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Brief thought of what could have been

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

I have BPD and it cost me my partner of 7 years, children and house

Also met a lovely woman last year spent a few months with her before my borderline broke her

It wasn't until after these two, I was diagnosed and started the pathway to recovery

6 months later, I'm like a new person...the guy I was 10 years ago...carefree, dedicated, calm, relaxed and focused on all the positives in life

These two ladies, there is no going back too..too much damage was done

What makes me have a moment of sadness occasionally is the "what could have been?" What if I was diagnosed properly years ago, started proper treatment earlier. Chances are I'd still have my partner and daughters. It's sad for me when the what if thought pops into my head

I don't ruminate on it, and I let the feeling go as quickly as it comes..but it is something that continuously rears its head

My BPD coping skills learnt allow me to not let the emotional response grow and manifest into a negative reaction, but none the less it's not a nice feeling

Don't really have a question, just putting my thoughts to paper I guess

6 Replies 6

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Azbox

What a great thread. I have also done the same with pushing away girlfriends because of my anxiety & depression

It is something I think about too. Not really regrets but being aware of it as it rears its head....frequently...

You have done really well by putting your thoughts to paper as I feel exactly the same as you....I had 4 girlfriends that I 'pushed away' as a result of my mental illness.....

Its still hurts Az.....I guess its part of the illness.....and the high price we have to pay. In my case it was not getting the therapy I needed as I was in denial.

What a great heartfelt post and thanks Az. I really hope you can stick around the forums 🙂 Me thinks you can be a huge help to many....if you wish to of course

my kind thoughts


Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Azbox and welcome,

Sorry to hear about the losses you have suffered and believe me, i think many of us go through the 'what if's'.

I understand you were diagnosed after these relationships and you feel too much damage was done but i'm wondering, do either of these women know of your diagnoses and that the 'damage' was not intentional? How is your relationship with your ex wife and daughters? Is there any chance of 'something' now that you are back to your old self?

Hope to hear back from you.


Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

We went for a walk around the lake with my young daughters just over a week ago.

She said she can see the change in me, but I found being with her and the children was starting to trigger me, and I could see that I would not be able to control the emotions I was feeling

Hence I messaged her later and told her that I'd like to cease contact with her and not see the children anymore

Which I know is a classic borderline thing to do (fear of abandonment, pushing them away)

But ATM I feel I don't have enough control over that to continue down any sort of path, even though I have come so far

I believe what triggered tonight's post, was that I seen my mother and she showed me a video on her phone the ex had sent her of my youngest walking on her own for the first time

Although I'm not letting the emotion build into a reaction it certainly lowers my mood

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

I do plan on sticking around, as I find it therapeutic to assist people who struggle with issues just like mine

Being borderline I have a fair insight to how people like me view the world and react, and things to do to counter the bad reactions

I work in a maximum security prison, as a prison officer. I've just taken on the role of youth support officer. It's to help manage and mentor prisoners aged 18-25 who are having issues in the prison or issues on the outside affecting them in the prison

I find it to be meaningful on top of my normal duties as an officer

Thanks for posting back Az, and happy that you not only have the desire to help others but the experience as well

I still seem to 'attract' miss wrong where my depression is concerned. They are fixated on Mr Perfect and will not settle for anything less.....In the meantime life keeps going by......quickly

You have picked a tough vocation Az. It takes a ton of strength to function in the role of a prison officer....They could double your salary and it still wouldnt reflect the workload you have on a shift by shift basis

Do you work those rotating shifts still.....or have they become more focused on the health of their officers?

my best for you Az


Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Still rotating shifts and long weeks. Just finished 7 shifts with two 12 hr shifts to finish it off

Can be exhausting both mentally and physically