My response to others anger

[LostAquarius]

Way too much of a back story to include here but…I’m wondering if my reaction to other people’s anger is “normal”/“healthy”…. I have 2 different reactions to the 2 most important people in my life right now so it’s confusing. 
In my previous relationship (which ended over 3 years ago [were married 8 years]) my husband was a very “grumpy” person generally. He had many prominent narcissistic traits and he would tell at me and be angry at me when even when I was crying. He hated me crying. I would get very scared when he got angry and I would shake and be very nervous.

Anyway, fast forward a few years and I have been in a new relationship for a year. I promised myself I would never let anyone’s unjust anger get to me again. 
So my new partner also has a tendency to get angry about little things. Very easily frustrated and will swear and carry on about things that go wrong. Anyway, with this relationship I stand my ground, if he says something unkind or unnecessary to me I say “I will not be spoken to like that”, I do not cry and I display an upbeat cheery disposition to show that no one can get me down. If I do feel the need to cry I do it in private. Refuse to let others see me cry. so that’s one reaction. 

My other reaction occurs when my daughter is verbally attacking me. She’s 13. I get “told off” for a lot of this I do wrong. If I don’t pack her lunch. If I do pack her lunch. If I forget to put her laptop on charge etc etc. I’ve been called stupid and a crap mum and all the horrible things and she yells at me when I try to help her do anything. Pushed me over the other day, I can’t even remember what I did wrong apparently, I think she was just in a rage…. Anyway. With her I try to keep my upbeat attitude. I don’t let her see me cry but when she goes off I hide and I just burst into tears. Her words hurt me so much more than anyone else’s. I also feel quite scared of her because she can get very violent towards me. Spits at me. Shoves me. I’m scared of making her angry so I am often “on edge” around her. 

I try SO hard everyday to be happy and bright and helpful and loving and do everything for everyone. I make sure they both have what they need and at any moment when I am summoned I am there ready for my orders, with a smile on my face. I genuinely love attending to my family but I do feel like I get taken advantage of sometimes. My kindness is my weakness. 

Would be interested to hear some other peoples opinions. 
Hope everyone is ok. 

[Chewa]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. For all it's worth, I understand how it feels to always be nice to people and put on a bright smile even when they have hurt you. However, I don't believe your daughter should be treating you like this. I commend you for your first reaction. It takes a strong person to stand their ground and hold their tears until they are alone. But I also think it is unacceptable that you are being treated like this by your own daughter. I understand it might feel hard to discipline her as she is your child, but you don't deserve to feel scared of her or of anyone. I think it might be good to try to talk to her about the way she behaves and get her to understand how you feel. Although I don't have a child, I do have a mum and I know that if I ever said something to her to make her feel the way that you do, I would deeply regret it and do anything to make her feel better. Also, if your daughter acts like this towards you, she could potentially be acting this way and causing harm to others around her. I would also like to add that although your daughter calls you a crap mum, and although I do not know you, the way you put on a brave face for others and do not let them see you cry is something only a good mother would do. Either to not let them see that they got to you, to spare them from feeling pity for you, or to prevent them from the 'burden' of seeing you cry, it is very strong of you.

In conclusion, I think the two reactions you have to other peoples anger is normal, and I know because I react the same way. However, I am not sure if the second of your two reactions is 'healthy'. I believe it would be better for you to talk to your daughter and husband of your true feelings, or to see a family counsellor. I know both of these suggestions are hard (and one of them maybe a little expensive) but I think they are worth a shot. You should not be 'summoned' or 'wait for orders'. It is only right that a family should help each other out when needed instead of treating them like someone they can just order them around. No one, least of all your family should take advantage of you or take their anger out on you when you are simply trying your hardest to make them happy.

I hope this helps! (if it doesn't pls just ignore it)

[therising]

Hi LostAquarius

I feel for you so much, as how you're currently living sounds heartbreaking in some ways. Heartbreak is such a challenging feeling to be living with. As a 53yo gal, it's only in the last handful of years that I've come to see how heartbreaking the people pleaser in me can actually be at times. While this facet of me has a positive nature, leading me to serve others with joy and enthusiasm, I've found it definitely has a dark side as well. It tends to push me to serve everyone but me.

Not sure whether you've ever found throughout your life the rare moments where everything gets too much and some ranting maniac in you suddenly comes to life proclaiming, in one way or another, 'I've had enough. I can't tolerate this anymore' etc etc. In a huge pressure cooker vent, it kind of explodes (sometimes in tears) while leading you to tell people around you all the unfair and intolerable ways in which you're treated. I can count on one hand the number of times this has happened. It's incredibly rare. While feeling better about the vent, it wouldn't be long before the people pleaser in me and my harsh and brutal depressing inner critic would start up with some kind of soul destroying internal dialogue, 'You're such a horrible person. You should be ashamed of yourself. What you said to others was far from pleasant'. I would typically then head into a depression.

