Broken heart that I can’t heal after divorce

[Lauz22]

Hi all,

I am 27 and am going through a divorce from my partners of 10 years, 3 of those years we were married.

We met at the age of 17 and I have been codependent on him ever since.

Our relationship was extreme in both good and bad. He is someone like no other. His love was so strong and pure but he was very controlling and selfish.
Our relationship revolved around his wants and needs in life. He made all the big decisions, never saw me as an equal, had an extremely narrow mind of how we had to live our lives and forced me to do as he saw fit.

We had a wonderful, meaningful relationship before we got married.
But our marriage was toxic and abusive.
We were both wrong in our ways. We were verbally, emotionally and physically abusive towards each other.

It got so bad, that my mental health deteriorated and effected my physical heath.

I begged him to go to marriage counselling and he refused. Instead he got angry and lashed out as he usually does.

I saw no way out so I begged for a divorce. At first he refused and wanted to work things out. But I was at rock bottom I saw no way out and was suicidal at the thought of continuing our toxic marriage.

One day he picked up his belongings and walked out the house. That was the end.

I have spent this entire year in therapy to work through my feelings and to fix the problem.

I have gone from feeling suicidal in the marriage to now desperately wanting him back.

I feel I have worked on myself and grown. And that know what I need to do to change for a better relationship.
I have wrote heartfelt emails apologising, going in depth of the faults in me and the relationship and that if we both worked on ourselves and the relationship we could possibly make it work.

He has made comments such as

A part of him has died to let me go.
I am tainted and would rather have 5 failed relationships than be with me.
He no longer loves me.

It’s been 9 months and he has contacted lawyers regarding our divorce.

His love for me was second to none. He loved me unconditionally at my worst. I never in a million years thought he would give up his love on me.

I am struggling to accept it and am in denial that the relationship is over.

I truly believe no one will love me the way he did.

I am holding on to hope that one day he will come back to me and we could work things out.

I feel lost and empty all the time.
I feel my life has no purpose without him.

I feel I have nothing and am hopeless that there is no point of living without him.

[Lauz22]

No problems rx. I am happy to have this thread to share all our experiences.
As I said, having an insight of others relationships does help as I relate and see things from a different perspective.
Especially as these days, being overly exposed to what people post on social media and how perfect their lives or relationships are. Being able to open up and discuss the ‘ugly’ sides of relationships is so much more real and refreshing.
(Maybe the social media thing is just me and the generation I grew up in)

Good point. ‘Red flags’ aren’t always shown at the beginning of a relationship either. they may appear when the person gets comfortable and opens up more of their true selves. I think it’s important to stand your ground and be aware of them no matter at what point in the relationship.

Rx sounds like your emotions and feelings have slightly worn off for your ex and is being replaced with logic and reason .

Post breakup I think we always think back to the good times and forget the bad. It’s not until you cross paths and may be reminded of the reasons things never worked out.

Although that question of ‘why it couldn’t be’ tends to cause lots of pain in itself

EM - I think that’s great. Referring back to my previous message, if you have given it your all and absolute best, then you can walk away proud of yourself.

I don’t think me and exH did this... we just blew up and at times we would try in our own little ways. We never sat down, sorted our sh*t out like mature adults, put in the hard work or did our best. We kind of erupted and gave up. It’s sad. Again, it leaves me wondering why things couldn’t be...

Lauz

[ecomama]

Hi sweety and Lauz too lol... oh only joking! (I'm working on my drab comedic skills lol)... hi both sweet peeps!

Ahhh Lauz so many questions, so much FORUM SPACE!!! Yay!

Just remember Lauz, if I say anything that doesn't "sit well" with you then reject it instantly.
Or let it rest in your mind, things may filter down that make sense over time.
Or not, all good with me.

It's developing this female intuition (also mentioned in the Course) that will stand you in good stead over your life time.

SO....first question - exH rejecting Counselling etc etc
My gut tells me he's a control freak lol.
He would HATE ANYONE telling him any thing about how to live his life, what to do, how to treat you blah blah blah - Counselling can be like "white noise" to some ppl.

When you know that women's greatest fears are being sexually assaulted and violence from men. Yet apparently research tells us that men's greatest fears are to appear weak and to be embarrassed.

BINGO. Right there. I think there can be an addiction to ego in some ppl.
Just my take on things. What do you think?

