Think i blew it...

[waveydavey]

Hi all, this is my first time here, with a recent experience I wanted to share .

I've been single for quite a while, and though I've dated some I haven't met anyone that's really taken my attention and I've wanted to be with. 

There is a girl I've seen at times walking around town, and she has always caught my attention, she isn't like anyone else around here and i find her intriguing. For a long time I've wanted an opportunity to talk to her and ask her out, 

Well, that opportunity came around last week. I was shopping in a local department store and I saw her walk by. I thought I need to take this time and speak to her while I had the chance. 

I walked up and said hi...and asked if she would like to have a coffee with me sometime. She stopped for a moment to gather herself, then said "Sure, why not?". My heart was racing and asked if I could have her number, or could I give her mine. She offered me her phone and asked me to add my number in her contacts. I didn't want to push for hers, so I left it. 

We started to talk some and I was feeling overwhelmed. I could feel my anxiety rising and I found it difficult to understand what we were talking about. I don't remember much about what I was saying, or what she was telling me. I didn't know if I should leave, but didn't want to seem rude or lacking confidence. So I hung around and just felt increasingly stupid. 

I was saying something and she just stopped and said she was feeling hot and needed to go outside. She said a quick farewell and fled.

Unsurprisingly I haven't heard from her, and I don't think I will. 

I hope I may see her again sometime, and apologise for making her uncomfortable. But I'm afraid my anxiety will return and I'll blow it for good. 

Should I try again? Or should I just move on and forget her?

What can I do to avoid making the same mistakes?

[Sophie_M]

Dear waveydavey

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums we are so glad that you have made you way here and had the bravery to post. We want you to know that this is a safe space to discuss your thoughts, feelings and experiences and receive honest responses and suggestions from fellow forum users.
 
We are also here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our Webchat.  Our team who answer the phones are ready to have a supportive and non-judgmental chat whenever you need it.
 
We’re sure to hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. They’re a really amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you.  Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.

Regards 

Sophie M

[ecomama]

Hi waveydavey and a warm welcome to the forums,

You just never know what someone else is experiencing. It may not have been you at all that made her feel uncomfortable. Maybe she has social anxiety or has her own history of being triggered... no one knows. 

You began your post by talking about your relationship status, so it seems your focus was on dating this girl in a romantic sense, is this correct?

You could alleviate some of your anxiety with another attempt if you decide to OR with any future opportunities that come with others, by pulling right back on the expectations of stuff like "this could be 'the one'" and a singular focus like this. 

Thinking in lighter ways could help eg "this person could be fun to get to know" and "we could end up becoming great friends, who knows?" kind of thing. 

Take the pressure off. 

When your focus changes to connecting on similar interests or similar values then a friendship could blossom. 

I wouldn't hide from her the next time you see her, but I wouldn't run across the road to talk to her either. 
Just a pleasant wave and a smile could suffice. Then get about your business. 

Beginnings of any relationships IRL can be awkward lol. If you kept it closer to like meeting someone at a new workplace, then it could help you feel more comfortable. 

Hope you can feel better soon
EM

[waveydavey]

Thanks Sophie, your support certainly means a lot to me. Reading these messages this afternoon made me cry...thank you 

[waveydavey]

Hi EM, thank you too for your support and advice...it really means much.

Yes, I was hoping to date her, and you have also hit the nail on the head. I have put the "she's the one" tag on her. It's not the first time...

Whenever I meet someone new, i can be confident and charming, and usually my date will be happy to see me again. But when I meet a woman who has that Wow factor, who blows my socks off...I struggle to be that same confident person. I become anxious and needy, struggling to keep a clear head, and will eventually scare her away. This is a pattern I've carried since I was a teen. I'm now in my 50s and still repeat the same, it feels like I'm doomed...I feel lost. 

You are right, I do need to focus on developing a friendship, not a relationship, and the rest may follow. Just need my head to follow that advice...😊

[ecomama]

It's totally my pleasure to offer some support. 

You know yourself very well by the sounds of things? 
I think it is possible to scare people off by our own insecurities. Possibly how by how differently we behave in front of them? IDK. 

What do you think? 

I think it was awesome of you to approach a lady and ask her for coffee. 

Is it anxiety when you meet a person you perceive a particular way? 

Wow, I just clicked on a Brene Brown clip on YT and the intro statement of hers was "Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don't belong...." and it goes on. Brene Brown has done SO MUCH research and now teaches us how to live a more whole hearted life. 

Accepting the wonderful things about you would be a great place to start.

Women have been surveyed about what attracts them to a potential partner. It's not the same as men. 

We can chat more if you like? 
There are awesome threads here to read up on also, if you like. 

EM

[waveydavey]

Hmmm...well I'm not sure if I know myself well, but I do see things. And we have our masks we wear in different situations...I think I can drop my mask when I want someone to see the real me, to be vulnerable and giving, but then I reveal too much to fast. Finding that balance is my challenge. 

It is a perception of someone that gives me anxiety when I meet them. I build up this picture in my mind about them, like I have with this woman, and then I think I won't measure up. I really should have politely excused myself from the situation and given myself time to gather myself. 

I haven't heard of Brene Brown, i will watch some of her videos. Thanks. 

I need to learn to accept myself more,  I know I'm a good person, but I don't feel good about myself 😕

[ecomama]

I think you'll enjoy watching Brene's YT clips. She also has Ted Talks and a Netflix special "The Call to Courage". 

Possibly you'll like her works on "The Gifts of Imperfection". I have a few of her books but not that one. I understand that one's far easier to read than her more novel sized books. 

I don't want to overload you lol!
But I'd really like you to "short circuit" the negative talk. 

It gets us nowhere but further into a black hole! 

Think about it.... it's a HUGE ask to expect someone else to accept us and even love us, if we're not accepting and loving towards ourselves. 
Don't you think? 
It's like we're demanding more from other people than we're willing to do for ourselves. 
Not really fair lol. 

The self-care thread here could help!! 

Another school of thought patterns that is REALLY EXCITING is having "A Growth Mindset". 
There are so many gorgeous things that pop up for us to utilise in our daily moments to quieten the negativity we keep speaking to ourselves. 

Ofcourse you have great traits about you. Seeing these and building on them is the core of having a growth mindset. 

Have fun with it!
EM

[geoff]

Hello waveydavey, isn't this a tragedy when you really like someone and it ends like this.

Talking with someone you really like can make you tongue tired and I'm sure you aren't the first person for this to happen and once it does you feel disappointed and may be ashamed for doing so, but, hey, this isn't your fault, as the same may have happened with her, that's why she needed to leave.

We all have our own way of dealing with these situations and feel perplexed why we couldn't be more observant, but our nerves affect all of us differently.

One way to address this is why asking her again to see a movie, this will give you time to sit next to her and accidently touch her, apologise and wait for her reaction, remember most of us are anxious when talking to someone we really like for the first/second time.

You will know her reaction when you see each other and whether she has eyes for you or avoids contact, but persevere, if you don't, then many questions will keep going through your mind.

Geoff.

Life Member.