Eventually, what I came to discover is that ranting maniac facet of myself is nothing to be ashamed of. It's a facet of myself that leads me to be upstanding, standing up for myself and others at times. It tends to come to life when there is something that should not be tolerated. In the past, the problem had always been that I'd suppress and suppress it until it would explode. Nowadays I work with it on and ongoing basis, venting/expressing myself carefully in constructive ways. I would say it's an opposing facet to the people pleaser in me and it will not allow me to please people whose behaviour I should not be tolerating. It also helps build my self esteem to healthier levels. You could say while an intolerant facet of us can be completely out of control, once tamed it can come to be a good friend and guide. For example, if a family member was to treat me in some degrading depressing way, in the past this would have led me to feel down while the people pleaser in me would have insisted, 'You should have tried harder to please them. No wonder they're upset with you'. Now, if a family member treats me in some degrading depressing way, my intolerant facet may dictate 'This behaviour should not be tolerated. You deserve better than this. It's time you set a clear boundary with this person while warning them of the consequences of overstepping'. Or it could dictate 'Refuse to accept blame for something that was their responsibility to begin with'. Exercising this facet definitely doesn't win you any friends and it can earn you some interesting labels, like 'difficult', 'mean', 'selfish', 'a b***h' etc but they're labels that can be worn with pride as they can be the result of greater self love and self worth.

I think most of us (including your ex, your current partner and your daughter) have that intolerant facet which must be consciously managed, tamed and channeled constructively. There are also benefits when it comes to learning how to channel it to life to begin with. It can be incredibly liberating facet of our self.

[randomxx]

Hi there op and very sorry about where your at.

lm not sure of right advice or suggestions on the most so l'll let others handle that.

But l would like to tell that my daughter got that way with her mum at 12-13 too yet her mum would've done anything for her and did many many times.

l said to her mum though yeah l can keep telling her of but you know what , if this is gonna stop then it really has to come from you . Not only but we were  separated so l wasn't around all the time anyway but even if l was the minute l wasn't d would just be at it again. l said really , it's a respect and discipline thing that's far better if you establish it between you and d yourself and she agreed.

About a wk later d had been at it again all wk so her mum eventually blew a fuse and blasted her back good and proper.D sulked a few days but later things changed from that day on and got back to a little bit of respect and gratitude.

Sometimes a bit of good old fashion respect goes a long long way.

Good luck anyway.

rx

[LostAquarius]

Thank you so much for your kind words it was nice to read, made me smile. 
in hindsight it probably has a lot to do with no addressing her behaviour at a younger age. I could make a heap of excuses but at the end of the day it’s probably my own fault she treats me this way now. I am the same with my mum I love her more than anything and even as teen I was never ever nasty to her. 
I don’t know if it’s just my age now but I feel like teenagers are soooo different these days. 
I think being such a quiet and shy person I always found disciplining her quite difficult. 
we were seeing a counsellor for a little while but kind of for different reasons and your right yeh it did get pretty expensive. Was thinking of maybe looking into Headspace for her but not sure I guess it’s worth a try hey. 
anyways, thanks again for taking the time to reply 🙂

[LostAquarius]

Thank you for your very eloquent reply 🙂 

Yes I know what you mean about those times when it is literally a release of everything being so bottled up it just has to come out. The weird thing with me though it’s not like an explosion but like a deflated balloon or something lol I literally just get very blunt, can’t smile, barely talk, and move about very slowly. Like just totally defeated. Then I realise that’s not helping anything and back I go into people pleaser mode lol 

I love your description of how you’ve learned to work with it and that’s really inspired me so thank you 🙂 

[LostAquarius]

Thanks for your reply 🙂 

Yeh my partner is of that same opinion too which I definitely agree with, that it has to come from me to build that respect and not anyone else telling her to respect me. I think that will take a lot of courage on my part. Sounds like it would probably be very beneficial though. Thanks again 🙂 

[randomxx]

lt is really hard op and if your anything like us and love her so much neither of us ever wanted anything to come to things like that.

Tbh to this day l still feel terrible about the few times l did get pissed of enough myself to yell at her.

Kinda what happened with her mum to , she'd never have gone of otherwise even though d was really dishing it out. Bad timing though her mum had just had a real terrible day at work that night and she just lost it. But tbh it was kind of a blessing in disguise.

So not saying it's the only way and we've always preferred as a gentler path as possible ourselves to.