Question 2 - right person wrong time and first heartbreak?
Not my first heartbreak, no.
Bit of reflection here... he was AMAZING, he was super intelligent, built like Adonis lol and so many things.
At the time I felt I would have to work on myself forever to be deserving of him.
I don't think at all like that about myself or about love now.

SUPER bad timing... even a War broke out near a country we'd promised to meet in, half way, a year after we parted. We couldn't travel there.
There were alot of other dynamics at play which are difficult to explain.
I think we both couldn't do it anymore, even though we were both heartbroken to admit it.

Question 3 - due to lack of awareness, did it make me feel there was something wrong with me?
LOLOLOL HELL NO.
There are millions of things "wrong" with me! That's if you put up the supposed fake bs of photoshopped models and picture book lives and do comparisons, which I NEVER do. Never have done.

I'm just me!

I've always had a strong sense of self worth. It became far stronger over my life time.
I have plenty of things "men" want but it doesn't mean I want those men!

To be clearer and this is going to sound awful but it is what it is... I've had a problem with too many suitors, not not enough. Yes it's a problem, stalking is a real problem & difficult to end.
Even those I've never had a relationship with have turned into stalkers.

xxEM

[ecomama]

Hi Lauz

You're not going to like what I've got to say on "perfect people and their perfect lives"...
IT'S NOT TRUE.
Fast forward 10-20y, the worst things come out.

PLEASE don't look to others for your standards!
Know YOURSELF.

We KNOW striving for perfection is extremely detrimental for anyone's MH.
This may be an addiction for you.
Please speak with your Counsellor about this. I hope your Counsellor has a strong way of putting things to you because THIS is dangerous.

And tbh would YOU want to be with a perfectionist?
No way would I want that.

Please watch Brene Brown's stuff online & hone in on the perfectionist stuff.

Beware & detach from social media bs. "The subtle art of not giving a f*#@" is a really good listen. Podcast available. I've innately lived this way & couldn't have overcome the things I have without this attitude.
It's POWERFUL.

Perfectionism = a true waste of your time & life.

Next question - Courses, learning.
I couldn't tell you the millions of words I've read. Up to and over 700 pages a night sometimes. Countless online sites.

Here are some:
* The Course was called "Breaking Free" free through my local Women's Health Centre. It's research based and AMAZING. It's for women in DV relationships, trying to leave DV and / or those who had left DV (like I had) & were still perplexed over it.
EVERY woman should do it.
EVERY man should do the men's Course.
I have reasons for saying this.
There are follow up Courses to do for free also.
Please phone your WHC and ask about them.
* Brene Brown's works. Everything.
* Dr Joe Dispenza's works. Everything including his Audio disks.
* FB groups for women who'd experienced DV. I no longer have FB at all, Courts are done.
* I studied "The Road Less Travelled" by M.Scott Peck for about 2 solid years, searching all things online about people he described in his book. I keep that book by my bed. I listened to his "People of the Lie" recently and can totally relate lol.
* I read ALL I COULD on Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Sociopaths and Psychopaths. Watched tons of youtube clips on same... and how to divorce same.
* Milder stuff but absolutely worth having is Stephen Covey's "7 Habit of Highly Effective People"... brilliant. Anything online he did is fantastic too.

Taking the time to search inside yourself and work things out will pay dividends to you in the long term too.

Read up on...
* the 180
* the gray rock strategy too.. both necessary IME.

Love EM

[Guest_1584]

Yeah so true em.

Forget perfect and the fb's of life these days, people plastering their "posed" pics all over the place lauz it's all such false realities. Yeah there'll be some truths and genuine in them, fun,real, some for sure. But you see people all over the place these days snapping away and slamming them of onto their fb look at me's faster than they can press all those little buttons , man the self imposed pressure and constructed image of it all ,,,,,l really dunno how they fall for it.

Funny really , well in a way , my ex , she was a perfectionist , one of the best things about it not working out though was getting away from all that. My partner now is a realist like me and it's just so damn nice there's just such an inner calm and reality with us and just being around each other. But yeah it is true with the ex especially after our last breakup l know we both started looking at the real realities of just "us" from there. We had some of the most insanest synchronicities and intensity going on , yet, we always wound up oil and water and fireworks and there didn't seem to be a damn thing we could do to avoid them in the end. lt ended up emotionally exhausting us both and spirit .

TBH it sounds your you h , among all the other stuff going on between you two , might've arrived at around the same place we eventually did in our last break up, there was nothing left to want to make it work. And my guess would be that combined with a mix of things em's talked about also thrown into it all.

