones doing that your only human , can only bear so much.But your seeing so many things and that'll be a good thing that would've had to have been done .

And l'm sorry about your yr , throw in covid just to ice the cake too eh. But you bet , things turn, never know what's round the next corner day or mth , yr. ln a way it'd be good if the house gets done before the end of this one , a fresh new yr, new corner and who knows eh. '

Yep , we get along damn nicely for sure but it is very different on other levels too , the love is different too and l'm still figuring it out. There's a saying though brightest flame burns quickest that was me and ex so maybe a slow burn is better in the long term some say it is.

look after yourself hey. rx

[Guest_1584]

PS

love hate well , l have a love hate with ex too now , but l wouldn't tell her about the love either, not right now anyway. He says that and on the surface thinks that but the drive bys say something else, l mean do you go driving past peoples houses you truly hate , l wouldn't. ln saying that though it's still well and truly done for him right now l'd say.

Was he a proud guy ?

rx

[Lauz22]

Hi rx,
More than happy to discuss it. It helps me too, to understand different perspectives etc.

I went to see my psychologist. I raised the questions of why he is the way he is, why he won’t change his behaviours that led him to the destruction of our marriage.
She said that:
- people don’t change because someone wants them to, whether they cry, kick, scream begging them to change.
- They change when they feel they need to
- Some people can carry out the same behaviours in future relationships that may fail and still won’t change or may not have the capacity to change
- That changing requires to ‘make’ the change and not just reflect and know you’re flaws

It may not be pleasant to hear this but it makes sense. I hope that helps with some of your questions too.
For me, and possibly you too, it seems we have reflected a lot on the mistakes within ourselves and the relationship, which is the first step, and probably the biggest, however it comes down to taking action to implement those changes.
Of course it is not easy. This is unlearning and relearning years of conditioning and a mindset we have programmed ourselves with.

Don’t be too hard on your mistakes. You tried your best. This is what we learn from. We are human after all.
And of course, in a relationship, you need your partner to commit to be successful.

My ExH was so controlling, his way or no way, would hound me until I gave in to what he wanted, was always making sure we did things to keep him happy and to save me from him having a tantrum, over jealous and possessive, couldn’t have me wear certain clothes or got mad when another male would have a look at me in public. He was child like, never enjoyed the dinners I made nor appreciated me for it, glued to his phone and sighed when I asked him to come off it, couldn’t listen to me with him cutting me off or talking over me. The list goes on really..

I was definitely an idiot too on many occasions. When I get emotional I just lash out, say awful things, threw things.
A person I don’t want to be again in the future.

Yes he was a very proud guy.
He is complicated.. I can’t figure him out. He says he no longer loves me only 4 months after we separated. Can you really not love your wife after being in a relationship with her for almost 10 years?
Regardless, yes he is done for now... maybe forever. Who knows.

[Lauz22]

You’re right, a slow burn is probably for the best. Something that is stable and grows over time.
It seems this relationship is better for you long term. It seems you are still learning about yourself in a new and different relationship which may be best suited for you.

I asked my psychologist about the relationship being like hell and that as a human you would eventually break in that environment.
She says that being emotionally mature is having a conversation to try fix the situation and saying if it continues you will walk away. If there is no change, it is up to us to leave that environment. That staying is like banging your head on a wall thinking the more we bang the more things will change when instead we have to see the reality for what it is and make a choice to suck it up and stay or leave...

Hope that helps you too rx

[Guest_1584]

Hiya lauz and ahh thx for that but eh , we're suppose to be trying to help you here right you've got enough to deal with. But thanking muchly for thinking of me none the less.

He was extreme in controlling and black and white that's for sure, anyone would be cracking over time with that it's a helluva combo alone and would cause all kinds of crap for you. Would you think these days your tantrums and idiot were mainly from his ways or you'd been like that before him anyway , with your earlier yrs and all , just worse with him, or what ? Was he always the way he was?

So yeah proud eh, that makes sense then yeah l figured. So he was still caring then hence the drive bys , and if he ever does turn and regret it'd take a yr or two yet , maybe longer. he'd have to swallow his pride first you see. He could really hate you for now and want to but nah it's not like the love just went altogether in 4mths there;ll be a lot of pride in his words and actions too you see , but down the track who knows. As time goes on for you both though and this is what's going on with ex too , yaknow you start to realize there's just so much you'd both have to somehow change and somehow fix though , you begin to see it's probably not even possible anyway. You could reach that conclusion later on, he could too. That's where we ended up with the last one, l know even if we did get back tomorrow we'd both be just waiting for the pop l think.

So yeah that choice she's talking about we've probably made anyway l know l did for sure earlier , hence the pride thing right there too. Over time that softened for me and l realized myself l do still love her and l wrote , but l still wouldn't be game to try again , or her either and that could end up the case for you too when your stronger.

Take care . rx

[Lauz22]

No worries rx. Just thought it was some insight to share if it could’ve helped you at all.

Yep he certainly had big behaviour traits that drove me insane. The traits were always there but it got worse - I probably brought it out of him admittedly.
I have always been impatient, stubborn short tempered. That mixed with ExH hounding, controlling and possessiveness was not a good mix.
We brought out the absolute worst in each other.
I know I need to fix my behaviour as I do not want to be in a relationship that was so toxic. But it would also help when you meet a partner that is more compatible and as we have said, someone who you can naturally just connect with at peace. Someone that doesn’t trigger you as much that brings out the low and ugly side of you.

Agreed. Thanks for you insight. His reality is that it’s over, will forever be over, he doesnt love me or want me in his life.
He doesn’t seem like the person to reflect and make changes - he is very much set in his way.

I believe so too. With time and possibly meeting someone else I will then fully realise I am more suited to other personality types.

I think you made the right choice. Maybe your love for her is now a different kind of love and it may never leave you. But I suppose we will always keep that kind of love in our hearts. I think it means you have the capacity to love others, even who aren’t in your life anymore and that’s a great trait to have.
I believe it’s loving someone from a distance, it certainly beats being bitter and resentful.

thanks rx, take care

[Guest_1584]

Heya lauz.

Yeah you guys def' caused and effected each other but you've sounded right through like you certainly dished it out too .He probably doesn't even see him only all that and the you asking for divorce . I mean no one can say like this for sure what he thinks but it does sound like that way so if he does turn back it'll be a yr or two for sure the way he's still so full steam on the d and house.Could be a penny drop down the track but who knows.

Good luck with the impatience man that's a hard one to beat been at it yrs myself but it does only come out with some people others it's never.

Hope your doin ok.