Break up

[Jimmy-2023]

Hi I have just broke up with my partner of three years, how do you work out how much of their criticism of my personality is accurate. I am feeling shell shocked by the things she thinks about me.  I want to recognise the truth without punishing myself 

[therising]

Hi Jimmy-2023

I think one of the challenges in waking up to what we're like can involve making better sense of different people's perspectives. Are we dealing with the truth or simply their version of the truth, based on how they think. For example, if you asked my husband whether I'm a loving person, he'd say I'm not an intensely loving person, based on the fact his version of love involves lots of hugs and kisses. On the other hand, ask my 18yo son and 20yo daughter and they'd say I'm one of the most loving people they know, based on me often raising them to smiles and laughter and raising them to gain a higher sense of consciousness and confidence by supporting them through challenges that may be somewhat depressing or anxiety inducing for them. I actively raise people through a variety of loving ways. I'm an extremely loving person but not as far as my husband's concerned. What he says is not the truth, it's simply the truth in his mind. Should add, I typically only hug people when I feel compelled to hug them. I'm a quality hugger, not a quantity hugger 🙂

I can't help but wonder whether she simply accused you of being the person she thinks you are or whether she's given you good reasons, through thoughtful explanations that maybe you can relate to in some cases. 

I've found 'waking up' can be far from easy at times. Whether I gradually wake up to a certain trait or quality I have or someone wakes me up, with a bit of a psychological slap, it tends to trigger a lot of questioning. Perfectly normal for there to be a lot of questioning. If we're on a quest for greater self understanding, questions are a part of that quest. Stuff such as 'Who or what led me to to think/behave in the ways I do? (aka 'Who were my leaders?') ' and 'Who do I actually wish to be, if not that version of myself?' are just a couple of the many questions on such a monumental quest.

Plenty of people are more than happy to 'stay asleep', whereas others are prepared to open their mind and begin questioning. You definitely sound like an open minded person who's prepared to question. Try not to punish yourself too much for what you weren't conscious of at some point. I've found a major challenge in waking up can involve suddenly becoming more conscious while, at the same time, being able to feel another's pain for the first time (a pain we may have led them to feel).

[Earth Girl]

Hi Jimmy-2023,

It's normal to make a lot of mistakes when you're in a relationship with someone. I imagine in a relationship, since you really like and care for each other and spend a lot of time together (or a a lot of time calling each other if it's a long distance relationship), you're going to do things to each other sometimes that you both find hurtful or annoying (kind of like when you're friends with someone, but in this type of relationship, it probably happens more often because you know there is a chance that you might spend the rest of your life living with this person if you two end up getting married).

Even if the things she said about you are true, you shouldn't beat yourself up about it and instead just try to use it as a way to grow and get better (we all have things we need to work on). Even in friendships I've had with people, I've made a lot of really embarrassing mistakes like showing up late, canceling plans last minute and so yeah, I made pretty embarrassing mistakes. They make me feel bad, but I try not to beat myself up about these things (I can't go back in time) and just try really hard not to do these things again, especially in new friendships.

I know it would be hard to hear her say things such as "You do this" or "You don't do that" (I would find those things hurtful too). Since I wasn't there, I don't know if all the things she said are true or not, but just try to think about it honestly with yourself (while remaining kind to yourself) and think if you really did act in the way she said you did. If you discover that you did in fact act that way, at least it will make it easier to know what to do/what not to do in the future.

When I hurt someone, I like to talk to my psychologist about it and she helps me see exactly where I went wrong and I find it really helpful. If you choose to talk to someone like a psychologist about this, don't be ashamed, just tell her everything that happened and everything your ex said. Hopefully they will be able to help you understand things better without making you feel bad (in this job, they are not suppose to judge you) and be honest with you while doing so.

I know that if I got a boyfriend that I would make TONS of mistakes. Relationships are nice I'm sure, but they are also hard. Give it a bit of time before you get together with someone else so you can work on things and become a better version of yourself for them. At least in this relationship that ended, it will help you grow. That's one of the good things about having friends and being in relationships is that they help us grow as people. 🙂

[2008]

I am actually in the same position. How are you supporting yourself?

[2008]

Such a great answer. Perhaps I was with the wrong man. He didn't want to see a Family Therapist either. We lived together & I had 2 children & he had 1. One of my children had Autism & was very difficult to live with so now we are over.

[Jimmy-2023]

I had a session with a therapist yesterday which really helped. She gave me feedback regarding the things I was labelled as, I recognise my way of interacting with people/my ex partner can seem forceful which was uncomfortable for her. I need to stop and think before I speak in certain circumstances.  I think our different cultural backgrounds ( me being Scottish and her being Filipina) is a factor. I am not trying to dismiss my part in her negative feelings, I did try, we do love each other but maybe it just wasn't enough 

[2008]

I see a Psychologist, every fortnight. It helps me but I have two children to a ex husband. My eldest having Autism & that made things very hard for my recent ex of 3 years. Like yourself I've been called some horrible things & labelled some awful titles. 

We actually lived together & in the end I had to move out. I fell into grief depression because of it. That's why I joined here, to talk to people & share. 

Will you see your therapist again? Would she go with you? My ex didn't want to do Family Therapy.