Boyfriend vs Fantasy

[Reddog14]

I've been with my boyfriend, T, for 12 years, however I recently met a man, D, at the annual Cup where I was waitressing (D was also working with the same company I was contracted with & was a waiter.)

I spoke with D & enjoyed spending time with him, but it wasn't until after I finished work (& the weeks that followed) that D has had a significant impact. 

I envision spending the rest of my life with D & not just pursuing a sexual relationship with him. 

I've been drawn to various men before (both sexually & emotionally) but feel this is different. As much as I enjoy fantasising about D, I fear this will impact my relationship with T, am totally at a loss as to what I should do & how to work through these emotions. 

I still enjoy being with T. 

I've been reading various articles on the internet to try & process how I'm feeling.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Reddog14

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums we are so glad that you have made you way here and had the bravery to post. We want you to know that this is a safe space to discuss your thoughts, feelings and experiences and receive honest responses and suggestions from fellow forum users.
 
We are also here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our Webchat.  Our team who answer the phones are ready to have a supportive and non-judgmental chat whenever you need it.
 
We’re sure to hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. They’re a really amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you.  Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.

Regards 

Sophie M

[geoff]

Hello Reddog, it is exciting meeting someone new that you get on well with, however, if this happens, then your relationship with T couldn't continue, not that that's the intention, but he will be disappointed and want to end your 12 year friendship.

This feeling for D may be for how he responds to different situations etc, but you won't know what he is truly like until you live with him, if that's going to happen.

You need to remember that we all have a crush on somebody at some time, but we don't know whether or not we would be amicable together.

Reading articles on the net aren't going to actually make you feel as if these suggestions are going to suit you, the only way you will know is by going out with him, but this will jeopardise your relationship with T, and once it's done, you may not recover with him, so it's a chance you have to decide on.

What would happen if you weren't working with D, this may help you make a decision.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[tranzcrybe]

Now I don't think anyone can give you advice on who is more suited to your needs, but I can draw your attention to the language you have used to help you be the judge...
Boyfriend... for 12 years? Has this relationship not advanced beyond amicable acquaintance?
"I still enjoy being with T" - no mention of love or devotion? What about long term, family, intimacy, building a life and future together...?
While D may be the 'one and only' (and this can happen certainly), on what shared experiences do you base it on and do they hold muster for the hard times that test relationships. Could it be that D is the personification of your present discontentment as you seem to have experienced a side to yourself that you truly missed during that brief interlude?
You could simply walk away from T and pursue your desires, or you might want to address what is missing in the relationship and see if it can be salvaged/reinvigorated with a bit of a wake up call - couples counselling could be a good place to start, or plan some adventure to reignite emotions and rediscover yourself and partner.
After 12 years, complacency is bound to set in so it may be time to respectfully reevaluate your objectives together, with compassion for each other and the years invested.

[quirkywords]

Reddog14

Thanks for your post. 
geoff and tranzcrybe and Sophie  have given you things to think about.

This man D  how well do you know him.?

It is up to you you work out what you  want but if you decide to develop your contact with d more, your boyfriend may find out. Also what if things don’t work out with d.? 
I am sure you have thought about these questions .

we are here to listen to you, you are not alone.