You might find that in time , you'll begin to see the real about you two ,

rx

[Lauz22]

Hi EM,
Please bare with me on my slow responses!

Q1 - absolutely agree. There was also a level of arrogance. I quote him ‘I am not paying someone to tell me what I should do on my marriage’
I was so taken back. I think, so you’d rather run your marriage into the ground over seeing a professional to HELP us?!
We needed help and he thought it was so unnecessary yet he wasn’t doing anything to fix the marriage he said he so desperately wanted to fix? I am so resentful.

On another note - he was a control freak! Lashed out of me over the most insignificant matters! I’ll touch more on his controlling behaviour in my next post!

Q2 - although things didn’t work out, what a story and what a memory to look back on.
Absolutely, we should not be working towards feeling ‘deserving’ of love. A simple reminder that we are enough as we are. Yet hard to believe sometimes!

Q3 - your sense of self worth is so important! It’s easy to forget it with modern day society. I think before we can be with anyone we must have our own self worth and love. That’s what people are attracted to, it’s what helps build a healthy relationship together and individually!

[Lauz22]

EM, I completely agree! I hate society’s fixation on perfectionism!
It is so toxic and causes such a negative impact. I am experiencing it first hand.

It just feels like it is a sense of accomplishment when you have a great job, beautiful house and family, nice clothes etc.. you know?
It’s like we need to be all that to be happy or worth of love and overtime I forget about what really makes me happy or what I want in life.

It’s something I will have to work on as you said. Good start is to not spend son much time on social media!

Thanks for the suggestions and info!
You can really see how much work you’ve put in for yourself, it’s so great!
We’re so lucky to have so much resource available to us these days.

My goal is to continue pushing through this challenging time and hoping to come out stronger than ever.
I feel I am doing well but of course have my days.


Rx - yep, perfectionism definitely has it’s detriments. Was she influence by social media? I hope not.
Your relationship sounds so familiar to mine. The highs were unbeatable and the lows so intensely chaotic with absolutely no sense.
The highs were what kept us around for longer than we should have. It’s similar to an addiction. It’s not good for us but we crave it. Like any other addition, it’s so much harder to quit it than to succumb to it.
I guess I have to be glad this happened before we had kids..
I think I do see who were both were more so than ever now. I think maybe because I haven’t ever had anyone else to compare to there are bits missing that I won’t fully understand until I experience first hand!

[Lauz22]

Recently I have been feeling overwhelmed.
What are people’s thoughts:

ExH and I still own a house together that has been on the market since May and it hasn’t sold due to COVID and Stage 4 lockdown in Melb.

The back story is, this house is our second and upgraded house that we planned to live in ‘forever’. It’s newly built, highly upgraded with features, more expensive than budgeted.
However it’s in an below average area which is far from our friends and family. Due to this I never really support this idea. It was too soon for an upgrade (1.5 years into our marriage), an area that was so excluded from fam and friends, it wasn’t an area I wanted to raise kids in or felt safe.
It was 100% his decision. He literally gave me an ultimatum.
He came home one day stressing about upgrading our house to a nice family house before prices went up too much and within a week he bought a new block of land to build.
Who does that?!
(This act from ExH being alone controlling and calling all the shots in our relationship with no regards for my wants or needs in life is the straw that broke the camels back)

Ironically after we moved in, we separated a few months after.
The discussion was me suggesting to rent it out as I thought it wasn’t a good time to sell (Covid) and didn’t know if we would get back together. Again he pushed his decision and forced us to put it on the market.

A few months back when I proposed to try to make our marriage work and move back to the house he said no again.

At every stage, the suggestions I made he has rejected and taken full control of the house and finances.

I understand the house not selling is not his fault. But what I’m so angry at is how he got us into this mess and I have been paying half the bills (thousands of dollars) when absolutely non of this was my decision!
Do you think that’s fair?
I was trying to be so patient with him and the sale of the house but when I see expensive bills come out of our joint account I am getting so upset. I feel he trapped me into this mess! He made all the decisions yet I bare the consequences!


I still struggle to understand how someone can be SO controlling! How it was his way or no way and he didn’t even once consider what I wanted in a life we were sharing.
Is what he did common in men with controlling behaviour patterns?

Thoughts?

[ecomama]

Hi Lauz

Lots to respond to.
I'll respond from my POV to the last set of points, being Control with a capital C.

