Breakup of 5 months with severe depressive

[Beanie123]

Hi all 

I have been struggling to deal with a breakup of 5 months with a guy who I was dating. We definitely have both been through trauma and have already started a bit of a toxic back and forth. About a month ago I offered friendship as a solution to our trust problems. For context we live long distance but have discussed moving in with each other at some point if everything went well. He was always very clear in saying he struggled badly with relationships ending so he had to be certain this was something he wanted. I found this off the bat really hard as it kind of put the onus on me to "prove" to him that I was worth it. 

We seemed to get along very well as friends maybe because we both had relaxed off the idea of a relationship. The distance also helped as we weren't scared of bumping into each other but we spoke everyday morning to evening. This is when he confided he had become very depressed and felt very lonely to the point he was pushing away and loosing friends. 

I felt safe enough to offer to go see him one weekend and spend some platonic time and keep him company as he lives alone and I was becoming concerned he would get worse. Obviously we care about each other deeply (or so I though). Everything was fine until the morning of me going to see him- he called me on the way there and basically told me not to come because he was having an anxiety attack. I felt VERY triggered by this as it was something we were both looking forward too and felt like he may have been making an excuse to not see me. After some back and forth he began saying that he wanted a relationship where people don't fight and maybe he needed to keep looking for someone like that. I said if thats what he wanted he could go have it I wasn't going to stop him. He also said things like, he wasn't convinced a relationship was right for him, that he was happier alone, that he needed to be 100% sure etc.  He also said he didn't think he was running out of time to find love and kept asking why I would even want him when I have so many other options and If i was with him out of desperation and there was no one else. For context we are both in our 40's never married and no children. I did end up going to his place once he calmed down but he had a manic episode and basically ended the relationship and I left silently and blocked him. I have no idea how to help/ deal with this and how to support someone struggling like that. I also have bad anxiety and feel guilty that i left him like that

[Croix]

Dear Beanie123~

I'd like to welcome you to hte Forum and hope you find other peoples perspectives of use.

It is only natural if you start to have feelings for someone to want to assist them if they are in trouble -of any sort. Mind you it sort of assumes one is equipped to help and can do so.

Your own account of the relationship is that is was at a distance, which realy only shows you part of a person, and even then were starting to have toxic sessions.

Your friend says they are prone to depression, have panic attacks, is reluctant to pursue relationships and thinks more about the end and how it will affect him than the pleasure of being wiht another. In addition having something you describe as a 'manic episode' that so affected you that you departed, ended the relationship and blocked him. He also, by suggesting you could do better, most probably does not think well of himself.

All of this paints a picture of someone who has a lot of problems that would require professional help over time to reduce. While under some circumstances having a person that cares and supports the  person while they get treatment is a good thing in this case it looks like the idea of a relationship may make matters worse.

Given all that has happened I do not think you are acting unreasonably or selfishly by breaking off and certainly have nothing to feel guilty about, in fact I'm not sure what else you could have done.

The best thing for this person is to want and seek treatment, though in your position I'm not sure how you could encourage this. If you still want to help him do you have any ideas how you could do this?

Croix

[therising]

Hi Beanie123

I think blocking him determines your boundary. Kinda like 'I can't/won't tolerate having to repeatedly come back from a place of rejection (on the other side of that boundary)'. It's a healthy boundary that ensures mental health and self esteem are managed. When it comes to the guilt factor, deeply caring and conscious people are typically the types of people who tend to feel a sense of guilt. So, the guilt you feel says a lot about you. If it's of any help, I came to redefine guilt some time ago by putting a different spin on it. I kind of see guilt as a signpost ahead of a fork in the road or a fork on life's path. That signpost can be a point of torment. Guilt/the signpost demands 'Choose who do you want to be from this moment onward'. For example, 'Do I want to be someone who chooses the path where I'm always pleasing others (so as to be liked or not cause upset) or the path where I need to acknowledge occasions where pleasing myself is a must for the sake of my wellbeing?'. Another example could involve 'Do I want to be someone who doesn't apologise for the pain I've caused someone or do I want to choose the path that leads to responsibility and an apology?'. Guilt is telling me I have a tough and tormenting choice to make between 2 paths. I have actually come to rely on a sense of guilt because it always leads me to become more conscious. It's a part of my compass for direction.

I think 2 people raising each other can resemble a see-saw, with one person saying 'I raise you to this challenge as I sit with you in it' and the other person saying 'I raise you to that challenge as I sit with you in it'. At some points there are no challenges, just perfect balance in life to enjoy. So, with your friend's challenge with relationships and anxiety, you came to him to raise him and sit with him through that but he chose to get off the see-saw. This see-saw analogy, while a simple one, does come with some complexity. Being raised to or through a challenge can come with so many emotions, some incredibly tough to face and feel. I think the most important things to keep in mind can involve 1)getting a sense of our self always being down, while keeping our partner constantly up or raised, and 2)whether it's healthy for us to constantly come down with a thud when our partner decides on occasion 'I don't want to be on this see-saw (in this relationship) because it's too hard or it doesn't suit me'. I suppose you could even say, sticking with the see-saw analogy, 'Two let downs that lead me to come down with a thud is upsetting. Three let downs that lead me to come down and keep me down is borderline depressing'. And there is the borderline or boundary, with the question 'Do I want to enter into depressing territory with this person, on the other side of my boundary?'. Mind you, some people will go into that territory full of challenges so as to pull a person out of it but the person has got to want to come out, otherwise you're stuck in that territory with them while becoming more and more depressed.

[Beanie123]

Hi Croix 

Yes I agree. I am still reeling from the interaction but I think I know I have made the right/safe choice to move away from someone who is not willing to help themselves. I have been in a relationship before where I basically took care of them and it was very troubling. In the end I had to leave anyway since that person did not want to engage in getting better. 

Funny how sometimes you feel guilty for wanting to take care of yourself.

[Beanie123]

Hi thank you for your response 

I totally agree. Its been a week now and I can already see so many signs where already there I just had either chalked them up to immaturity or this person having other life problems going on. Its very clear we triggered each other and the analogy of the see-saw is so true. He seems content hiding away than actually confronting the side of him which I triggered which is fear of intimacy and love. Its very sad and I still feel sad but I am trying to manage this by reassuring myself that my boundary is taking care of me. 

[Croix]

Dear Beanie123~

I believe any long term relationship has to have a balance, where each actually sees the other person and wishes to cherish and smooth their path though life. However it does have to be a two way thing. That does not mean both do exaclt the same things, but each has to feel safe and loved. They also feel they can rely upon the other and be supported by them when needed..

I'm afraid this is not that sort of relationship, and by the sound of it neither was your previos one. Being a caring and capable person is one thing, but nobody can keep on going with nothing in return.

Guilt and worry I'm afraid have a mind of their own, and logical arguments don't always work. I'm sure they will get less as you see how much better your life is becoming wihtout him

Croix

[Beanie123]

I totally agree. Currently I am still struggling with the end and it has hurt to see them happy and continuing life through friends. Even though I know they are most likely avoiding the pain since I know we had an important bond. Hopefully this eases with time x

[Croix]

Dear Beanie123~

If you don't mind me suggesting it now is really a good time to concentrate on your social life, so even if you don't feel like going out or meeting someone you do it anyway, you end up with a richer life and have less time for thoughts of the past.

When my first partner passed away I quite quickly started to socialize - to the surprise of friends and family, and between that and work managed to keep a bit distracted. It worked out OK as I ended up meeting my second wife, and we have had a long happy time together.

Croix