It would be an amazing investment of your time right now if you did lots of reading (if you can) or watching online clips if that's easier on:
* How to divorce a narcissist
* NPD
* anything on domestic violence - it's not ALL physical violence... focusing mainly on the perps moves and psychological make up.

ExH may or may not be a narc but he certainly has "control issues".

EG a narcissist doesn't have a "partner", they have a kingdom and servants.
Them being the King and everyone else is a servant.

There are oceans of info on this.
Google is your friend lol.

Reading the financial side of your story, as frustrating as it is for you right now, makes me see things very clearly indeed....

THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS you got out when you did!

I most certainly HEAR YOU.

My first H was like this.

My last H was much MUCH worse than him.

Your whole life would have been used in this way had you stayed.

Whatever it takes to disassociate in all ways financially, I would DO IT.

Do you still live in the home?
Or does he?

Or is it EMPTY?

Cut and run is my best advice there. ASAP.
I'd rather you deal with financial settlement than ANYTHING else.

Back on to the perfectionism illness.... please watch Brene Brown's The Call to Courage and anything else online of hers.

I never blame "society" for the perfectionism illness at all!
I take responsibility for what I focus on.
I don't see it the same way as you.

I have nice clothes, a pretty magnificent house in my sole name lol... a great family, a brilliant career (and some pretty fancy diamonds from current fiancee) but that doesn't make ME or any one of those elements "perfect".
I didn't DO them or have them because of what "society" dictated to me - HELL NO.

To be honest I WOULDN'T have them AT ALL IF I did what others told me to do! (I'd have NO children for starters).

I did whatever it took to have those elements. Most of those elements I had to fight very hard for as I was going against the grain of what I was "supposed to" achieve according to trajectories for my life at the very least.

As far as I'm concerned, "Society" would merely expect me to be a Law abiding citizen and take responsibility, not shirk it. But there is no "societal expectations" I abide by because of that figment.

I do what I want because I WANT to do it.

Love EM

[Lauz22]

Hi EM,

Yes definitely control was one of his biggest issues. It was so damaging to our relationship.
I felt like I was constantly fighting it and fighting him. But I never won. I had to cry kick and scream to get him to understand that he could not be so controlling over the relationship. It was even small things like furniture or where would we eat out.

I saw it as something that would one day ruin us. He tried to change but he couldn’t.
Now that we’re divorcing he still hasn’t changed.

I just had a bad panic attack for the first time in a long time.
I can’t understand his behaviour. Why it was detrimental but he didn’t even want to change it or said he would be couldn’t? I can’t understand how he professed his undying love for me but couldn’t stop behaving in ways that ruined us.

I don’t think he is a narcissist.
He didn’t see me as a servant. His positive side was romantic. He made thoughtful and romantic gestures, wrote poems, bought flowers and planed romantic dates etc.

But can you see how extreme he is on both ends?
I simply wanted to keep his positive side but work on fixing the negative. But it never happened.
The negative side grew worse and it exploded.

The house is empty but we are still paying for the bills. I don’t think I can cut financially until the house settles?

On that note, the thought of selling the house and signing divorce papers makes me so fearful. It would be the last things holding us together and I don’t know what I will do without him...
I am struggling to completely let go.
Because this whole time I wanted us to work.
I know we can’t be together unless he works on himself but he won’t do this and it hurts so bad.

[Guest_1584]

Hey lauz.

Nah ,, don't think he was a narc labels are thrown round too easily these days , one big reason l really hated using any terms when trying to explain things with my ex, And it felt betraying doing so. We all have good and bad sides thats part of personality sounded like there were things from both of you anyway and sometimes that wrong mix simply brings out the wrong sides in us too. But if it's any consolation l do think he'll def reflect back on himself in yrs to come but he's still young so that might be awhile. l did myself and realized many of my own bads and still do these days bc as gf says, no ones perfect.

Think l set of half of ex's stuff actually , that and our situation and the frustration in all of that. She could well be a totally different person with the right chemistry and a more normal situation, l know she was a good and giving , very, person , when all the stars aligned . l think unless there is a mental illness or some deep rooted things going on , whether or not they are a good person among it all is the key. Some people just aren't , em sounds like she's been involved with her share of those for sure, Do you think he was basically a good person or ? lf he was then with prodding one day he'll look back and realize , and hopefully work on he's bad traits like l've tried too.

Ahwell, just thoughts.

rx